Chelsea Handler’s attempt to win battle to be the full time host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show is going about as well as anyone could expect. On Wednesday’s episode, she confused shock value for comedy as she mused about the Pope’s sex life, labeled Fox News’s Tucker Carlson and Sen. J.D. Vance “boner killers,” and cited carbon footprints to defend her decision not to have children.
Speaking of children, Handler dismissed them as mere strangers to their parents, “In America -- and honestly, everywhere -- motherhood is treated as a woman's central purpose in life. As if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out.”
After going on about the difficulties of motherhood, Handler moved on to the Pope, "So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women are not signing up. But many people aren't just surprised, they’re horrified. Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having children is ‘selfish. First of all, I am not going to take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone. Well, not that we know of anyway."
Later in her diatribe, Handler took aim at Vance, who told Carlson that childless mothers are “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives.” Handler then sought to turn the tables on the duo, “Maybe if you two weren't such boners killers, women would want to have more children. I don't want to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's where all of my things are. And I've got news for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're doing to the country, you should be thanking us. We are saving society.”
To defend herself and others like her, Handler declared, “We are more likely to give our money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint. We're the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters, and restaurants. And every baby we don't give birth to is one less baby that could grow up to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how many children he has? Nine! You better bring them all to Mars with you, buddy, okay?”
Throughout the segment, Handler would portray her decision as a personal one and it is none of anybody’s business what she decides, but citing carbon footprints and the fear of another Musk is profoundly anti-human.
When trying to rebut charges of selfishness, it is unwise to simply talk about yourself, but that is exactly what Handler did next, “But these Fox News trolls are right about one thing: I am miserable. In fact, I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed the other day realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach and then here I am, miserable on a top of a mountain, and then here I am, miserable scuba diving, then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub.”
For someone who claims not to care about what others think of her life choices, Handler spends an unusual amount of time justifying her life choices on various late night shows.
This segment was sponsored by Audi.
Here is a transcript for the February 8 show:
Comedy Central The Daily Show
2/8/2023
11:13 PM ET
CHELSEA HANDLER: One thing that I have made abundantly clear is that I do not want children. I say it on stage, I say it in interviews, it's the first thing I say to myself in the mirror when I wake up each morning. Right before I tell myself, “god, you're a dynamic woman.”
Kids don't respect me and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. And the fact is, there are millions of women just like me. But for some reason, every single one of us, at some point in our lives, is shamed by society for not wanting a baby. And that's what I want to talk about in tonight's installment of "Long Story Short."
In America -- and honestly, everywhere -- motherhood is treated as a woman's central purpose in life. As if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out. And then as soon as we turn 18, we're supposed to just sit back and wait for Nick Cannon to impregnate us.
And look, I have infinite respect for moms but motherhood is hard. It’s so hard, it even broke Marie Kondo. Tidying up was her life's work. Then she has kids and was like, [bleep] It, living in squalor is fine.
So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women are not signing up. But many people aren't just surprised, they’re horrified. Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having children is "Selfish." First of all, I am not going to take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone.
Well, not that we know of anyway. And what's crazy is that for some reason, people feel entitled to tell you what a horrible person you are right to your face.
…
Maybe if you two weren't such boners killers, women would want to have more children. I don't want to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's where all of my things are. And I've got news for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're doing to the country, you should be thanking us. We are saving society.
We are more likely to give our money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint. We're the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters, and restaurants. And every baby we don't give birth to is one less baby that could grow up to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how many children he has? Nine! You better bring them all to Mars with you, buddy, okay?
And when are you going to Mars? Go, already! But these Fox News trolls are right about one thing: I am miserable. In fact, I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed the other day realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach and then here I am, miserable on a top of a mountain, and then here I am, miserable scuba diving, then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub.
