From literal alarms over abortion to satirical Christmas songs to the typical anti-Republican diatribe, the men of the late night comedy shows used their Monday programs to deliver one last pitch to voters on why they should vote Democrat.
On ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host’s wife, Molly McNearney, interrupted his anti-Herschel Walker ramblings with a literal alarm and siren, “Because tomorrow is Election Day. And abortion rights are gone or in danger in 26 states. Even though the overwhelming majority of this country supports a woman's right to choose.”
Doing her best Elizabeth Banks impersonation, she asked, “Every time you have sex, is your intention to have a baby?”
McNearney then continued:
Six out of ten women—six out of ten women-- who have an abortion already have kids at home. They know how hard the job is. Ninety-two percent of abortions happen in the first 13 weeks. A good portion of the women who need one after the first trimester do it because of health complications that could kill her or her baby. Roughly half the women who have abortions live below the poverty line.
Of course, Democrats still portray 15-week bans that include life of the mother exceptions are radical. Nevertheless, McNearney at least had some self-awareness, “I'm sorry. Are you expecting this to be funny? It's not funny.”
Concluding her spiel, McNearney pleaded with viewers, “I'm not out here with this dumb alarm asking you guys to love abortion. I am asking you to love women enough, to trust women enough to make their own difficult decisions and to vote for the people who will make that happen tomorrow. Our daughters should not have to fight the battles our grandmothers won.”
Over at The Late Show, host Stephen Colbert kicked off his Election Day Eve program with a video of satirical Christmas songs. The assortment of singers then preformed, “Have yourself a gerrymandered district,” “I'm dreaming of a white turnout,” “I saw mommy kissing Herschel Walker, then he gave her 700 bucks”, and “It's beginning to look a lot like fascists.”
Also included were “Oh Q-anon, oh Q-anon, Joe Biden is a lizard” and “Here comes Dr. Oz, here comes Dr. Oz talking about crudité” along with a promotion to get a free copy of “How the Grinch Stole Democracy.”
No word if Someone Got Run Over by John Fetterman or if Mandela Barnes preformed O Little Town of Moscow and the spinoff, O Little Town of Tehran.
Later, on NBC’s Late Night, Seth Meyers decried that Republicans have no plans for the country’s problems:
Yeah, but none of those are bills. We can all name issues you know; we're asking for solutions. When you go to the doctor, he doesn't just point out a bunch of [bleep] that's wrong with you and leave. “We've got to do something about the gallbladder, and that heart's no good plus a bunch of your bones are out of place, and you need a new kidney anyway, good luck with all of that I'm going to go hang out under the sign at the gas station with the other ‘doctors.’”
That’s ironic as Democrats defend themselves by portraying themselves as the victims of a global economy, but Meyers continued, “So, once again Republicans are making promises they obviously have no intention of keeping. How many times do we have to go through this dance with the GOP before we learn that they're lying?”
Somehow, The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon managed to be the least partisan of the bunch despite an interview with former White House press secretary Jen Psaki.
Psaki, who will be part of MSNBC’s Election Night coverage, did her best to promote her network, “Rachel Maddow could make paint seem exciting… And she is -- you know, she -- and Nicolle Wallace, who I was watching when I was in the White House, because she would tell me what was happening in the Department of Justice, even though I worked there.”
She isn’t wrong. MSNBC’s coverage is likely to be exciting, just not for the reasons Psaki might think.
Kimmel was sponsored by Samsung, Colbert by McDonald’s, Meyers by Target, and Fallon by T-Mobile.
Here are transcripts for the November 7 shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
11/7/2022
11:35 PM ET
NARRATOR: It's election season, the most wonderful time of the year and on this election eve, you can enjoy all your favorite midterm election music with "A very merry midterms." You'll hear all the classics like
SINGER: Have yourself a gerrymandered district.
I'm dreaming of a white turnout.
I saw mommy kissing Herschel Walker, then he gave her 700 bucks.
It's beginning to look a lot like fascists.
NARRATOR: And so many more.
SINGERS: Oh Q-anon, oh Q-anon, Joe Biden is a lizard.
