After uttering a slew of jokes about Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate, Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon made sure to play the role of equal opportunity offender during Wednesday’s monologue by teaming with comedian Billy Crystal to mock Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for being “so old” (in borrowing a bit often employed in the Jay Leno days).
Fallon switched gears from the GOP debate by admitting that “we had a little fun joking around about the Republican debate, earlier, but actually, the Democrats seem to be a little worried about their candidates as well” since “both of the leading Democratic candidates are over 65.”
Before starting the routine (which involves a back-and-forth with the audience), he observed that “a lot of people are saying Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton might be too old to be president and I mean, it's true. I mean, Bernie Sanders is so old.”
The audience then asked “[h]ow old is he” to which Fallon invoked a certain male performance enhancement pill in making a quip about Bernie Sanders before moving onto Clinton and her well-known decision to wear pantsuits:
FALLON: Bernie Sanders is so old, he needs 12 Viagras to go up in the polls. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] You know, I’m saying, he's old. Hillary Clinton, she's no spring chicken either. No, no. She is old.
AUDIENCE: How old is she?
FALLON: She's so old, her first pant suit was made by Betsy Ross and you know, she bought it at Ann Taylor cave.
Pretending to have a cough in his throat, Fallon turned things over to Crystal, who first mocked the conservative theory of trickle down economics to hit Sanders: “He's so old, he thinks the trickle down theory is about him urinating.”
Following a second Sanders joke, Crystal turned the heat up on Clinton with references to bingo and the telegraph: “And Hillary’s so old, when she hears 2016, she yells bingo. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] She's so old, the first political scandal was deleting all her telegraph messages.”
The Tonight Show host then returned and the pair combined to close out the schtick with some jests about Clinton and Sanders being older folks at a shopping mall and a crude one about the socialist Senator from Vermont:
FALLON: Hillary is so old, she's not running for president. She's mall walking for it. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Where’s the Panda Express?
CRYSTAL: Where's the place where I can get a house key made?
FALLON: Where is the Orange Julius?
CRYSTAL: Julius is over there.
FALLON: Oh, Julius, I didn't see you there.
CRYSTAL: And Bernie Sanders is so old.
FALLON: Oh, how old is he?
CRYSTAL: He tucks his testicles into his sock. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
The relevant portions of the transcript from NBC’s The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on November 11 can be found below.
NBC’s The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
November 11, 2015
11:39 p.m. Eastern
JIMMY FALLON: You know, we had a little fun joking around about the Republican debate earlier, but actually, the Democrats seem to be a little worried about their candidates as well. In fact, they seem most worried about appealing to younger voters because both of the leading Democratic candidates are over 65. Yeah, a lot of people are saying Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton might be too old to be president and I mean, it's true. I mean, Bernie Sanders is so old.
AUDIENCE: How old is he?
FALLON: Bernie Sanders is so old, he needs 12 Viagras to go up in the polls. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] You know, I’m saying, he's old. Hillary Clinton, she's no spring chicken either. No, no. She is old.
AUDIENCE: How old is she?
FALLON: She's so old, her first pant suit was made by Betsy Ross and you know, she bought it at Ann Taylor cave. [LAUGHTER] She's so old, you know what — I’m sorry, I have a tickle in my throat. I think I might need a lozenge. Can someone tag in for me please? Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BILLY CRYSTAL: Thank you. Thank you very much. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I'm getting older. Boy, that Bernie Sanders sure is old.
AUDIENCE: How old is he?
CRYSTAL: He's so old, he thinks the trickle down theory is about him urinating. [LAUGHTER] This has got to stop. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] This has got to stop. He's so old, he remembers when ol' dirty bastard was just dirty bastard. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] And Hillary’s so old, when she hears 2016, she yells bingo. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] She's so old, the first political scandal was deleting all her telegraph messages. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] She's so old, she remembers when Jimmy Fallon had hands. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
FALLON: Thank you very much. Billy, thank you, so appreciate it.
(....)
FALLON: Hillary is so old, she's not running for president. She's mall walking for it. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Where’s the Panda Express?
CRYSTAL: Where's the place where I can get a house key made?
FALLON: Where is the Orange Julius?
CRYSTAL: Julius is over there.
FALLON: Oh, Julius, I didn't see you there.
CRYSTAL: And Bernie Sanders is so old.
FALLON: Oh, how old is he?
CRYSTAL: He tucks his testicles into his sock. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
FALLON: Is that right?
CRYSTAL: Which, believe me, is not such a bad thing.
