As he delivered his opening monologue Tuesday night, left-wing activist and late-night “comedian” Jimmy Kimmel took plenty of shots at President Trump. While he portrayed the President as a dim-witted criminal throughout the entire monologue, he surely took the most pride in the satirical Trump Wines ad he put together accusing Trump of “sucking up to dictators, validating Nazis” and “tearing the fabric of our democracy apart.”
At the very beginning of the monologue, Kimmel managed to tell jokes that did not involve trashing the President. That changed when he put up a national weather map showing the Thanksgiving Day forecast. Since the map demonstrated the weather on one of the busiest travel days of the year was “not good,” Kimmel suggested that Trump should “use his magic weather sharpie to scribble out the storms and…draw some sun in there?
The reference to the “Sharpiegate” scandal marked the first of many jabs at the Commander-in-Chief; which continued when Kimmel described Trump as “yam-headed” before playing footage of his turkey pardons. After the video clips concluded, Kimmel argued: “those turkeys should be pardoning him, by the way, not the other way around.” Not surprisingly, Kimmel’s depiction of the President caused his audience to erupt into cheers and applause.
Later, Kimmel complained that “50 percent of Americans are still on the fence” when it comes to impeachment, asking “how is that possible?” According to Kimmel, “there’s not a single person involved in this, not in Congress, the White House, the media, who doesn’t know Trump shook down Ukraine for political dirt.”
Towards the end of his anti-Trump rant masquerading as an opening monologue on a late-night comedy show, Kimmel mocked Eric Trump for promoting Trump wines during the impeachment hearings: “what most families might see as humiliation, they see as a marketing opportunity.” At this point, Kimmel unveiled a satirical Trump Wines ad with a voice-over listing off a laundry list of left-wing grievances against the President:
Extorting our allies, denying climate change, separating families, telling more than 13,000 lies in office, sucking up to dictators, validating Nazis, employing white supremacists, and tearing the fabric of our democracy apart. This Thanksgiving, make time for Trump wine because our vodka went bankrupt.
A transcript of the relevant portion of Tuesday’s edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
11/26/19
11:37 PM
JIMMY KIMMEL: More than 20 million Americans are facing winter weather warnings right now; which will likely lead to flight cancellations and delays but don’t let the bad weather ruin the holiday for you. That’s what your family is for. Here…here in southern California, this is true, there’s a flash flood warning in effect right now and we’re on fire again. We’ve gotten…and it could get bad in New York too. With all the wind they’re expecting, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade could wind up in New Jersey this year. They actually might have to ground the floats at the parade. This is the forecast for Thanksgiving Day across the country. It is not good. Can’t President Trump use his magic weather sharpie to scribble out the storms and…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: …draw some sun in there? You know, if Donald Trump wants to get his poll numbers up, I was thinking about it today, he should institute a travel ban for Thanksgiving week. No one’s allowed to go anywhere. Sorry, mom, I was really looking forward to my connecting flight into Akron to sleep in a child-sized bed, but it’s illegal now. You want me to go to jail? Our…our yam-headed President is headed to Mar-a-Lago for the holiday. Today, he was busy pardoning turkeys. At the White House today, the President pardoned two turkeys and I think a Kentucky fried chicken while he was at it. Trump was in an especially magnanimous mood today; and he seemed to really relish this very silly annual tradition.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Today, we also come together to honor the beautiful feathered friend, the noble turkey. Now that’s a beauty.
(LAUGHTER)
TRUMP: Butter, I wish you a lot of luck, but I…I hereby grant you a full and complete pardon.
(APPLAUSE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: For what? Those turkeys should be pardoning him, by the way. Not the other way around.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: He’s…yesterday, the President signed the Women’s Suffrage Centennial Commemorative Coin Act to establish a coin honoring the 100th anniversary of a woman’s right to vote. And you’re not going to believe this but somehow, he found a way to make that event about him.
(APPLAUSE)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: So, and they have, they’ve been working for this for years and years, and I’m curious, why wasn’t it done a long time ago? And also, well, I guess the answer to that is because now I’m President, we get things done. We get a lot of things done that nobody else got done.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: Yeah, yeah, well…well, nothing screams equal rights like a woman in a beauty pageant sash. Put that back up there for a second. There you go, that’s…I love that he asks why this wasn’t done a long time ago. Why did they wait 100 years to celebrate the centennial? Mr. President, the word centennial means 100…quiet, I’m sweating!
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: He’s the best. In other landmark news.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: You know how Trump said he was going to build a wall and Mexico was going to pay for it? Well, he hasn’t and…and they won’t. So, with the election coming up, he really wants to get this going. And when you want something done, who do you turn to? That’s right, none other than Jared Kushner; the haunted doll who one day dreamed of becoming a real boy. Jared is now in charge of the wall. And what he lacks in wall-building experience, he also lacks in everything else. But wasn’t…wasn’t he supposed to be bringing peace to the Middle East? Did we give up on that? This is good, too. Do you remember Jim Bakker? Jim Bakker is the disgraced televangelist. He was married to Tammy Faye Bakker. He had an affair with Jessica Hahn, he went to prison for fraud. It was a huge story in the 80s. Well, good news. He’s back. And he’s…has some earth-shattering information to share.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JIM BAKKER: Do you want to see a chart that you’ll…blow your mind? I just got this from one of my news men here in…in the staff. You see that? You see what this is? What…this is the lowest earthquake, look, we’re going along with earthquakes. This is earthquakes. And then look at, look at down here.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Amazing.
BAKKER: Do you want to know what that is? That’s the election of Donald Trump. Why would there be a dip in the earthquakes at the time of the election? Why would there be less earthquakes there?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: Why would, why did it go all the way up at the end?
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: That’s the question I want answered. And by the way, the chart, it’s one of those…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: It isn’t even slightly accurate. This is an accurate chart of earthquakes during the time period. Someone made the other one up to prove once and for all that people, I guess, who watch Jim Bakker aren’t very smart. Meanwhile, there’s some big impeachment news today. We learned that the Trump administration officially put aid to Ukraine on hold the same day as his infamous call with the Ukrainian President, and he didn’t release that aid until after he found out about the whistle-blower complaint, and yet 50 percent of Americans are still on the fence on the…How is that possible? Everyone knows what happened. There’s not a single person involved in this, not in Congress, the White House, the media, who doesn’t know Trump shook down Ukraine for political dirt. His Chief of Staff admitted it and said we should get over it, and yet the Democrats are still building a case, like this is an episode of The Good Wife or something. We…we know who done it. It’s the large orange man screaming at reporters on the White House lawn.
(APPLAUSE)
KIMMEL: If the police need a sketch, I’ll draw it, I mean…But a new poll from CNN found that only half of Americans think Trump should be impeached and removed from office. And what’s especially mind-boggling is while Trump is claiming Hunter Biden improperly profited…profited from his father’s position, this is what Trump’s son Eric tweeted during the impeachment hearing: “It is a perfect day for a nice bottle of this. These people are—insane… @TrumpWinery.”
(LAUGHTER)
KIMMEL: Well, we must be insane. How do we allow this to go on? These Trumps, one thing you really have to hand it to them: they have no shame at all. What most families might see as humiliation, they see as marketing opportunity.
(LAUGHTER)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
NARRATOR: Extorting our allies, denying climate change, separating families, telling more than 13,000 lies in office, sucking up to dictators, validating Nazis, employing white supremacists, and tearing the fabric of our democracy apart. This Thanksgiving, make time for Trump wine. Because our vodka went bankrupt.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KIMMEL: Well, listen, it’s the wine that leaves a stain on everything.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
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