Samantha Bee joined a long list of late night hosts depressed about the release of the Mueller report, devoting her entire opening monologue on Wednesday’s edition of Full Frontal to the topic. Bee actually admitted that “impeachment was always just a beautiful dream” but that did not stop her from engaging in wishful thinking about President Trump’s downfall.
Bee explained that she saw the fantasy of impeachment as “something to get us through the long slog of Trump’s presidency” before complaining that the “beautiful dream” of President Trump’s removal from office “doesn’t make the gloating on the right any more bearable.”
The news of “no collusion” did not stop Bee from comparing the President to O.J. Simpson: “Now that Trump has shown that the glove doesn’t fit, he is announcing his intent to catch the real killer: Democrats.” Bee was referring to President Trump’s comment that “hopefully, somebody’s going to look at the other side.”
Like many in the liberal media, Bee did her best to assure her audience that the dreams of President Trump’s downfall may not be dead after all: “Trump’s circle probably shouldn’t do their touchdown dance just yet, they’re actually nowhere near the end zone...The Barr letter said Mueller found no evidence of criminal collusion and took no position on obstruction, which is very odd because the Special Counsel’s whole job is taking a position on whether the President did things.”
After playing some clips of members of the media and the Democratic Party suggesting that the Mueller report leaves many questions unanswered, Bee indicated that she agreed with that analysis: “Mueller was tasked with discovering whether Trump or his circle were under the sway of a foreign adversary and we still have no idea what he found.”
Bee told her audience that in spite of the collusion delusion coming to an end, “he’s still facing allegations of campaign finance violations and tax fraud and as always, let’s remember, Donald Trump admitted to sexual assault.”
Bee closed her opening monologue by admitting that “the Mueller report was never going to fix our democracy.” Nonetheless, she made sure to offer some red meat to her Trump-hating audience by saying “you don’t need the Mueller report to tell you that Trump is a bad, corrupt man.” Bee issued a call-to-action to her audience: “the best way to make real change is by winning an election…No one is coming to save us but us. In the end, the real Robert Mueller was inside us all along.”
A transcript of the relevant portion of Wednesday’s edition of Full Frontal is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Full Frontal With Samantha Bee
03/27/19
10:30 PM
SAMANTHA BEE: Hi, welcome to Full Frontal. I’m Samantha Bee. I think some news dropped this weekend. What was it again?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: No collusion, no collusion.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: And no collusion to you too, sir. You know, it’s so weird to realize that all the times he said that, he was technically telling the truth. Maybe Ted Cruz’s dad actually did kill J.F.K. You know, it’s not bad news that we just found out that the U.S. President didn’t illegally collude with Putin. That’s great. Our dystopia might be just a tiny bit less distopey than we thought. Good job, Trump, for probably not doing a crime so crazy it sounded like an episode of 24 as written by Mad magazine. That is an incredibly low bar but you cleared and it we know that clearing things low on the ground is your biggest fear. The truth is impeachment was always just a beautiful dream. I think most of us knew that, something to get us through the long slog of Trump’s presidency like thinking about Tom Hardy during boring sex with Tom Hiddleston. I’m sorry, is that not relatable? Toms love me. But that doesn’t make the gloating on the right any more bearable.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
STEVE DOOCY: This morning when you pick up the newspapers, you’re not going to believe the headlines.
AINSLEY EARHARDT: Even The New York Times.
DOOCY: Whom this probably killed whoever had to type this in. “Mueller finds no Trump Russia conspiracy.”
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: Oh, no, Doocy learned how to read! Pretty soon he’s going to learn how to open doors. And Trump’s TV family are not the only ones celebrating. Now that Trump has shown that the glove doesn’t fit, he’s announcing his intent to catch the real killer: Democrats.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: And hopefully, somebody’s going to look at the other side. This was an illegal takedown that failed and hopefully somebody’s going to be looking at the other side.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: God, that is annoying! It is so hard to hear that helicopter over the horrible sound of his voice. It is nuts to act like the Mueller investigation was just a Democratic smear job. For one thing, it wasn’t Democrats. A Republican Deputy AG appointed a Republican Special Counsel after a Republican FBI Director got fired. Remember, this was mid-2017. Democrats had no power to mount a witch hunt. They were so far in the wilderness, they were stuck under that rock in 127 hours. And Democrats aren’t the only ones Trump plans to hold responsible.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
NICOLLE WALLACE: Donald Trump today sending out a menacing threat via Twitter: “The Mainstream Media is under fire and being scorned all over the world as being corrupt and FAKE. For two years they pushed the Russian Collusion Delusion when they always knew there was No Collusion. They truly are the Enemy of the People and the Real Opposition Party!”