SINGER: Here comes Dr. Oz, here comes Dr. Oz talking about crudité.
NARRATOR: Order today and get a free copy of, had How the Grinch Stole Democracy.
…
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
11/7/2022
11:43 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: [Siren] Oh. This is—this is-- my wife, Molly. What are you doing?
MOLLY MCNEARNEY: Oh, I'm sounding the alarm, Jimmy.
KIMMEL: I didn't know we had an alarm.
MCNEARNEY: We do. I didn't either. It was backstage.
KIMMEL: Okay, why are you sounding an alarm you found backstage?
MCNEARNEY: Because tomorrow is Election Day. And abortion rights are gone or in danger in 26 states. Even though the overwhelming majority of this country supports a woman's right to choose. Let me ask you something. Every time you have sex, is your intention to have a baby?
AUDIENCE: No!
KIMMEL: No. I just wait until you eat a gummy and then try to snuggle in.
MCNEARNEY: That question was for them, not for you.
KIMMEL: Oh, sorry. I didn’t—
MCNEARNEY: Thank you very much. Being a mom is the best and the hardest job on the planet. I can't imagine forcing any woman who doesn't want that job to take it against her will. Six out of ten women—six out of ten women-- who have an abortion already have kids at home. They know how hard the job is.
Ninety-two percent of abortions happen in the first 13 weeks. A good portion of the women who need one after the first trimester do it because of health complications that could kill her or her baby. Roughly half the women who have abortions live below the poverty line.
I'm sorry. Are you expecting this to be funny? It's not funny. They don't have the resources to raise another child, they don’t have the money to drive to another state to get health care.
The only person who should be making life-altering and potentially life-saving decisions for a woman and her body is the woman herself. And we need men to help us. I'm not out here with this dumb alarm asking you guys to love abortion. I am asking you to love women enough, to trust women enough to make their own difficult decisions and to vote for the people who will make that happen tomorrow. Our daughters should not have to fight the battles our grandmothers won. Thank you for your time.
KIMMEL: Thank you.
…
NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers
11/8/2022
12:44 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: Yeah, but none of those are bills. We can all name issues you know, we're asking for solutions. When you go to the doctor, he doesn't just point out a bunch of [bleep] that's wrong with you and leave. "We've got to do something about the gallbladder, and that heart's no good plus a bunch of your bones are out of place, and you need a new kidney anyway, good luck with all of that I'm going to go hang out under the sign at the gas station with the other ‘doctors.’”
So, once again Republicans are making promises they obviously have no intention of keeping. How many times do we have to go through this dance with the GOP before we learn that they're lying? Remember when they did the same thing with Obamacare for almost an entire decade, they said Obamacare had to be repealed, that it was their number one priority, and that they had a solution that would be so much better and cost so much less and give everyone great health care.
…
NBC The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
11/8/2022
12:18 AM ET
JIMMY FALLON: Everything I've been seeing and reading is – is-- predicting a red wave for tomorrow is that true?
JEN PSAKI: Doesn't that sound so dark? It's -- it's a little bit—it reminds me of Game of Thrones or something.
FALLON: The red wave, yeah.
PSAKI: The red wave is coming. Here's the thing -- I mean, tomorrow night I'm going to sit down with this amazing group of people who have been doing election coverage -- I mean, Rachel Maddow could make paint seem exciting.
FALLON: Yeah, she's great.
PSAKI: And she is -- you know, she -- and Nicolle Wallace, who I was watching when I was in the White House, because she would tell me what was happening in the Department of Justice, even though I worked there.
So, I get to sit with them, we're not going to know at 6:00 P.M. When we sit down, what's going to happen at 2:00 A.M. Or what's going to happen at 3:00 A.M. and at 4:00 A.M we have to follow the story and see what's happening where people are voting, where people are turning out.
There are going to be surprises in the election. This is what's so exciting to watch. The good news here is that turnout is in record numbers across the country, in a lot of places. In Georgia, it is at record numbers already.
FALLON: That's fantastic
PSAKI: Young people are turning out in record numbers. People always downplay the engagement and involvement of people under 30. I will tell you, those are the kind of people who are the most passionate and engaged on the issues that matter.
