When the late night comedy shows took to the air on Monday to lament Donald Trump’s return to the presidency, three main themes emerged. The first was that Trump is going to be a national nightmare. The second was that they have gone all in on embracing former President Joe Biden’s “oligarchy” warnings. Finally, it was deemed ironic that Inauguration Day happened to fall on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. To recap their collective wailing and gnashing of teeth, here is an NQ-style recap of CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, NBC’s Late Night with Seth Meyers and The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, and Comedy Central’s The Daily Show.
On Donald Trump
“Well, for some reason, and it might be a perfectly understandable reason, the American people decided to unknow what they definitely knew about Donald Trump. Well, today, the great remembering began.”
“It was a frigid day down in Washington, so at the last minute, Trump moved his inauguration indoors. Totally understandable, so, Mr. President, it is with the utmost respect that I say, ‘awww, was the big stwong gweatest pwesident ever feewing a widdo chiwwy? You want hot cocoa wif mawshy-mewwows?’ You weather cuck.”
“Okay, you can't act like you're doing it just because of Reagan. ‘Honey, it's not that I couldn't perform in bed last night. It's just that out of respect for President Carter, I'm flying at half-staff.’”
“The thing is, the Rotunda can only hold approximately 700 people, which means Trump's inauguration crowd can now be called the smallest of all time.”
"Biden put up a friendly front, but I'm sure behind the scenes he's distraught that he was just replaced by an autocrat. Why do I think that? Because moments before he left office, he issued preemptive pardons to Mark Milley, members of the January 6th committee, Dr. Anthony Fauci, as well as five members of his own family."
COLBERT: After the speech, it was time for the benediction.
LORENZO SEWELL: Heavenly Father, we’re so grateful that you gave our 45th and now our 47th president a millimeter miracle.
COLBERT: That's also what Stormy Daniels called it. We're back, baby! We're back!
—Stephen Colbert
“This morning, I woke up, our son got into our bed, like, early in the morning, and peed in the bed, and so we got out of bed, and the dog had pooped in the hallway right out front and peed on the wall, and that was just an appetizer for the rest of the day really. President McRib is back. For a limited time, only four years today at noon eastern, our long national nightmare was officially sworn in. Another time. A second time. Donald Trump became the first convicted felon to be sworn in as president of the United States.”
"It was below freezing in Washington today. It's the only reason that Bible didn't burst into flames when they swore Trump in."
—Jimmy Kimmel
“And then Trump got into the substance of his speech, an unsettling, low-energy mix of ominous fascism and weird [bleep] that no one except Donald Trump and his minions even care about.”
—Seth Meyers
“Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the United States, a man whose licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the Capitol Rotunda.”
"Yes, it turns out, Trump didn't actually put his hand on the Bible because, obviously, because one or the other would burst into flames. Perhaps both."
—Jon Stewart
“Yeah, America is rolling the dice with a second Trump presidency. It's like we somehow survived the first Squid Game and then signed back up for a second. It's like, "You won, kind of." Yeah, today was Trump's inauguration, but the ceremony was moved inside because of freezing temperatures. Democrats were like, "It doesn't bother us. We've been numb since November."
—Jimmy Fallon
“I would point out that George Washington spent a whole winter at Valley Forge. And they moved today's inaugural inside. Something to think about.”
—Pod Save America’s Jon Lovett on The Late Show
JON FAVREAU: He signed an executive action on free speech. We’re all allowed to—free speech is here again, which is great.
COLBERT: We can say what we want?
JON FAVREAU: He may sue us, but we can say what we want.
COLBERT: Wow. Go [bleep] yourself.
LOVETT: It's like, it was liberation day.
COLBERT: I feel freer already.
On The Inauguration Being On Martin Luther King Jr. Day
“Ironically, today also happens to be Martin Luther King Jr. Day of all days, and Donald Trump and Martin Luther King, they do have something in common: one had a dream, and the other had Eric. But Trump promised his administration would work to make Dr. King's dream come true. He said that in his speech, and he's right. These people will make sure we are judged based on the content of character, not on the color of their lily white skin. It was wall-to-wall white people at this inauguration. It really was something.
—Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and like Martin Luther King, I also had a dream. I mean, it had to be a dream, right? It’s too weird to be real.”
—Seth Meyers
DON CHEADLE [Actor]: Very close. You know, I'm in my inauguration phase of grief right now.
KIMMEL: Are you?
CHEADLE: Yes. I don't know what all the rest of them are. But the juxtaposition of MLK Day and the inauguration is just something that I don't think even Thanos would have thought of.
