The men of late night returned from the writers’ strike on Monday and other than CBS’s Stephen Colbert no longer censoring Donald Trump’s name, not much changed as the hosts were eager to get back to their Trump jokes.
ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel recalled how, “Trump is now facing 91 felony counts, 91 felony counts. It's like all of Melania's birthday wishes came true at once.”
On their Strike Force Five podcast, Kimmel lamented he could not mock Trump’s weight in real time, but on Monday, he got that chance, “Every time something happened in the news, I would get texts asking me if I was bummed we didn't have a show that night, and mostly, I was fine. But the one that really got me was when they booked Trump in Georgia, and he self-reported his weight at 215 pounds. I almost crossed the picket line for that.”
Kimmel didn’t believe it, “If he's 215 pounds, that means he is 30 pounds lighter than his last physical. When he was president, he was 245 pounds. Which means he is either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic. I don't know.”
Over at The Late Show, Colbert also lamented he was not on the air during Trump’s legal troubles, “On June 8, June 8, I really, really missed having a show because that was the day Donald Trump was hit with a 37 count indictment for hoarding national secrets and we saw some unbelievable photos of where he stored them, next to a Mar-a-Lago guest toilet.”
As for Trump’s mugshot, “On August 24, Trump was arrested at the Fulton County jail and for the very first time we got a mugshot. Yes! That is one anger-glazed ham.”
Colbert also compared selling a T-shirt of Trump’s mugshot with a “Never Surrender” slogan to “the time Nancy Reagan sold ‘Just say no’ t-shirts with a picture of her doing a line of coke off Gorbachev's forehead.”
NBC Late Night host Seth Meyers began with a bit of a different approach. During a rapid fire summation of all that he missed, Meyers went heavy on recalling all of Trump’s misfortunates as well as various GOP-related news, “So just bear with me while I try to get through this. Donald Trump appeared in a Manhattan courthouse today for a fraud trial after a judge ruled that he and his family had lied about their business assets for years. House Republicans descended into chaos and finger pointing after nearly shutting down the government while simultaneously embarrassing themselves with a sham impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden that even their own witness admitted did not have any evidence.”
Hunter Biden should be a gold mine for comedians, but Meyers rolled right along, recalling Rep. Matt Gaetz’s fights with Speaker Kevin McCarthy, more Trump- legal drama, Sen. Ted Cruz’s reaction to Barbie, Rep. Ronny Jackson getting “detained at a rodeo,” Trump’s windmills and whales comment, and how Rep. Lauren Boebert “got to second base at a Beetlejuice musical,” among other things.
Meyers ended by asking “Did I miss anything?” Before anyone answer Rep. Jamaal Bowman pulling the fire alarm, Meyers continued, “Oh, right, Trump went to a gun store and held a Glock like he was a Price is Right model.”
In all, a half-sentence reference to Sen. Bob Menendez’s indictment was the only news event about a Democrat that Meyers cared to include.
Earlier on NBC, The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon also recalled Trump’s mugshot, “Yeah, it's like Trump now has resting mugshot face. This a fun fact, and this is real when the mug shot photo was taken, Trump listed himself at 6'3", 215 pounds. Just to give you an idea of who else is 6'3" and 215 pounds -- these guys are. They are just -- sounds about right something's off in the math there.”
By “these guys,” Fallon meant Chris Hemsorth and Jason Momoa whose pictures were shown on screen.
Here are transcripts for the October 2-taped shows:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
10/3/2023
12:05 AM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: Trump is now facing 91 felony counts, 91 felony counts. It's like all of Melania's birthday wishes came true at once. Every time something happened in the news, I would get texts asking me if I was bummed we didn't have a show that night, and mostly, I was fine. But the one that really got me was when they booked Trump in Georgia, and he self-reported his weight at 215 pounds. I almost crossed the picket line for that. If I was the judge in the case he has going in New York right now, I'd start the trial by saying "Listen, look, we're gonna get to the fraud thing, but first? Hop up on this scale, big fella." If he's 215 pounds, that means he is 30 pounds lighter than his last physical. When he was president, he was 245 pounds. Which means he is either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic. I don't know.
