For this installment of late-night group therapy for rich, white liberals, NBC’s Late Night host Seth Meyers pointlessly bloviated about how much he hates Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) as a “Handmaid’s Tale werewolf”, just one of Donald Trump’s “weird” “cavalcade of goons”, and someone who, if they were murdered, their colleagues wouldn’t seek to find his killer.
Meyers started with a lame dud mocking Cruz’s quip at a Turning Point USA conference that liberal women are unhappy because they’re stuck cohabitating with “weenies” for men: “Well, joke’s on you, Ted, because liberal women sleep with each other”.
The Cruz-bashing continued in his “A Closer Look” segment that was largely dominated by his liberal bellyaching masquerading as deep, unobjectionable thoughts.
“Trump and his cavalcade of goons are weird. But they’re not just weird. They’re off-putting. Like, set their politics aside just as people,” Meyers insisted.
Question for Seth: Do you know (a) know any real, living conservatives (pundits from John Weaver’s Lincoln Project don’t count) and (b) do you actually like them?
Meyers continued: “Can you imagine actually spending any quality time with someone like, say, Ted Cruz. True story, Delta has a policy if you get seated next to Cruz on a flight, they refund your ticket. This is a guy so off-putting and unpopular, even fellow Republicans tee off on him.”
He then dredged up a few headlines from years past about other Republicans bashing him and took particular interest in fellow Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) having once said, “if you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”
Naturally, the murderous loons in the audience laughed and cheered at this prospect.
Meyers kept going, describing all conservatives as “weirdos” (click “expand”):
And again, those are the reviews he gets from other conservative weirdos. That’s like, if your restaurant got a review that said, “inedible, worst food ever” and you looked at the review and it was from Arby’s. [LAUGHTER] When Cruz flew to Cancun during a snowstorm, his wife invited the neighbors — and this is true — their neighbors hated them so much they leaked the texts to The New York Times. Ted Cruz sucks so hard, his regular-ass neighbors figured out how to get ahold of The New York Times. [LAUGHER]
And, of course, he made phone calls in support of Donald Trump after Trump insulted his wife’s looks and said his dad killed JFK. [LAUGHTER] It wasn’t enough for Trump to say Ted Cruz’s dad was a murderer he had to make him an assassin [LAUGHTER] And Cruz just took it. If anyone accused my dad of being an assassin, I would laugh in their face because Larry Meyers would make a terrible assassin. [LAUGHTER]
Meyers finally arrived at Cruz’s TPUSA remarks, with one soundbite of him joking to the audience of mostly 20 and 30somethings that “[w]e have a president of the United States who his team carries extra pairs of pants with them when he travels, in case he has poopy pants.”
The NBC comic’s attempted at laughs consisted of defending Biden on the basis of “dairy monster” Biden’s love of ice cream, joking that he’d “be surprised if he poops at all.”
Moving on to Cruz’s bit about liberal women, Meyers called it “pathetic” and climbed aboard a high horse to lecture Cruz about going into the gutter:
I have a question: what is politics now? [LAUGHTER] Like for real, what are we doing? Everyone thinks the Ivy Leagues are too woke. Meanwhile, this dude is a senator who went to Princeton and Harvard, and he’s doing bad stand-up about an old dude [EXPLETIVE] his pants and liberals are bad at [EXPLETIVE]. What are we doing? What are we doing?!
Before moving back to Trump and arguing the GOP should “be slightly more focused on nominating a candidate for president who is eligible to run in all 50 states,” Meyers argued to cheers and applause Texas women are unhappy because they’re not able to murder their kids:
Also, buddy, do you want to know why liberal women in your home state of Texas are mad? It’s because they have to leave the state to get abortions for their high-risk pregnancy, you Handmaid’s Tale werewolf. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Maybe do a tight five on that the next time you’re telling jokes at the chuckle hut, or Johnny [EXPLETIVE], or whatever comedy club it is you try your material out at.
To see the relevant transcript from NBC, click “expand.”
NBC’s Late Night with Seth Meyers
December 21, 2023
12:37 a.m. EasternSETH MEYERS: At a conservative conference yesterday, Republican Senator Ted Cruz told the crowd that the left is unhappy and added, “if you are a liberal woman and you had to sleep with those weenies, you’d be pissed too.” Well, joke’s on you, Ted, because liberal women sleep with each other — [LAUGHTER] — dude.
