This is part 1 of the late night “comedy” shows reacting to the fall of Roe v. Wade. Click here for part 2.
CBS late nights hosts James Corden and Stephen Colbert and ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live! guest host Chelsea Handler all reacted to fall of Roe v. Wade with great horror, decrying it as a loss for the rights of women. There were sorrowful lamentations, references to sex police, and angry denunciations of Republicans, but no passing grades when it comes to understanding what the Supreme Court actually did.
Handler began by introducing herself as Kimmel’s guest host, “I am your guest host, Chelsea Handler. I will be here all week long or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk.”
She also isn’t a fan of the Court’s recent gun rulings, “Remember like five days ago when Fox News told us the biggest threat facing America was drag queens? That was cute. At this point I'd probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.”
Shifting gears to the protests, Handler decided to highlight some signs, “‘You didn't like wearing a mask. Imagine being forced to have a baby.’ ‘Pregnancy begins with a penis. Regulate that.’ From Fallopians 13:13. ‘Don't like abortions? Ignore them like you ignore school shootings.’ ‘I won't carry his load.’ And ‘Get off my lawn.’
Handler then degenerated into more fear mongering, “A lot of women have been removing menstruation apps from their phones because if they get an abortion they're worried law enforcement might use the data to track and prosecute them.”
Later in her diatribe, she would accuse Republicans of not actually being pro-life, “let's talk about what it means to be pro-life. Universal health care. That's pro-life. Restricting guns, that's also pro-life. Fighting climate change. That's also pro-life. Listening to doctors during a pandemic. Also pro-life. Not forcing women to give birth like livestock. Pro-life. But your party opposes all of those things. Calling Republicans pro-life is like calling O.J. Simpson pro-wife.”
Over at The Late Show, Colbert wondered how Republicans plan to enforce their new abortion bans, “I don't understand, held harmless, but still illegal? I can understand why you wouldn't want women taken away in cuffs, because that would be super unpopular. So what's it gonna be? A fine? 150 bucks plus two points on your sex license?”
Colbert never explained why fining the provider was so radical. Instead, he focused in on the idea of a sex license, “How else can you keep track of who could possibly be pregnant? They're gonna have to install those red light cameras in your bedroom. Or if it's your birthday, on the kitchen counter. It'll be like mandatory OnlyFans.”
He would also later invite comedian Wanda Sykes on to say that the Supreme Court returning the issue of abortion to voters means America is no longer a democracy.
Sykes wasn’t the only one to flunk civics. Over in his native London, Corden began The Late Late Show by standing in front of the houses of Parliament. He explained that if the U.K. wants to change its abortion law “nearly 800 people would all have to agree before the fundamental rights of half the population would be endangered in the United Kingdom… But you don't need to live in the United States or even have an American child as I do, to feel utter disgust at anger at the news from the Supreme Court where six politically appointed judges could make a decision that ends the constitutional right to abortion across America.”
Someone forgot to tell Corden that American-equivalents to Parliament couldn’t vote on certain abortion laws because the Court previously told them they weren’t allowed to. Now they can.
Corden concluded his remarks by reassuring viewers he takes the issue very seriously, “If only the American leaders on the right would care and fight as much for the rights of women as they do their guns. Now, this week our show's here in London are going to be full of laughter, full of fun, and joy, but please know that doesn't minimize my devastation, upset and fear at this heart-wrenching and frightening news.
Now, this week our show's here in London are going to be full of laughter, full of fun, and joy, but please know that doesn't minimize my devastation, upset and fear at this heart-wrenching and frightening news.”
In the meantime, countless numbers of babies will get to live. Certainly an interesting definition of “heart-wrenching.”
Handler was sponsored by Allstate, Colbert was sponsored by Liberty Mutual, and Corden was sponsored by Tums.
Here are transcripts for the June 27 and 28 shows:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
6/27/2022
11:35 PM ET
CHELSEA HANDLER: Welcome to Jimmy Kimmel Live! everybody. I am your guest host, Chelsea Handler. I will be here all week long or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk. Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the [bleep] He wants with his body. Remember like five days ago when Fox News told us the biggest threat facing America was drag queens? That was cute. At this point I probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.