This is interesting. They had to take a mugshot when they booked him and so he posed very seriously for the mug shot, and made a T-shirt out of it to sell to his fans. Now this to me is classic Donald Trump. He's selling a "Never Surrender" shirt with a picture of him in the act of surrendering on it. Trump has a lot of trial dates coming up. He was in court in Manhattan today for opening statements in the $250 million civil fraud case against him. The judge has already ruled that he's liable because he inflated the value of his assets to get favorable terms on bank loans and insurance payments and this is how he responded to those inflation allegations.
***
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
11:40 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: On June 8, June 8, I really, really missed having a show because that was the day Donald Trump was hit with a 37 count indictment for hoarding national secrets and we saw some unbelievable photos of where he stored them, next to a Mar-a-Lago guest toilet. Look at that. He left the launch codes in the splash zone. Can you imagine using the bathroom? "We're out of toilet paper! Wait a second. Never mind. I will just make a two ply out Syrian troop movements.”
…
11:43 PM
COLBERT: On August 24, Trump was arrested at the Fulton County jail and for the very first time we got a mugshot. Yes! That is one anger-glazed ham. I tried to match that face. Try to make my face match that face for a joke but I could never get it quite as close as my head writer, Ariel Dumas. Really good. Spooky. Beautiful girl. Of course, Trump never passes up a chance to grift a buck, so he immediately began selling T-shirts, posters, coffee mugs, and even a beer koozie with the mugshot and the slogan "Never Surrender." Quick reminder: that mug shot was taken the day Trump surrendered. So, it's a bit of a mixed message, reminds me of the time Nancy Reagan sold "Just say no” t-shirts with a picture of her doing a line of coke off Gorbachev's forehead.
***
NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers
10/3/2023
12:42 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: So just bear with me while I try to get through this. Donald Trump appeared in a Manhattan courthouse today for a fraud trial after a judge ruled that he and his family had lied about their business assets for years. House Republicans descended into chaos and finger pointing after nearly shutting down the government while simultaneously embarrassing themselves with a sham impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden that even their own witness admitted did not have any evidence.
Florida congressman Matt Gaetz announced he'll try to remove Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. Trump is preparing for another hearing over a proposed gag order to stop him from making threats in the run-up to a criminal trial for his attempted coup. Trial dates have been set in three of Trump's criminal cases for stealing classified documents, trying to overturn the election and paying hush money to a porn star.
Trump was caught on tape admitting that he had secret military documents that were not declassified, kept boxes of classified documents in his bathroom, he was found liable for sexual abuse in a civil trial, called for the former chairman of the joint chiefs of staff to be executed, reneged on a promise to pay his ex-lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who was also indicted by a grand jury in Atlanta for election interference and is being sued by his ex-lawyer for failure to pay, as well as by Hunter Biden, for tampering with his laptop.
Trump was overheard saying the words "Hang" on January 6th, as a riotous mob tried to hang his vice president. Rudy was drunk during the insurrection. Trump chief of staff Mark Meadows burned so many documents in his fireplace that his suit smelled like a Boy Scout jamboree.
Ted Cruz said Barbie is indoctrinating children with Chinese propaganda. The Atlanta grand jury recommended an indictment of Lindsey Graham among many other Trump allies. Trump's former doctor turned Congressman Ronny Jackson got detained at a rodeo. Trump said windmills are killing whales, and that dampening forest fires with water would stop fires.
Chris Christie called him "Donald Duck," Marjorie Taylor Greene showed off a giant poster board with Hunter Biden nudes in Congress and confused Yom Kippur with Hanukkah. Congressman George Santos and Senator Bob Menendez were both indicted.
Mike Lindell got mad in a lawsuit because someone called his pillows lumpy, and Lauren Boebert got to second base at a Beetlejuice musical. Did I miss anything? Oh, right, Trump went to a gun store and held a Glock like he was a Price is Right model.
***
NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
10/2/2023
11:40
JIMMY FALLON: Some more big news today former President Trump was in New York to attend the first day of the attorney general's civil fraud trial against him. And here he is in court. Yeah, it's like Trump now has resting mugshot face. This a fun fact, and this is real when the mug shot photo was taken, Trump listed himself at 6'3", 215 pounds. Just to give you an idea of who else is 6'3" and 215 pounds -- these guys are. They are just -- sounds about right something's off in the math there.
