On his Wednesday show on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel declared that if you support Florida’s new law that prohibits K-3 discussion of sexual orientation and gender identity, it is because you are dumb. He also rolled out show writer Louis Virtel to call Gov. Ron DeSantis and others everything from “dumb” to “homophobic.”
Kimmel based his name-calling on the idea that legislation attempts to solve a problem that doesn’t exist:
Florida, as you probably know, has become ground zero for these controversial 'Don't say gay' laws that are cropping up all of a sudden everywhere as if we're in some kind of gay emergency, but the law passed in Florida forbids—forbids-- elementary school teachers from even discussing sexual orientation in the classroom. Which was obviously not a big problem in the first place. This is a political move designed to get dumb people excited.
What is a problem, is that “it’s spreading” and to address that he welcomed Virtel who, despite Kimmel’s claim that law is a solution in search of a problem, declared, “I hate even talking about these horrible bills. They're hurtful to children first of all and they cultivate confusion and shame. And as usual, the people pushing legislation that will affect millions of people in the LGBTQ+ community are not L or G or B or T or Q or + themselves.”
Why are elementary students even aware of those initials? That would seem to suggest Kimmel’s assertion was wrong, but that did not deter Virtel from engaging in some name-calling of his own:
Unfortunately, Dumb Uncle Ron has now inspired other elected officials to join the hate-riarchy. Like this person. Ohio representative Jean Schmidt. This Schmidt-head co-sponsored a bill in her state that wants to ban both Critical Race Theory and talking about queer issues with kids, making it reckless, racist, and homophobic. The old MAGA hat trick! And who's this tidy whitey fella? Nope, that's not Meredith Baxter Birney on an episode of Undercover Boss. That's Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, who wants his own Don't Say Gay bill, and claims that transgender people “are playing god”. And who are you playing, bitch? Old Sheldon?
Still insisting that elementary students are, or need to be, aware of their sexuality, he asked, “Why are you pushing us deeper in the closet? Queer people have to teach ourselves everything as it is. About our health, about relationships, about our history.”
Virtel closed out his diatribe by suggesting to Republicans that, “if you leave this remembering one thing, Jean, Uncle Ron, Lieutenant Dan, queerness is innate. But horrible is something you can change. Take it from me. Your new don't say gay best friend.”
So, is the “Don’t Say Gay” bill addressing a non-existent problem or do children need to be more aware of their sexuality? The cast of Jimmy Kimmel Live! can’t seem to make up their minds.
This segment was sponsored by IHOP.
Here is a transcript for the April 13 show:
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
4/13/2022
11:41 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: Florida, as you probably know, has become ground zero for these controversial "Don't say gay" laws that are cropping up all of a sudden everywhere as if we're in some kind of gay emergency, but the law passed in Florida forbids—forbids-- elementary school teachers from even discussing sexual orientation in the classroom. Which was obviously not a big problem in the first place. This is a political move designed to get dumb people excited. But it's spreading. And one of our writers, Louis Virtel asked if he could have a moment to speak about it. And so here now is Louis, to Virtel-it like it is. Louis?
LOUIS VIRTEL: Thanks, Jimmy. Thanks, Louis. You know, if it wasn't a discriminatory and dangerous law, "Don't say gay" would have made an amazing name for a game show. "Describe Elton John." "-- Gay?" [buzzer] "Oh no! You lose!" I hate even talking about these horrible bills. They're hurtful to children first of all and they cultivate confusion and shame.
And as usual, the people pushing legislation that will affect millions of people in the LGBTQ+ community are not L or G or B or T or Q or + themselves. They're straighter than they're straighter than Jay Leno's dungarees. For instance, this man. Florida governor Ron DeSantis, who looks like every guy who's ever been fired from Monday Night Football. Ron DeSantis is the horrible uncle who asks his nephew's new boyfriend, "So which one of you is the girl?" Been there. He's been championing—he’s been championing-- the Don't Say Gay bill for months. Which, I don't know, seems like Floridians have bigger problems than their kids being too educated about lesbians. Like the shocking number of unregistered pet anacondas. That's real.
Unfortunately, Dumb Uncle Ron has now inspired other elected officials to join the hate-riarchy. Like this person. Ohio representative Jean Schmidt. This Schmidt-head co-sponsored a bill in her state that wants to ban both Critical Race Theory and talking about queer issues with kids, making it reckless, racist, and homophobic. The old MAGA hat trick! And who's this tidy whitey fella? Nope, that's not Meredith Baxter Birney on an episode of Undercover Boss. That's Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, who wants his own Don't Say Gay bill, and claims that transgender people “are playing god”. And who are you playing, bitch? Old Sheldon?
This is getting out of control. 19 states are now considering don't say gay laws. From Oklahoma to Louisiana. Which, really Louisiana? You’re named after Louis XIV? Those aren't even sensible heels. Why are you pushing us deeper in the closet? Queer people have to teach ourselves everything as it is. About our health, about relationships, about our history. Like that Alice Walker used to date Tracy Chapman. Did you know that, Jimmy?
KIMMEL: No! What?
VIRTEL: See, she was the one in the fast car. Yes. But I think I've come up with a solution to fix this. I would like to propose a bill of my own, The Rupert Everett Act. My bill says you are not allowed to write anti-gay legislation unless you prove you have one gay friend. Or a lesbian friend. Or a trans friend. Or at least a friend with an unusual earring. I'll take anything. In fact, I’m willing to take one for the team here. If you are a Republican politician mulling over a bill like this, I will take you to brunch. Actually, you will take me to brunch. You can tell me all about your favorite episode of Yellowstone. I'll explain how Annette Bening settled for Warren Beatty, not the other way around. And we'll have eggs and waffles with berries on them. And we'll drink mimosas out of a hose. And by the end of it, I guarantee not only will you be saying "Gay," you will be screaming it with me from the front row at Dua Lipa. So to recap, if you leave this remembering one thing, Jean, Uncle Ron, Lieutenant Dan, queerness is innate. But horrible is something you can change. Take it from me. Your new don't say gay best friend.
