In a preview of the 2016 campaign, all five late night comics on Monday night mocked Ted Cruz, hitting the Republican as anti-immigrant, regressive and stupid. CBS host David Letterman didn't bother with a joke. Instead, he lectured, "Here's what I find interesting about Ted Cruz, he was born in Canada. His father fled to the United States from Cuba. Yet, Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?"
He then sneered, "Ted Cruz could be president of the United States and if you thought the Secret Service was drinking before –" On TBS, Conan O'Brien hammered, "[Cruz] pledged to lead America boldly forward into the late 1950s." Regarding the senator's opposition to amnesty, O'Brien noted that Cruz's first commercial was in Spanish and sneered, "Cruz said it's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."
Making fun of the Harvard and Princeton graduate, Late Night host Seth Meyers joked, "If you see a t-shirt that says Ted Cruz 2016, those are not election shirts. That's just how old he thinks the Earth is."
NBC's Jimmy Fallon more offered, "That's right, Republican Ted Cruz announced he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America." The Tonight Show host then pretended to throw up.
Finally, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Jimmy Kimmel derided:
JIMMY KIMMEL: The election isn't for 20 more months which is a long time. And he's already running. Ted Cruz could have a sex change operation, get pregnant, decide to keep the baby, which of course he would, give birth, and still have plenty of time to run for president. And I hope he does all of those things, I really do.
Conservative candidates should expect more of this as the 2016 campaign gets underway.
Transcripts of the March 23 jokes can be found below:
Late Show
11:35DAVID LETTERMAN: Earlier today, Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced that he was running for president. Here's what I find interesting about Ted Cruz, he was born in Canada. His father fled to the United States from Cuba. Yet, Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd? [Applause] That's odd, isn't it? Ted Cruz could be president of the United States and if you thought the Secret Service was drinking before, well, sure. [Applause.]
Conan
11:03CONAN O'BRIEN: Texas senator and Tea Party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. [Audience boos.]Yeah, he pledged to lead America boldly forward into the late 1950s. So I look forward to that. [Applause] Ted Cruz just released a presidential campaign video and it's in Spanish. I thought that was interesting. Yeah. Cruz said it's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport.
Late Night With Seth Myers
12:39SETH MYERS: But Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. He's officially announced that he's running. But, and this is important, if you see a t-shirt that says Ted Cruz 2016, those are not election shirts. That's just how old he thinks the Earth is. Don't get those two confused.
Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
11:36JIMMY FALLON: Yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. [Audience boos.] Yeah. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, "Screw it I'm going to run any way." [ Laughter and applause ] And I guess that's the attitude. That's the right attitude. That's right, Republican Ted Cruz announced he will run for president in 2016. So finally, carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America. [Makes barfing motion.]
Jimmy Kimmel Live
11:39JIMMY KIMMEL: Meanwhile the first known candidate to enter the race for president in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz broke the news that he will run on Twitter today. That's the cool way to do it, I guess. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the Oscars red carpet. It's not a great thing. Ted Cruz is essentially the Giuliana Rancic of candidates for president...The election, by the way, don't make us go back to Texas because we will. The election isn't for 20 more months which is a long time. And he's already running. Ted Cruz could have a sex change operation, get pregnant, decide to keep the baby, which of course he would, give birth, and still have plenty of time to run for president. And I hope he does all of those things, I really do.
