As campaign season enters the home stretch, the hosts of late night have gone into full DNC TV mode. On Thursday, Seth Meyers and Stephen Colbert managed to tell the exact same anti-Herschel Walker joke while Jimmy Kimmel fear-mongered over what might happen to women if Republicans win by introducing the Birth Con Troll.
Colbert was first up on CBS’s The Late Show. After playing a clip of Georgia Republican Senate nominee Herschel Walker on Fox saying he would put his resume up against former President Obama’s, Colbert could hardly believe what he heard.
After a lengthy pause, Colbert put up a chart that showed the resume of the two men:
Bold! Okay, let's put your resume up against his. Barack Obama was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review, a U.S. Senator, president of the United States, won the Nobel Peace prize, has an Emmy, two Grammies, three number-one best-selling books, was voted Time’s person of the year twice, has a multimillion dollar Netflix deal, and killed Osama bin Laden.”
As for Walker, “Herschel Walker's resume says, good at football, holds Georgia's single-season pregnancy record, and brain broke. Not everything-- hard to tell them apart.”
Later on NBC’s Late Night, after playing video of the same Fox segment, Meyers also couldn’t believe what he heard. Echoing Colbert, he explained:
Dude, was president of the Harvard Law Review, a senator, president. He's won a Grammy, an Emmy, he was Time’s person of the year, he went kitesurfing with Richard Branson. And now he's got a Netflix deal where he produces movies and he still manages to maintain the laid back style he's got going on post-presidency he could climb to the top of Everest and somehow, he'd still have shades on and at least two shirt buttons undone.
And despite all that he was a lousy president. It’s also ironic Meyers and Colbert tout Obama’s celebrity credentials when all of this started when Obama criticized Walker for being a celebrity candidate and that Obama's resume was much thinner when he was running for office for the first time.
Elsewhere, Jimmy Kimmel portrayed the midterms as being about abortion, “This is an important election. Every American has the right to make a choice unless you're a woman in Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Wisconsin, Idaho, Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, or Louisiana, but this is why you have to vote.”
He then introduced a skit of what will happen should Republicans win. The skit began with a narrator declaring, “The new state rules on abortion are so confusing. What are you allowed to do with your body in your state? From the makers of Elf on the Shelf, it's The Birth Con Troll, the doll that makes sure your uterus stays in accordance with local laws.”
The narrator further explained that the Birth Con Troll knows when “you're menstruating” because “It tracks your cycle.”
After the woman in the ad says “I don’t want that,” the narrator adds, “It doesn’t matter what you want, the Birth Con Troll has the legal authority to destroy your unsanctioned birth control pills, monitor your diet, cancel your IVF appointments, scan your private messages, investigate the contents of your stool, and sing so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much [bleep] more.”
As the woman tries to leave, the narrator stops her, “Of course you can go. It's a free country, but before you do, the Birth Con Troll just needs to make sure you're not leaving the state to have an abortion. Just leave a sample on the built-in pregnancy test.”
The ad concludes with Republi-Ken declare Barbie to be “my fertility vessel.”
Of course, nobody is going to have to take a pregnancy test “to go to your aunt's funeral in Wisconsin” or have their menstrual cycle tracked by the government, but Kimmel needs to motivate his viewers to vote.
Colbert was sponsored by Lactaid, Meyers by Liberty Mutual, and Kimmel by Target.
Here are transcripts for the November 3 show:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
11/3/2022
11:44 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Bold! Okay, let's put your resume up against his. Barack Obama was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review, a U.S. Senator, president of the United States, won the Nobel Peace prize, has an Emmy, two Grammies, three number-one best-selling books, was voted Time’s person of the year twice, has a multimillion dollar Netflix deal, and killed Osama bin Laden.
Now that-- that's not too shabby. Meanwhile, no, let’s, Herschel Walker's resume says, good at football, holds Georgia's single-season pregnancy record, and brain broke. Not everything-- hard to tell them apart.
…
NBC Late Nate with Seth Meyers
11/4/2022
12:43 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: You do? That's like me saying "Einstein, I'm way smarter than him that dope could never do a day drinking with Post Malone. Look, you don't have Obama's resume, you know how I know? Obama never had to flash a fake sheriff's badge at a debate like he was cosplaying as Deputy Dog.
Dude, was president of the Harvard Law Review," a senator, president. He's won a Grammy, an Emmy, he was Time’s person of the year, he went kitesurfing with Richard Branson. And now he's got a Netflix deal where he produces movies and he still manages to maintain the laid back style he's got going on post-presidency he could climb to the top of Everest and somehow, he'd still have shades on and at least two shirt buttons undone. "I decided to climb Everest because it's here. Also, it's the only place I can smoke without Michelle finding out.”
…
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
11/3/2022
11:44 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: This is an important election. Every American has the right to make a choice unless you're a woman in Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Wisconsin, Idaho, Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, or Louisiana, but this is why you have to vote. You have to register and you have to vote. If Republicans get control of Congress, they'll almost certainly ban a nationwide ban on abortion. It’s already happened in a number of states and by Christmas-time, every woman in America could be forced to own one of these.
NARRATOR: The new state rules on abortion are so confusing. What are you allowed to do with your body in your state? From the makers of Elf on the Shelf, it's The Birth Con Troll, the doll that makes sure your uterus stays in accordance with local laws.
WOMAN: His eyes are glowing?
NARRATOR: That means you're menstruating.
WOMAN: How does it know that?
NARRATOR: It tracks your cycle.
WOMAN: I don’t want that.
NARRATOR: It doesn’t matter what you want, the Birth Con Troll has the legal authority to destroy your unsanctioned birth control pills, monitor your diet, cancel your IVF appointments,
WOMAN: Ignore him.
NARRATOR: Scan your private messages, investigate the contents of your stool, and sing so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much [bleep] more.
WOMAN: I'm out of here.
NARRATOR: Of course you can go. It's a free country, but before you do, the Birth Con Troll just needs to make sure you're not leaving the state to have an abortion. Just leave a sample on the built-in pregnancy test.
WOMAN: I'm not peeing on that.
NARRATOR: Do you want to go to your aunt's funeral in Wisconsin or not?
WOMAN: [bleep]
NARRATOR: The Birth Con Troll. Delivery isn't just free, it's mandatory. From the makers of Unwanted Baby Barbie and Republi-Ken
REPUBLI-KEN: Barbie’s my fertility vessel.
