ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel had the distinction of being the only late night host on the air on Thursday to react to former President Donald Trump’s New York conviction. Naturally, he and his audience were quite thrilled with Kimmel dreaming about putting the jury on the Supreme Court and being thankful that “this guy” got “some comeuppance.”
Kimmel began his show by reporting, “We have a verdict in the case of the people versus O.J., I mean, D.J. Donald John Trump is guilty of 34 felony charges! After seven long weeks, the courtroom is empty and Donald Trump's diaper is full.”
Since there were no cameras allowed in the courtroom, Kimmel donned a robe and did a sketch with sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez pretending to be the jury foreman, “On the first charge of falsifying business records?”
Rodriguez dutifully reported back “guilty,” which the pair repeated a couple more times before Kimmel asked, “On the next 31 charges?” to which Rodriguez gladly reported back, “Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!”
Kimmel then took off the robe to add, “Poor Donald Trump. Seven weeks of sleep-farting all down the drain. All for nothing.”
Later, after playing a clip of Trump denouncing the whole thing and vowing to fight on, Kimmel mocked, “The only thing you're going to be fighting to win is the Jell-O cup on your prison cafeteria tray.”
He also mused that “We should automatically make those jurors the new Supreme Court.”
Moving on to the sentencing, Kimmel noted, “Sentencing is scheduled for July 11, which happens to be the day Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. And it's the day El Chapo escaped from prison. But this is not El Chapo, this is Pork Chopo we're talking about and this is not Mexico, this is New York.”
After dreaming about Trump on the side of the road picking up ketchup packets as part of a community service sentence, Kimmel reported, “As if the day wasn't rough enough for Trump, the only family member who was there with him when the verdict was read was Eric. No Melania. No Ivanka. Just stupid Eric. Actually, there was a sweet moment when the verdict was read. They say Eric, who was sitting behind his father, put his arm around his dad and he leaned in close and Trump whispered, ‘I wish this had happened to you.’”
Kimmel then took glee in Trump and his supporters misfortune, “Eric did his best though to give it -- he wrote – ‘May 30th, 2024 might be remembered as the day Donald J. Trump won the 2024 Presidential Election.’ Or it will be remembered as the day a jury in New York spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did with that Forbes magazine. I think-- I guess we'll have to wait to find out. It was very satisfying to finally see this guy get some comeuppance. And even more satisfying to see all the bloodsucking jellyfish who feed off his essence lose their minds.”
At least Kimmel admitted that his interest in Trump’s case was not one of following the law, but of achieving a desired result against people he doesn’t like.
Here is a transcript for the May 30 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
5/30/2024
11:35 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: Thank you for joining us here in Los Angeles on what was a big afternoon in New York, and for the United States of America. We have a verdict in the case of the people versus O.J., I mean, D.J. Donald John Trump is guilty of 34 felony charges!
After seven long weeks, the courtroom is empty and Donald Trump's diaper is full. The decision was unanimous. The jury wasted no time. They started deliberating yesterday. They got right to it. It played out in a strange way. At 4:15 this afternoon, reports said there would be no verdict. The judge was sending jurors home. Then, about twenty minutes later, they announced a verdict had been reached. We had to rewrite the whole monologue, it was a mess, but the decision was not televised, but it went something like this. I'll play the judge. Guillermo, you play the foreman. Okay?
GUILLERMO RODRIGUEZ: Okay, okay.
KIMMEL: All right. Let me put my judge's robe on real quick. There we go. Now, imagine we're in court. Foreman, have you reached a verdict?
RODRIGUEZ: Yes, we have, your honor.
KIMMEL: With one quick thing, the foreman is from Ireland. Do it like an accent.
RODRIGUEZ [BAD IRISH ACCENT]: Oh. Yes, we have, your honor. [NORMAL VOICE] Something like that.
KIMMEL: Okay. On the first charge of falsifying business records?
RODRIGUEZ: Guilty.
KIMMEL: On the second charge?
RODRIGUEZ: Guilty.
KIMMEL: On the third charge?
RODRIGUEZ: Guilty.
KIMMEL: On the next 31 charges?
RODRIGUEZ: Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!
KIMMEL: That's right. Poor Donald Trump. Seven weeks of sleep-farting all down the drain. All for nothing.
…
KIMMEL: Listen, the only thing -- I have bad news. The only thing you're going to be fighting to win is the Jell-O cup on your prison cafeteria tray. Thirty-four felony charges. That's 34. That's 34. That's 34, folks. We should automatically make those jurors the new Supreme Court. Now the big question is, will he do time? After he is sentenced, he'll be allowed to appeal. Sentencing is scheduled for July 11, which happens to be the day Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. And it's the day El Chapo escaped from prison. But this is not El Chapo, this is Pork Chopo we're talking about and this is not Mexico, this is New York. Will the judge send him to Rikers Island? Will he get probation? Maybe they’ll put him under house arrest?
Oh man, for Melania, that would be -- that is a double whammy with cheese is what that is. Apparently he could even be sentenced to community service. The judge could make him pick up trash along the side of the road. No joke. I vote for that. That is a beautiful image. Imagine Trump with a hefty bag picking up ketchup packets with one of those grabber pole things. Big truck goes by, blows that cotton candy hair flap to the other side of his head!
As if the day wasn't rough enough for Trump, the only family member who was there with him when the verdict was read was Eric. No Melania. No Ivanka. Just stupid Eric. Actually, there was a sweet moment when the verdict was read. They say Eric, who was sitting behind his father, put his arm around his dad and he leaned in close and Trump whispered, "I wish this had happened to you."
Eric did his best though to give it -- he wrote -- "May 30th, 2024 might be remembered as the day Donald J. Trump won the 2024 Presidential Election." Or it will be remembered as the day a jury in New York spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did with that Forbes magazine. I think-- I guess we'll have to wait to find out. It was very satisfying to finally see this guy get some comeuppance. And even more satisfying to see all the bloodsucking jellyfish who feed off his essence lose their minds.
