Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Seth Meyers used their Thursday show to inform the world that they do not know how doors work as they were responding to a suggestion from Sen. Ted Cruz to limit the number of entrances on school premises in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Uvalde.
The relevant quote from Cruz was him telling Fox, “Look, the killer entered here the same way the killer entered in Santa Fe, through a back door. An unlocked back door. I sat down at roundtables with the families from Santa Fe. We talked about what we need to do to harden schools, including not having unlocked back doors; including not having unlocked doors to classroom. Having one door that goes in and out of the school. Having armed police officers at that one door.”
Cruz could possibly by slightly criticized for adding exits to entrances, but that is a minor detail.
On CBS’s The Late Show, Colbert was confused by the idea of crowd control, “So, he just wants sensible door control. Okay, okay, now look, increasing security at schools, hardening schools could be a good idea. But what about all the other places where shootings happen, like movie theaters, or churches, or grocery stores, and everywhere else in America?”
It may come as news to Colbert, but some of those places already do that. Meanwhile, on ABC, Kimmel unwittingly showed the problem with the idea of gun free zones, “I see, so this wasn’t a gun problem this was a door problem. This is--get rid of the doors, this all goes -- makes total sense. Maybe we should only have an exit door on schools so no one can come in. They’ll see the sign, they’ll right around, there’ll be no problems at all.”
He was also perplexed by the idea of a door, “And while this "one door" idea which is now all over the place might make sense to the NRA crowd, you know who may have a problem with that? The fire department might have a problem with that. What a stupid, fake idea. Listen, Ted, I know you'd rather spend your days doing impressions of the Simpsons and googling stepmom porn, but at some point you might have to get down to it and do your job and doors ain't it.”
Over at Late Night on NBC, Meyers asked, “are you insane? Why not stop at one? Why not just outlaw doors altogether then no one would need keys. To get into your house, you just have to climb up to the roof and slide headfirst down the chimney.”
Meyers also proclaimed, “These obviously aren't serious ideas. They're pathetic excuses from the most depraved people in our politics who would rather do the bidding of powerful forces like the NRA than do anything to stop these massacres from happening.”
After calling for a renewal of the Assault Weapons Ban, Meyers turned to Cruz denouncing Beto O’Rourke, which he labeled hypocritical because in Meyers’s world Cruz reading Green Eggs and Ham during a filibuster is the same as O’Rourke making Uvalde all about himself.
If the late night hosts are sincerely confused by the concept of locked doors, here is a useful Twitter explainer video to help them out.
Stephen Colbert was sponsored by T-Mobile, Jimmy Kimmel was sponsored by Tums, and Seth Meyers was sponsored by Dove.
Here are transcripts for the May 25 and 26 shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
5/26/2022
11:41 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Instead of access to guns Cruz wants to focus on a different kind of access:
TED CRUZ: Look, the killer entered here the same way the killer entered in Santa Fe, through a back door. An unlocked back door. I sat down at roundtables with the families from Santa Fe. We talked about what we need to do to harden schools, including not having unlocked back doors; including not having unlocked doors to classroom. Having one door that goes in and out of the school. Having armed police officers at that one door.
COLBERT: So, he just wants sensible door control. Okay, okay, now look, increasing security at schools, hardening schools could be a good idea. But what about all the other places where shootings happen, like movie theaters, or churches, or grocery stores, and everywhere else in America?
If we're not going to get rid of the guns, we're going to have to harden everywhere. Or, you know, we already have our heads in the sand about this. Why don't we burrow underground and then just close up the hole behind us, and then nobody can get in there, so there's no way anyone will get shot. Unless, wait a second, unless the people who were in there with brought guns. So, maybe we should probably each go into our individual, underground safety hole and I know some of you thinking, you’re saying, "Steve, once we close the hole behind us, how will our friends above-ground find us?" That's easy. We'll put up a marker, something permanent, like stone. And we'll chisel our name on the stone and maybe the date we were born, and the date we went down in the hole. And then, then we can finally rest in peace.
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
5/26/2022
11:39 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: I see, so this wasn’t a gun problem this was a door problem. This is--get rid of the doors, this all goes -- makes total sense. Maybe we should only have an exit door on schools so no one can come in. They’ll see the sign, they’ll right around, there’ll be no problems at all. And Ted knows a lot about doors, you know doors are what he leaves his dog to look out of when it gets cold and he sneaks off to Cancun, so, like Cruzella de Vil. And while this "one door" idea which is now all over the place might make sense to the NRA crowd, you know who may have a problem with that? The fire department might have a problem with that. What a stupid, fake idea. Listen, Ted, I know you'd rather spend your days doing impressions of the Simpsons and googling stepmom porn, but at some point you might have to get down to it and do your job and doors ain't it.
NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers
5/27/2022
12:42 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: I'm sorry you don't want gun control, but you want door control? Are you -- are you insane? Why not stop at one? Why not just outlaw doors altogether then no one would need keys. To get into your house, you just have to climb up to the roof and slide headfirst down the chimney. You really -- you really think one door is a good idea? Then how about you try it first? One door for the Senate, and you can all line up to go in every day, which Ted Cruz might not think is bad but is a [bleep] nightmare for whoever has to stand next to Ted Cruz.
"You know, this one-door thing was my idea.” Can we not. Just spitballing here, but maybe run this idea by a fire marshal first and see what they have to say about it, because famously, nothing bad has ever happened when there's only one way in and one way out of a crowded building. Can you imagine what would happen if someone in an office, say, with only one door yelled fire or worse still, "Ted Cruz is in the break room."?
These obviously aren't serious ideas. They're pathetic excuses from the most depraved people in our politics who would rather do the bidding of powerful forces like the NRA than do anything to stop these massacres from happening in fact, Cruz and Donald Trump, among others, are still scheduled to address an NRA event in Texas on Friday. These people would rather talk about door control than the obvious answers that have worked in other peer nations across the world, from Australia to the U.K. to Norway to New Zealand, and that's to regulate guns. And by the way, when we've done it here, like the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban, it worked, too.
We have too many guns and they're too easy to get, and it's as simple as that and it's sickening and rage-inducing that people in positions of power just ignore those obvious truths, no matter how loud we say them, which might be why Beto O'Rourke, the Democratic candidate for governor in Texas, interrupted a press conference yesterday to tell Texas Governor Greg Abbott directly in a way that Abbott could not ignore that something must be done now to stop these horrific events from happening again. And Cruz, who was there as well, cannot help but respond while displaying an astonishing lack of self-awareness.