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: This is a scary moment for the free press but a great moment for my new metal rap rock band Culloosion Delusion! Whoa, we’re going to be playing the Bolton ciderfest next week. Come for the cider and leave when you are done with your cider. But Trump’s war on the press is going farther than usual.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MAJOR GARRETT: President Trump’s 2020 campaign going so far as to send this memo to TV producers, listing discredited guests, all Democrats who pushed “outlandish, false…” collusion accusations.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: Wow, usually when he writes to TV producers, it’s to ask them to hide footage of him saying the n-word. First of all, even if collusion accusations turned out to be incorrect, they were never outlandish. I’m sorry but if you’re going to publicly ask Vladimir Putin to hack your opponents and then he immediately does, it is not outlandish to wonder if you guys were doing a collusion. And second of all, speaking for all TV producers, who, by the way include not juts news producers but also like Shonda Rhimes and the creator of Doc McStuffens and me. F*** off. Telling news programs to blacklist the President’s enemies is a clear attack on the freedom of the press. And also, since when do you have a problem with lying on TV? Lying on TV is Kellyanne Conway’s entire resume. I mean, that and intermediate bike riding.
In any case, Trump’s circle probably shouldn’t do their touchdown dance just yet; they’re actually nowhere near the endzone, sports. Really, the Barr letter shouldn’t even be on the Quidditch pitch. The Barr letter said that Mueller found no evidence of criminal collusion with Russia and took no position on obstruction, which is very odd because the Special Counsel’s whole job is taking a position on whether the President did things but there was a third aspect to the Mueller report, counterintelligence.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)
FRANK FIGLIUZZI: The four-page summary doesn’t even touch on what I see as an essential question, which is the counterintelligence question.
ERIN BURNETT: The question of whether the President or anyone around him was compromised by Russia is a question that was not, that we still are working on.
REP. ADAM SCHIFF: We have yet to be briefed on the counter intelligence findings of Bob Mueller…certainly not mentioned even at all by Attorney General Barr.
(END VIDEO CLIPS)
BEE: Mueller was tasked with discovering whether Trump or his circle were under the sway of a foreign adversary and we still have no idea what he found. Barr didn’t mention it at all, which is something, considering that he already quoted the Mueller report as selectively as a review on the poster for a shitty movie. Transformers 8 is a giant piece of dot dot dot movie. There are still a lot of unanswered questions around Trump and Russia and we won’t know the answers unless we see the full report like why did Trump shoot more pro-Russia language into the 2016 GOP platform? And why did he kiss Putin’s ass hard in Helsinki? And the biggest mystery, what was the f*** was going on with Paul Manafort’s ostrich coat?
And of course, Russia stuff is only one of the many accusations that Donald Trump is facing. It may have been the only one likely to get him impeached but he’s still facing allegations of campaign finance violations and tax fraud and as always, let’s remember, Donald Trump admitted to sexual assault. The Mueller report was never going to fix our democracy. Thinking it would is like thinking bangs will fix your personality. There’s a lot more wrong and it’s harder to change. The Russian government was able to hack our elections and destabilize our democracy. The President chose an attorney general who said he didn’t believe it was possible for a sitting president to be indicted. We have a Senate Majority Leader who previously kept intelligence about Russian hacking from the public and then this week blocked a motion to have the full report released. You don’t need the Mueller report to tell you that Trump is a bad, corrupt man. He is just one part of what has gone horribly wrong with our government and the best way to make real change is by winning an election. No one…
(APPLAUSE)
BEE: No one is coming to save us but us. In the end, the real Robert Mueller was inside us all along. We’ll be right back.
