For his Tuesday ABC show, Jimmy Kimmel continued to be confused by the concept of doors in what was a nominally pro-gun control monologue, but was in reality just a rant against the “demon” and “dumbass” that is Sen. Ted Cruz.
Kimmel had just finished playing a clip of an NRA attendee claiming the country has a demon problem and not a gun problem, when he declared, “And speaking of demons Ted Cruz was on hand in Houston to spread his slime all over the NRA-holes.”
Next, Kimmel went straight into being pro-harassment, “Senator Cruz had an unpleasant dinner at a sushi restaurant in Houston where a man confronted him about this idea that he seems to be okay with the fact that an unbalanced teenager shot up a school, because his plan is to do nothing about it. Ted Cruz must know that at this point, every busboy spits in his food, right? Maybe that's what he likes about eating out? I don't know. I, for one, hope Ted Cruz never gets to eat peacefully at a restaurant again.”
Teeing up a clip of Cruz at the NRA convention, Kimmel reported that, “the truth is, Senator Ooze does have a plan. A plan he shared with the gun-crazy conventioneers.”
The clip showed Cruz telling the convention, “The shooter in Uvalde got in the exact same way the Santa Fe shooter did. He walked through an unlocked backdoor. Into an open classroom. We need serious funding to upgrade our schools. To install bulletproof doors and locking classroom doors.”
The shooter did access the school through an unlocked backdoor, but Kimmel still wasn’t having it, “Spoken like a real knob! And by the way the school in Uvalde already had heavy-duty, locking doors. That's how the killer kept the police out. The police had to get a janitor to give them their keys to unlock it. Any other bright ideas, dumbass?”
If the door was locked, then he wouldn’t have been able to gain entry, that’s how doors work, Jimmy.
Finishing up the Cruz-centric portion of his rant, Kimmel hoped for one more anti-Cruz stunt, “Wouldn't it be a shame if people started piling their old doors up on Ted Cruz's lawn? Oh, man, I would hate to see -- imagine if there were so many doors in front of his door, he couldn't get out the door?”
Instead of delivering your door to Cruz’s lawn, maybe people should make instructional videos for Kimmel so he can better understand how they work.
This segment was sponsored by Energizer Batteries.
Here is a transcript for the May 31 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
5/31/2022
11:38 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: And speaking of demons Ted Cruz was on hand in Houston to spread his slime all over the NRA-holes. Senator Cruz had an unpleasant dinner at a sushi restaurant in Houston where a man confronted him about this idea that he seems to be okay with the fact that an unbalanced teenager shot up a school, because his plan is to do nothing about it. Ted Cruz must know that at this point, every busboy spits in his food, right? Maybe that's what he likes about eating out? I don't know. I, for one, hope Ted Cruz never gets to eat peacefully at a restaurant again.
But the truth is, Senator Ooze does have a plan. A plan he shared with the gun-crazy conventioneers.
TED CRUZ: The shooter in Uvalde got in the exact same way the Santa Fe shooter did. He walked through an unlocked backdoor. Into an open classroom. We need serious funding to upgrade our schools. To install bulletproof doors and locking classroom doors.
KIMMEL: Spoken like a real knob! And by the way the school in Uvalde already had heavy-duty, locking doors. That's how the killer kept the police out. The police had to get a janitor to give them their keys to unlock it. Any other bright ideas, dumbass?
Wouldn't it be a shame if people started piling their old doors up on Ted Cruz's lawn? Oh, man, I would hate to see -- imagine if there were so many doors in front of his door, he couldn't get out the door?