KIMMEL: It does seem like there is some cosmic plan to just screw with us, doesn't it?
On Trump’s Billionaire Supporters
“Did he say America's dick line is over? America's dick line is over. In fact, it's right over there. There it is. Later on, the dick line turns into a circle jerk, and that's when the fun starts to happen. A lot of people were wondering why all these rich guys were invited to sit in The Capitol for the inauguration. There's a perfectly good explanation for it. Trump is selling the country to the highest bidder. It really has been amazing to watch these powerful men, who don't need to ever make another dollar in their lives, debasing themselves to suck up to this ridiculous person. But that's why they're billionaires, I guess.
—Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump supporters are outside freezing, while Trump himself is inside cozying up to wealthy tech oligarchs. I'm just going to sit here for a second while you think about the metaphor.”
—Seth Meyers
“Yes, taking the place of seats normally reserved for Democratic or Republican governors, sat Zuck, Bezos, Tim Cook, Elon, Tic-Tac guy, the Google guy… Populism, ladies and gentlemen! Shouldn't this gathering be happening in a volcano's lair near Zurich? Or are we just open source Illuminati now? Where's the conspiracy fun in that? Honestly, there is not a useful app of communication not controlled by at least one of these individuals. And you may not be concerned that they've all ponied up a million dollars to be sitting there and are kissing the ass of a president who openly threatens non-ass-kissers, but trust me, shit's going to get weird.”
—Jon Stewart
“Elon Musk bought his seat on stage today. He spent $250 million to sit on the dais and now he runs the DOGE or whatever. The rest of the billionaires were there to show that they've bent the knee, I think, they’re more heads on a pike.”
—Pod Save America’s Tommy Vietor on The Late Show
“This is really different, and in fact, I was reflecting on how different this is, even from Russian oligarchy, because…You know, at least Putin had a very clear red line with his oligarchs. The grand bargain of the early 2000s was he was going to let them get rich on condition that they kept their noses out of his political business.
“This is not good news because I like democracy… the broligarchs really have an explicit political agenda, and it is essentially anti-democratic and almost monarchical.”
—Author and Professor Brooke Harrington on The Daily Show
STEWART: Oh, so you are not expecting any of our oligarchs to be like "Hey, watch what you're doing?" Like, none of that?
HARRINGTON: No. What Trump has done is so extraordinary. He does not have the line with the new oligarchs of America at all. He said, “Okay, you bought it, do what you want.”
STEWART: But isn't that what these oligarchs now, isn't that what their first wives were for? Isn't that, like, what it seems like now, they divorced their first wife and their first wife is like, “Give this all to Planned Parenthood.” Like, is that the oblige that's coming out?
…
HARRINGTON: But it almost seems, as, like, a middle finger to the ex-husbands. Like—
STEWART: Right.
HARRINGTON: — I’ll show you the proper use of wealth, you SOB.
Here are transcripts for the January 20-taped shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
1/20/2025
11:39 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Well, for some reason, and it might be a perfectly understandable reason, the American people decided to unknow what they definitely knew about Donald Trump. Well, today, the great remembering began. It was a frigid day down in Washington, so at the last minute, Trump moved his inauguration indoors. Totally understandable, so, Mr. President, it is with the utmost respect that I say, “awww, was the big stwong gweatest pwesident ever feewing a widdo chiwwy? You want hot cocoa wif mawshy-mewwows?” You weather cuck.Trump announced the change of venue on Truth Social, posting [Trump impression] "I have ordered the inauguration address, in addition to prayers and other speeches, to be delivered in the United States capitol rotunda, as was used by Ronald Reagan in 1985, also because of very cold weather."
[normal voice] Okay, you can't act like you're doing it just because of Reagan. "Honey, it's not that I couldn't perform in bed last night. It's just that out of respect for President Carter, I'm flying at half-staff.”
Instead, thank you, Joe. Thank you. Thank you. The smart choice. Instead, they held the ceremony in the Capitol Rotunda, or as it looked from the dome camera, the freedom pit. The thing is, the Rotunda can only hold approximately 700 people, which means Trump's inauguration crowd can now be called the smallest of all time.
