We Regret To Inform You All That CNN Is Still Performing Dramatic Readings Of Trump Trial Transcripts

May 15th, 2024 12:56 AM

Generally speaking, CNN’s coverage of the so-called Trump “hush money” trial has taken such an onanistic turn that reasonable people may question whether Jeffrey Toobin is now in charge of the once-revered Cable News Network. The most ridiculous iteration of this coverage? Dramatic readings of the trial transcripts.

Watch as yet another night of dramatic readings kicks off tonight’s episode of CNN NewsNight with Abby Phillip, as aired on CNN on Tuesday, May 14th, 2024:

ELLIOT WILLIAMS (AS TODD BLANCHE): You referred to President Trump as a “Dictator Douche Bag”, didn't you? 

MARCUS CHILDRESS (AS MICHAEL COHEN): Sounds like something I said.

WILLIAMS: And on that same TikTok, so again on April 23rd, you referred to President Trump when he left the courtroom, you said that he goes right into that little cage, which is where he belongs in an effing cage like an animal. Do you recall saying that? 

CHILDRESS: I recall saying that.

LAURA COATES: Mmm. That’s a dramatic reading, Abby.

ABBY PHILLIP: Yeah. I mean, that's kinda how it went down, intonation and all, Marcus. Thank you for that. Also with us… 

COATES: No New York accent, though! 

PHILLIP: No New York accent, but…

COATES: Where are the New York accents? What are you doin’?!

WILLIAMS: You guys know I can’t do that.

COATES: All right.

ALL: (laughter)

I can’t imagine the trajectory that leads these guys to law school, build careers, serve respectively in the Obama administration and on the House January 6th Committee, only to be brought on CNN and be made to read “Dictator Douche Bag” as well as Michael Cohen’s hangdog responses, and then be berated by Laura Coates for insufficiently performing these dopey readings in a comedic Noo Yawk accent. Nor can I imagine the galaxy-brain calculations that result in performing this schtick now for a second night in a row, thinking this is good television. Or journalism.

But here we are.

Were it not for the fact that this trial is the fruit of an ongoing effort to weaponize state and federal government against the leading opposition presidential candidate, it would almost seem wholly appropriate to cover this joke of a trial and underlying charges in a comedic manner. 

There are many words that come to mind with which to describe the nonsense running on CNN air (or MSNBC’s, for that matter), but journalism is not one such word. CNN’s creepy, cheerleady coverage of this trial is the furthest thing from journalism, and embodies the worst excesses of Regime Media.