During the final portion of his satirical segment “New Rules,” Real Time host Bill Maher tore into Special Counsel Robert Mueller for not recommending an indictment against President Trump and slammed his investigation as “one feckless punt after another.” As Maher rolled out his final “new rule,” a chyron with the phrase “Bob Cost Us” appeared at the bottom of the screen; a play on the names of one of his guests for the evening, former NBC sportscaster Bob Costas.
Maher complained that “we all sat around waiting for Prosecutor Jesus to turn in his big report, and he came back with ‘ask someone else.’ We needed Superman and we got Clark Can’t.” According to Maher, “if Dostoyevsky had written the report, it would be called ‘Crime and No Punishment.’” Maher whined that the report always included the word “but” after listing examples of President Trump’s “terrible crimes,” concluded that Mueller “loves big buts and he cannot lie.”
After taking issue with Mueller’s “by the book” approach to the investigation, Maher went on to talk about how “greatness sometimes means not doing everything by the book.” Maher cited Thomas Jefferson making the Louisiana Purchase “without any authority to do so” and how “Lincoln lied, bribed, freed prisoners, even fast tracked an entire new state into the Union” in an effort to secure freedom for black people as examples of people “not doing everything by the book.” After remarking that Mueller would not have had to do any of those things, Maher said that “all he had to do is what people in the justice system do every day: use the law to come to justice, not be so restricted by technicalities that the bad guys win.” He called it "one feckless punt after another."
Following a lecture about the “corrupt” Attorney General and the “dysfunctional” Congress, Maher asked “what good is leaving a ‘roadmap for impeachment’ if you know a tribal, party-before-country Republican Senate will never remove the President?” Maher proceeded to direct a message at Mueller: “Bob, your trail of breadcrumbs isn’t good enough. We’re not that smart anymore. America is an aging shortstop. You have to hit it right at us.” Maher included the shortstop reference in an effort to please Costas.
Towards the end of his closing monologue, Maher invoked a tired Watergate comparison when talking about the Justice Department guideline advocating against the indictment of a sitting President: “In Watergate, the Special Prosecutor Jaworski faced a very similar guideline, but he understood the big picture, and his role in history, and he sued a sitting President anyway.” Maher contended that because Mueller failed to understand “his role in history,” “Trump goes into the election as a vindicated martyr and hell hath no fury like a whiny little bitch scorned.”
Maher concluded his rant by wondering if we should have “brought back Ken Starr as prosecutor. At least he knew how to go after a dick in the Oval Office.” It looks safe to say that Maher, like many in the liberal media, is not reacting well to the release of the Mueller report.
A transcript of Friday’s edition of Real Time is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Real Time With Bill Maher
04/26/19
10:50 PM
BILL MAHER: And finally, new rule. Just because you have a stone face doesn’t mean you belong on Mount Rushmore.
(APPLAUSE)
MAHER: For over two years, America has had a crazy person in the White House, and for over two years, the Democrats have done fuck-all about it, because they were waiting for Mueller. We all sat around waiting for Prosecutor Jesus to turn in his big report, and he came back with “ask someone else.” We needed Superman and we got “Clark Can’t.”
(APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Trump calls the Mueller report “the crazy Mueller report,” and in a way he’s right, because it’s over 400 pages detailing terrible crimes by a corrupt President, yet Mueller does not prosecute. If Dostoyevsky had written the report, it would be called “Crime and No Punishment.”
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Mueller’s report is full of “buts.” Don Jr. met with the Russians but.... Manafort gave internal polling data to a Russian but... Trump obstructed justice every day but... Robert Mueller: He loves big buts and he cannot lie.
(APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Preet Bharara was on Real Time the week the Barr summary came out, and I had one burning question: “Could a different prosecutor have reached a completely different conclusion?” And he said, “yeah.” That’s all I need to know. I get it. Mueller’s a Boy Scout, a straight arrow. He played it by the book. But you may have noticed, for the past three years, we’re kinda been off book. And greatness sometimes means not doing everything by the book. Thomas Jefferson made the Louisiana Purchase in 1803, doubling the size of the United States without any authority to do so. But history called his name, and it said “Take the shot, Mav.”
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: That’s what Spielberg’s movie Lincoln is about. Even after the Emancipation Proclamation, black people were not free. That required a Constitutional Amendment initiated in Congress; and to make that happen, while he had a window to make it happen, Lincoln lied, bribed, freed prisoners, even fast tracked an entire new state into the union. None of which Mueller would have had to do. All he had to do is what people in the justice system do every day: Use the law to come to justice, not be so restricted by technicalities that the bad guys win.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: This is why Clint Eastwood never made a movie called Clean Harry.
(LAUGHTER)
MAHER: Sometimes it comes down to you. The Attorney General is corrupt. The Congress is dysfunctional. What good is leaving a “roadmap for impeachment” if you know a tribal, party-before-country Republican Senate will never remove the President? Bob, your trail of breadcrumbs isn’t good enough. We’re not that smart anymore. America is an aging shortstop; you have to hit it right at us. That was for you, Bob.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BOB COSTAS: Nice reference, Bill.
MAHER: To me, this report is summed up in the words: “(Donald Trump Jr.) declined to be voluntarily interviewed.” So make him.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Was he too busy? You couldn’t work around his tweeting schedule? And you, tough guy, couldn’t get the President’s taxes? You didn’t follow the money? You didn’t interview Trump, we’re told, because he couldn’t possibly testify under oath without perjuring himself? And that’s our problem? It’s one feckless punt after another. Thank you.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Rudy Giuliani said this week, “there’s nothing wrong with taking information from Russians.” That’s where we are now. I lay that on Mueller. From now on, you can meet with foreign governments, invite them to hack your opponents, break campaign finance laws as long as it’s by reason of “duh, I’m plausibly too dumb to know what I was doing.”
(LAUGHTER)
MAHER: For a guy who didn’t want to break precedent by indicting a President, Mueller sure created a lot of new precedents. Because that’s what law is, new precedents. It’s always evolving. “You can’t indict a sitting President,” it’s not in the Constitution. It’s not even a law! It’s a guideline, like drinking white wine with fish, or not fucking your cousin.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: It’s a fucking memo. In Watergate, the Special Prosecutor Jaworski faced a very similar guideline, but he understood the big picture, and his role in history, and he sued a sitting President anyway. Mueller could have done that, and the headline the next day would have been, “Mueller breaks with precedent, indicts Trump,” and then that would be our new reality.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
MAHER: And it would have been a better reality, because now Trump goes into the election as a vindicated martyr and hell hath no fury like a whiny little bitch scorned.
(APPLAUSE)
MAHER: Maybe we should have brought back Ken Starr as prosecutor. At least he knew how to go after a dick in the Oval Office.
