A bill is making its way through the Florida State Legislature that would limit sex education to grades six and above, teach that sex is immutable and binary, and increase transparency, so naturally ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel had to attack it on Monday, “just because your state looks like a penis, doesn't mean you have to act like one all the time.”
Describing the bill’s sponsor, Kimmel went straight to the gutter, “This a bill, it was put forward by a state House member named Stan McClain, this is Stan. He is a man with a smile that says, ‘Mommy, I filled my diaper.’”
Finally get around to his actual criticism, Kimmel added, “He says that if girls experience their menstrual cycle in the fifth grade, teachers would be prohibited from discussing it with them until they are in the sixth grade. Which makes sense. If a girl gets her period in fifth grade, just tell her to wait a year.”
McClain has voiced a willingness to amending the legislation since that is not the bill’s intent, but Kimmel wasn’t about a little nuance to get in his way, “You know, guys, just because your state looks like a penis, doesn't mean you have to act like one all the time. It's now creating so much controversy and confusion for educators in Florida, the state legislature had to release a public service announcement.”
Kimmel then played a video of a satirical sketch of a man claiming to be Clint MacEntyre, the “public information director for the Florida State Legislature” that included a narrator asking several questions including, “Can girls ask questions about their first period?”
The sketch was also on opportunity to engage with some Florida stereotypes, as MacEntyre replied, “Absolutely not. Because frankly, it’s yucky. Simply put, bleeding is bad. Whether it's from accidentally shooting yourself while cleaning your guns or hitting a possum with your boat trailer. If a confused child mentions her per-- [nervous muttering noises] just tell her it's Whataburger sauce. Like Santa, girls will figure out the truth eventually.”
The second question from the narrator was absurd, “Can girls ask their mothers about menstruation?”
Proving the staff of Jimmy Kimmel Live! has no idea what conservatives actually believe, MacEntyre answered, “No. Why would you? Mothers are women, and if you get mom going, she is going to mention P-R-E-G-Nancy. And apologies to Nancy. That's gross. Children need to learn about pregnancy the Florida way, by getting knocked up in the parking lot at a Pitbull concert.”
The show that urges people to vote based on abortion should not be accusing other people of believing pregnancy is gross. As for the narrator, her final question was “So who should girls talk to?” to which MacEntyre responded with the bad faith book banning claim:
It's better if girls don't ask questions at all. You ever hear the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat?" The cat is dead. That's why we spent our entire legislative session making it illegal for kids to identify as cats. You won't find a single litter box or tampon anywhere near our schools because they attract coyotes. And here in Florida we have a saying ‘Coyotes are like books. They're dangerous.’ Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of cocaine to do.
Back in studio, Kimmel concluded, “Well, happy Women's History Month, everybody,” but at least the Florida bill knows what the proper definition is.
This segment was sponsored by Volkswagen.
Here is a transcript for the March 20 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
3/20/2023
11:44 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: In Florida, things seem to be getting nuttier every day in the Sunshine State. Republicans there are considering legislation now that would ban teachers from discussing menstruation and human sexuality in elementary school. This a bill, it was put forward by a state House member named Stan McClain, this is Stan. He is a man with a smile that says, "Mommy, I filled my diaper."
And he says that if girls experience their menstrual cycle in the fifth grade, teachers would be prohibited from discussing it with them until they are in the sixth grade. Which makes sense. If a girl gets her period in fifth grade, just tell her to wait a year.
You know, guys, just because your state looks like a penis, doesn't mean you have to act like one all the time. It's now creating so much controversy and confusion for educators in Florida, the state legislature had to release a public service announcement.
CLINT MACENTYRE: Hi, I'm Clint MacEntyre, public information director for the Florida State Legislature there has been some hullabaloo recently over what can and can't be discussed in our public schools. So I'm here to clear it up.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Can girls ask questions about their first period?
MACENTYRE: Absolutely not. Because frankly, it’s yucky. Simply put, bleeding is bad. Whether it's from accidentally shooting yourself while cleaning your guns or hitting a possum with your boat trailer. If a confused child mentions her per-- [nervous muttering noises] just tell her it's Whataburger sauce. Like Santa, girls will figure out the truth eventually.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Can girls ask their mothers about menstruation?
MACENTYRE: No. Why would you? Mothers are women, and if you get mom going, she is going to mention P-R-E-G-Nancy. And apologies to Nancy. That's gross. Children need to learn about pregnancy the Florida way, by getting knocked up in the parking lot at a Pitbull concert.
FEMALE NARRATOR: So who should girls talk to?
MACENTYRE: It's better if girls don't ask questions at all. You ever hear the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat?" The cat is dead. That's why we spent our entire legislative session making it illegal for kids to identify as cats. You won't find a single litter box or tampon anywhere near our schools because they attract coyotes. And here in Florida we have a saying “Coyotes are like books. They're dangerous.” Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of cocaine to do.
MALE NARRATOR: Paid for by the Florida Department of Education and the Daytona Bar Association Wet T-Shirt Contest Judges.
MACENTYRE: Is this thing still on?
KIMMEL: Well, happy Women's History Month, everybody.
