Doing the comedy that NBC’s Saturday Night Live largely retired from doing at least a decade ago, Fox News Channel’s Greg Gutfeld offered a tour de force to open his Saturday eponymous show in the form of a monologue against the liberal media “jackasses” “crushed” by the Mueller report’s conclusion that there was no Trump-Russia collusion.
Referring to the media’s years-long collusion obsession, Gutfeld first quipped that “[n]o one has been this wrong since God made tonsils” and that a December 1, 2017 take from Joy Behar on Michael Flynn in particular “did not age well.”
This allowed Gutfeld to tee up an absolutely incredible compilation of Rachel Maddow obsessing over minute details of the Mueller probe (see the video below).
Gutfeld was in stitches with the rest of the audience before offering this addendum: “[P]oor Rachel is turning into your crazy aunt right before your eyes. Ten bucks says she's going to show up to work next week with Kleenex boxes for shoes.”
On the media lashing out at the President for “taking a victory lap,” Gutfeld informed them that they don’t exactly “have the license to give advice” because they’re the same “freaks who’ve been telling everyone that he’s a spy are saying don’t be happy that he is not.”
“Please, forgive us if we aren't relieved that our country is in safe hands, you jackasses,” Gutfeld added.
If Mueller had concluded that there was Trump-Russia collusion, Gutfeld surmised that CNN would react this way, MSNBC would have celebrated like a family of little kids celebrating a New England Patriots victory, and The Washington Post’s joy would have been symbolized in a little boy giggling at something off-screen.
Instead, Gutfeld noted that CNN’s real reaction to “no collusion” was this and MSNBC looking like a depressed cat hanging onto to a metal railing and The Washington Post turning into this little guy.
After both montages, Gutfeld correctly stated that “I don't feel bad for the media, neither should you because they never learn” as “[t]his is what happens when you invest too much in something you want to be true and now it's not to be.”
After an amusing skit from Fox Nation host Tom Shillue, Gutfeld noted how not only was the President “vindicated” on collusion, “this putz” in Michael Avenatti was arrested. He added how, on Stormy Daniels’s “list of life dumb decisions, how amazing is it that doing porn ends up being number two after hiring that guy.”
“He sucks, but the media is worse, after all, they gifted him the spotlight because he did their bidding. They loved him because he parroted their anti-Trump desires, so they overlook the sleaze. So it's good to be Trump today. At CNN, their anchors have so much egg on their faces Brian Stelter keeps chasing them around with a fork,” Gutfeld in another knock against America’s hall monitor and the media’s janitor.
To see the relevant transcript from FNC’s The Greg Gutfeld Show on March 30, click “expand.”
FNC’s The Greg Gutfeld Show
March 30, 2019
10:00 p.m. EasternGREG GUTFELD: So about this collusion thing.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: The Special Counsel completed its report and found no collusion. [SCREEN WIPE] There was no collusion. [SCREEN WIPE] The collusion delusion is over.
GUTFELD: Collusion delusion. That sounds like a [EXPLETIVE] David Blaine show. Welcome to the Collusion Delusion. Anyway, it's big news, worthy of a big rally especially since most of the media were betting on the opposite. No one has been this wrong since God made tonsils. [LAUGHTER] I remember like it was yesterday.
JILL WINE-BANKS [in July 2018]: I looked up the definition of treason as soon as people started saying this was treason and indeed it is.
JOE SCARBOROUGH [in August 2018]: They were conspiring with Russians, not colluding. Let's just not use the word “colluding.” They were conspiring.
JOY BEHAR [in December 2017]: Michael Flynn promised full cooperation to the Mueller team and is prepared to testify that as a candidate, Donald Trump directed him to make contact with the Russians. Yes.
GUTFELD: No. [LAUGHTER] That did not age well, but at least some of them kept their sanity.