…
Then Trump was sworn in by Chief Justice Roberts. One problem: Trump did not place his hand on the Bible for the oath of office. Now, when the ceremony was gonna be outside, he was going to put his hand on the Bible, but when they moved it inside, the fire marshal wouldn't allow it. Here's the thing. There you go. Safety first. Safety first. Here's the thing. If he doesn't touch the Bible, is he really president? I mean, who did touch the Bible? [Gasps] Melania! Is she president now? Could the hat be president? It clearly believes in a strong border. Then Trump got up there and gave his speech. Unlike 8 years ago, it wasn't all pure darkness. Just most of it. Some of it was just plain weird.
…
COLBERT: After the speech, it was time for the benediction.
LORENZO SEWELL: Heavenly Father, we’re so grateful that you gave our 45th and now our 47th president a millimeter miracle.
COLBERT: That's also what Stormy Daniels called it. We're back, baby! We're back!
...
COLBERT: Biden put up a friendly front, but I'm sure behind the scenes he's distraught that he was just replaced by an autocrat. Why do I think that? Because moments before he left office, he issued preemptive pardons to Mark Milley, members of the January 6th committee, Dr. Anthony Fauci, as well as five members of his own family.
…
JON LOVETT: I would point out that George Washington spent a whole winter at Valley Forge. And they moved today's inaugural inside. Something to think about.
…
COLBERT: Did I hear this right, that the ambassador to the United States from Germany wrote, like, a cable back to his own government saying Trump is going to co-rule with the oligarchs, the tech oligarchs.
TOMMY VIETOR: Sounds about right. Elon Musk bought his seat on stage today. He spent $250 million to sit on the dais and now he runs the DOGE or whatever. The rest of the billionaires were there to show that they've bent the knee, I think, they’re more heads on a pike.
LOVETT: But it's going to be okay. Don't you think?
…
JON FAVREAU: He signed an executive action on free speech. We’re all allowed to—free speech is here again, which is great.
COLBERT: We can say what we want?
FAVREAU: He may sue us, but we can say what we want.
COLBERT: Wow. Go [bleep] yourself.
LOVETT: It's like, it was liberation day.
COLBERT: I feel freer already.
***
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
1/20/2025
11:35 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: This morning, I woke up, our son got into our bed, like, early in the morning and peed in the bed, and so we got out of bed, and the dog had pooped in the hallway right out front and peed on the wall, and that was just an appetizer for the rest of the day really. President McRib is back. For a limited time, only four years today at noon eastern, our long national nightmare was officially sworn in. Another time. A second time. Donald Trump became the first convicted felon to be sworn in as president of the United States.
…
KIMMEL: It was below freezing in Washington today. It's the only reason that Bible didn't burst into flames when they swore Trump in
...
KIMMEL: Did he say America's dick line is over? America's dick line is over. In fact, it's right over there. There it is. Later on, the dick line turns into a circle jerk, and that's when the fun starts to happen. A lot of people were wondering why all these rich guys were invited to sit in The Capitol for the inauguration. There's a perfectly good explanation for it. Trump is selling the country to the highest bidder. It really has been amazing to watch these powerful men, who don't need to ever make another dollar in their lives, debasing themselves to suck up to this ridiculous person. But that's why they're billionaires, I guess.
…
KIMMEL: Ironically, today also happens to be Martin Luther King Jr. Day of all days, and Donald Trump and Martin Luther King, they do have something in common: one, had a dream, and the other had Eric. But Trump promised his administration would work to make Dr. King's dream come true. He said that in his speech, and he's right. These people will make sure we are judged based on the content of character, not on the color of their lily white skin. It was wall-to-wall white people at this inauguration. It really was something.
…
KIMMEL: Trump is a very close friend of yours?
DON CHEADLE: Very close. You know, I'm in my inauguration phase of grief right now.
KIMMEL: Are you?
CHEADLE: Yes. I don't know what all the rest of them are. But the juxtaposition of MLK Day and the inauguration is just something that I don't think even Thanos would have thought of.
KIMMEL: It does seem like there is some cosmic plan to just screw with us, doesn't it?
***
NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers
1/21/2025
12:37 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers. This is Late Night. We hope you're doing well tonight. And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get to the news. Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and like Martin Luther King, I also had a dream. I mean, it had to be a dream, right? It’s too weird to be real.
…
MEYERS: That's right. MAGA supporters were left out in the cold, while Trump gave toasty indoor VIP seats to the wealthy tech oligarchs, which brings us to a segment called "Do I really have to explain the metaphor here?" Guys, do I really have to explain the metaphor here? Look, I get it's my job to glean insights about the news through jokes, but sometimes it's just at too [bleep] obvious. I think you guys can handle this one yourselves. Most of the next four years is going to be me showing clips and then going -- Trump supporters are outside freezing, while Trump himself is inside cozying up to wealthy tech oligarchs. I'm just going to sit here for a second while you think about the metaphor.