As some of you may have heard, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade on Friday. There were massive protests all across the country this weekend and here in L.A. too. Droves of Americans took to the streets, and even in the face of such adversity countless women were able to turn their anger into some very creative posters. "You didn't like wearing a mask. Imagine being forced to have a baby.” "Pregnancy begins with a penis. Regulate that." From Fallopians 13:13. "Don't like abortions? Ignore them like you ignore school shootings." "I won't carry his load." And "Get off my lawn."
Not only has this decision further divided our country. Most families now have two separate group texts going. One with relatives who support the rights of women. And one with the relatives who live in Florida. A lot of women have been removing menstruation apps from their phones because if they get an abortion they're worried law enforcement might use the data to track and prosecute them. I also deleted my menstruation app but mostly because I'm on the eve of menopause.
…
11:40
HANDLER: Just as long as that life doesn't need baby formula, affordable health care, or a place to learn without getting shot. By the way, Kevin McCarthy, since you mention it, let's talk about what it means to be pro-life. Universal health care. That's pro-life. Restricting guns, that's also pro-life. Fighting climate change. That's also pro-life. Listening to doctors during a pandemic. Also pro-life. Not forcing women to give birth like livestock. Pro-life. But your party opposes all of those things. Calling Republicans pro-life is like calling O.J. Simpson pro-wife.
***
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
6/27/2022
11:43 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: So, what will the punishment be? Republicans don't want to answer that question. A leaked memo from the National Republican Senatorial Committee said, “our position should be based in compassion and reason. Republicans do not want to throw doctors and women in jail. Mothers should be held harmless under the law.” I don't understand, held harmless, but still illegal? I can understand why you wouldn't want women taken away in cuffs, because that would be super unpopular.
So what's it gonna be? A fine? 150 bucks plus two points on your sex license? 'Cuz there's gonna have to be a sex license. Can you imagine what the lines are going to be like at the sex DMV? Oh, this is a terrible picture my penis is blinking but we’re gonna have to do it, we’re gonna have to have sex licenses.
How else can you keep track of who could possibly be pregnant? They're gonna have to install those red light cameras in your bedroom. Or if it's your birthday, on the kitchen counter. It'll be like mandatory OnlyFans. But wait—but wait-- there's more bad, because experts say birth control restrictions could follow abortion bans, and expect states to challenge emergency contraception, IUDs, and plan B. Which means folks not wanting to get pregnant will have to rely on plan C: Samuel Alito naked. A hundred percent effective.
***
CBS The Late Late Show with James Corden
6/28/2022
12:38 AM ET
JAMES CORDEN: Now, behind me one of my favorite buildings in London, it’s the houses of Parliament. It was here in 1967 that David Steele, a member of parliament that brought in a bill that legalized abortion in the U.K. Now, if that was ever to change, it would take at least 326 elected officials to agree to such a thing. It would then take another 400 appointees in the House of Lords to vote on that bill before it would ever become law.
So, that's nearly 800 people would all have to agree before the fundamental rights of half the population would be endangered in the United Kingdom.
For the past eight years I've been living, working, and raising my young family in America. It's a place I love. But you don't need to live in the United States or even have an American child as I do, to feel utter disgust at anger at the news from the Supreme Court where six politically appointed judges could make a decision that ends the constitutional right to abortion across America.
A woman's right to choose what happens to her own body wiped out in a moment. In the land of the American dream, the land of the free, a country which prides itself on the protection of an individual's liberties, we move instantly back to a dark age where a court has imposed the minority political view on a country for decades to come. With a decision that endangers millions upon millions of women and their families.
I'm struggling to get my head around any of this. To say that I'm outraged and devastate would be an understatement. It is incomprehensible that in 2022 we should even have to say out loud that women should be entitled to control their lives and bodies, let alone live in a country that won't allow it. If only the American leaders on the right would care and fight as much for the rights of women as they do their guns. Now, this week our show's here in London are going to be full of laughter, full of fun, and joy, but please know that doesn't minimize my devastation, upset and fear at this heart-wrenching and frightening news.