RACHEL MADDOW: This guy, Kilimnik keeps turning up again and again. [SCREEN WIPE] Konstantin Kilimnik. [SCREEN WIPE] Konstantin Kilimnik. [SCREEN WIPE] Konstantin Kilimnik. [SCREEN WIPE] Konstantin Kilimnik. [SCREEN WIPE] He is still Russian military intelligence. [SCREEN WIPE] Kilimnik, a short man who goes by "Kostya." [SCREEN WIPE] This guy Konstantin Kilimnik. [SCREEN WIPE] Aluminum smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] Big, big aluminum smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] Giant aluminum smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] He started sleeping at his smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] Sabotage in his smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] Came to his smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] Very brutal start, right? Sleeping in the smelters. [SCREEN WIPE] The next person who would be criminally charged in the Robert Mueller Special Counsel investigation bingo game. Did you have a square marked Alex van der Zwaan. [SCREEN WIPE] Alex van der Zwaan. [SCREEN WIPE] Alex van der Zwaan. [SCREEN WIPE] Chromium, atomic number 24. [SCREEN WIPE] The brother of the guy who has got the chromium plant. [SCREEN WIPE] The guy who was the brother of the chromium plant. [SCREEN WIPE] Chromium plant in Kazakhstan. [SCREEN WIPE] Chromium plant in Kazakhstan. [SCREEN WIPE] Next time you see something chrome-plated, take a deep breath. [SCREEN WIPE] Cough it out and think of the Trump Soho. [SCREEN WIPE] Big story.[SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. [SCREEN WIPE] Boom. [SCREEN WIPE] It started ticking again. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. [SCREEN WIPE] Four hours later boom. [SCREEN WIPE] Boom. [SCREEN WIPE] You're stressing me out. He starts tick, tick, ticking again. [SCREEN WIPE] The boom goes off twice. [SCREEN WIPE] First boom. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick. [SCREEN WIPE] Boom. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, ticking. [SCREEN WIPE] Second boom. [SCREEN WIPE] Bombshell. [SCREEN WIPE] The guy who ticks. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. [SCREEN WIPE] Boom. [SCREEN WIPE] Boom again. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. [SCREEN WIPE] The boom. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick. [SCREEN WIPE] Tick, tick, tick. Ahead of time. Ahead of the scoop and then boom.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GUTFELD: Alright, nice work. Oh my — good job, Joni, with the montage. You know, poor Rachel is turning into your crazy aunt right before your eyes. Ten bucks says she's going to show up to work next week with Kleenex boxes for shoes. So, now the people who were dead wrong are now warning Trump against taking a victory lap. Like they have the license to give advice. The freaks who’ve been telling everyone that he’s a spy are saying don’t be happy that he is not. Please, forgive us if we aren't relieved that our country is in safe hands, you jackasses. [LAUGHTER] But imagine — imagine if the outcome will reverse and Mueller concluded there was collusion. This would be CNN.
[ENGLISH CROWD CELEBRATING IN 2018 WORLD CUP]
GUTFELD: This would be MSNBC.
[LITTLE KIDS CELEBRATING NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS]
GUTFELD: This would be The Washington Post.
[HAPPY LITTLE BOY]
GUTFELD: But sadly for them, it didn't turn out that way. Instead, no collusion, hence this is CNN.
[TINY DOG STUCK IN A SHOWER]
GUTFELD: This is MSNBC.
[CAT HANGING ONTO A RAILING]
GUTFELD: And this is The Washington Post.
[TODDLER THROWING FIT AFTER MISSING GOLF PUTT]
GUTFELD: But I don't feel bad for the media, neither should you because they never learn. This is what happens when you invest too much in something you want to be true and now it's not to be. You’re crushed. No, you're worse than crushed, you’re Tom Arnold. What happened to that guy? Isn't it amazing how the loudest collusioners have gone silent? Where could they be?
SYDNEY [from Melrose Place]: Please. Please, Daddy. I’m not crazy. I want to go home. Please, Daddy. I love you.
GUTFELD: I love you. So think about what the media could have covered instead of this circus. Imagine the things they missed being so focused on collusion.
[SKIT WITH TOM SHILLUE]
GUTFELD: Yeah, you see while he was looking at collusion, his wife was having sex with that guy. Just explaining to any of my relatives. So few people have ever had a better week like Trump's. First, you're vindicated after a two-year witch hunt, then this putz [MICHAEL AVENATTI] gets arrested for like everything, but if you think he's having a bad day, imagine being one of his clients. On Stormy's list of life dumb decisions, how amazing is it that doing porn ends up being number two after hiring that guy. He sucks, but the media is worse, after all, they gifted him the spotlight because he did their bidding. They loved him because he parroted their anti-Trump desires, so they overlook the sleaze. So it's good to be Trump today. At CNN, their anchors have so much egg on their faces Brian Stelter keeps chasing them around with a fork. [LAUGHTER] So what's next? At CNN, they reported on a poll in which the majority said that Donald Trump is ill-tempered. Yes, imagine that, to go from calling the President a Russian spy to you know he's just a big meanie. That's like going from Genghis Khan to Chaka Khan. [LAUGHTER] So off they go to find another lame story to scream about and you will go on with your life happy in the thought that you were correct and you were saying — and yet, you had a friend like me to steer you right. You're welcome.