(....)
12:43 a.m. Eastern
MEYERS: As we have established many times on this show, Trump and his cavalcade of goons are weird. But they’re not just weird. They’re off-putting. Like, set their politics aside just as people. Can you imagine actually spending any quality time with someone like, say, Ted Cruz. True story, Delta has a policy if you get seated next to Cruz on a flight, they refund your ticket. [LAUGHTER] This is a guy so off-putting and unpopular, even fellow Republicans tee off on him. Former House Speaker John Boehner once called him “Lucifer in the flesh. And Lindsey Graham said, “if you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS] And again, those are the reviews he gets from other conservative weirdos. That’s like, if your restaurant got a review that said, “inedible, worst food ever” and you looked at the review and it was from Arby’s. [LAUGHTER] When Cruz flew to Cancun during a snowstorm, his wife invited the neighbors — and this is true — their neighbors hated them so much they leaked the texts to The New York Times. Ted Cruz sucks so hard, his regular-ass neighbors figured out how to get ahold of The New York Times. [LAUGHER] And, of course, he made phone calls in support of Donald Trump after Trump insulted his wife’s looks and said his dad killed JFK. [LAUGHTER] It wasn’t enough for Trump to say Ted Cruz’s dad was a murderer he had to make him an assassin [LAUGHTER] And Cruz just took it. If anyone accused my dad of being an assassin, I would laugh in their face because Larry Meyers would make a terrible assassin. [LAUGHTER] For one thing, my dad couldn’t sneak up a set of stairs to save his life. [LAUGHTER] When he’s coming, you know he’s coming. Second, the idea that my dad could quietly put a sniper rifle together? Give me a break. I mean — he’d have all the pieces out, looking at the instructions, cursing to himself at every step. “Ah, this [EXPLETIVE] scope doesn’t fit!” [LAUGHTER] And if he shoots like he golfs, everybody duck. [LAUGHTER] Where were we? Oh, right, my dad rules and Ted Cruz is a weirdo. For example, yesterday at a gathering of fellow conservative weirdos in Phoenix, Cruz decided to become even more off-putting when he said this about Joe Biden.
SENATOR TED CRUZ (R-TX) [at TPUSA’s AmericaFest]: We have a president of the United States who his team carries extra pairs of pants with them when he travels, in case he has poopy pants.
MEYERS: I mean, in Biden’s defense, I [EXPLETIVE] My pants every time Ted Cruz enters a room. I mean, the man’s father killed JFK! [LAUGHTER] Cruz, of course, is doing comedy about Biden’s age because he’s lucky enough to be supporting this spring chicken over here. [LAUGHTER] Age aside, based on how much ice cream Biden chugs, I’d be surprised if he poops at all. [LAUGHTER] I mean, the guy is a dairy monster. If anyone on the ballot is going to [EXPLETIVE] their pants, my money is on the guy who orders all the fast food. [LAUGHTER] That looks like the promo photo for a new game show called Don’t Crap Your Khakis! [LAUGHTER] But “poopy pants” was, somehow, not the most pathetic thing Cruz said at this event. He also claimed liberal women are unhappy because liberal men can’t satisfy them in bed.
CRUZ [at TPUSA’s AmericaFest]: The left is so Bad. They’re so unhappy. they’re so pissed off. And by the way, if you were a liberal woman and you had to sleep with those weenies, you’d be pissed too.
MEYERS: I have a question: what is politics now? [LAUGHTER] Like for real, what are we doing? Everyone thinks the Ivy Leagues are too woke. Meanwhile, this dude is a senator who went to Princeton and Harvard, and he’s doing bad stand-up about an old dude [EXPLETIVE] his pants and liberals are bad at [EXPLETIVE]. What are we doing? What are we doing?! Also, buddy, do you want to know why liberal women in your home state of Texas are mad? It’s because they have to leave the state to get abortions for their high-risk pregnancy, you Handmaid’s Tale werewolf. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Maybe do a tight five on that the next time you’re telling jokes at the chuckle hut, or Johnny [EXPLETIVE], or whatever comedy club it is you try your material out at. So, that’s the kind of thing Republicans are focused on at the moment although, if I were them, I personally would be slightly more focused on nominating a candidate for president who is eligible to run in all 50 states.