…
MEYERS: And then Trump got into the substance of his speech, an unsettling, low-energy mix of ominous fascism and weird [bleep] that no one except Donald Trump and his minions even care about.
***
Comedy Central The Daily Show
1/20/2025
11:00 PM ET
JON STEWART: My name is Jon Stewart! I'm your host on this most historic vibe shift of a day. Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the United States, a man whose licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the Capitol Rotunda.
...
STEWART: Yes, it turns out, Trump didn't actually put his hand on the bible because, obviously, because one or the other would burst into flames. Perhaps both.
…
STEWART: Yes, taking the place of seats normally reserved for Democratic or Republican governors, sat Zuck, Bezos, Tim Cook, Elon, Tic-Tac guy, the Google guy. The six guys who control maybe 20 percent of the world's wealth and 100 percent of your nudes. You don't need to pretend with me. I don't know what he's talking about. Delete, delete, delete.
Populism, ladies and gentlemen! Shouldn't this gathering be happening in a volcano's lair near Zurich? Or are we just open source Illuminati now? Where's the conspiracy fun in that? Honestly, there is not a useful app of communication not controlled by at least one of these individuals. And you may not be concerned that they've all ponied up a million dollars to be sitting there and are kissing the ass of a president who openly threatens non-ass-kissers, but trust me, shit's going to get weird.
…
STEWART: Am I -- was that odd? Do we normally see all the titans of industries and things in the front row, the box seats?
BROOKE HARRINGTON: No. This is really different, and in fact, I was reflecting on how different this is, even from Russian oligarchy because–
STEWART: Don't now. Okay, that hurts. That actually hurts
HARRINGTON: Sorry. Sorry. You know, at least Putin had a very clear red line with his oligarchs. The grand bargain of the early 2000s was he was going to let them get rich on condition that they kept their noses out of his political business. At most, they would be his errand boys for some diplomatic missions in Europe, for example, on their superyachts, but that was it, and it ended there, and he made a huge example of Mikhail Khodorkovsky, who was the Yukos Oil chairman who dared to stand up for transparency and human rights in Russia and that earned him almost a decade in Russian prison and seizure of all of its assets by Putin. He was lucky to escape with his life.
STEWART: Oh, so you are not expecting any of our oligarchs to be like "Hey, watch what you're doing?" Like, none of that?
HARRINGTON: No. What Trump has done is so extraordinary. He does not have the line with the new oligarchs of America at all. He said, “Okay, you bought it, do what you want.”
STEWART: But he’s blended them. This DOGE— I mean, he’as brought them into the table, but is there maybe something better about that because the explicit bargain is, now you have to give us money or you have to bring business to America?
HARRINGTON: Well, for me, as an American, this is not good news because I like democracy.
STEWART: Tell me more about this. I want to hear it. I like the sound of it.
HARRINGTON: Yeah.
STEWART: But I'm afraid I'm going to have to be sold.
HARRINGTON: Yeah, well, the thing about the broligarchs and this is even different from oligarchs—
STEWART: Stop. Stop. Okay, if that’s not trademarked. Broligarch. Nice.
HARRINGTON: So we’ve had oligarchs and the past in America. We've had Carnegies and Rockefellers, but aside from making sure they did not get regulated or taxed too much, they kind of stuck to their own business. They just want to get rich. But the broligarchs really have an explicit political agenda, and it is essentially anti-democratic and almost monarchical.
…
STEWART: But isn't that what these oligarchs now, isn't that what their first wives were for? Isn't that, like, what it seems like now, they divorced their first wife and their first wife is like, “Give this all to Planned Parenthood.” Like, is that the oblige that's coming out?
HARRINGTON: I only know about the case of MacKenzie Bezos doing that.
STEWART: Right. I think Melinda Gates also gives—
HARRINGTON: Oh, she too, yes, she is doing her part. But it almost seems, as, like, a middle finger to the ex-husbands. Like—
STEWART: Right.
HARRINGTON: -- I’ll show you the proper use of wealth, you SOB.
***
NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
1/20/2025
11:36 PM ET
JIMMY FALLON: Yeah, America is rolling the dice with a second Trump presidency. It's like we somehow survived the first Squid Game and then signed back up for a second. It's like, "You won, kind of." Yeah, today was Trump's inauguration but the ceremony was moved inside because of freezing temperatures. Democrats were like, "It doesn't bother us. We've been numb since November."
