CBS’s The Late Show host Stephen Colbert made an astonishingly hypocritical claim during his Thursday monologue, lamenting in an aside (entitled “What Have We Become?”) about the prevalence of sex-crazed stories about President Trump, his alleged affairs, and the unsubstantiated “pee tape” from the Steele dossier.
It’s quite amusing that a lewd liberal comedian named Stephen Colbert complain about the culture and discourse that he, Stephen Colbert, helped concoct at CBS and previously at Comedy Central.
First, the monologue itself. He went to recap the day’s Michael Cohen news by dubbing Cohen a “man who's definitely seen the Trump sex tape” and could end up flipping against the President and cooperating with investigators.
Reacting to an anonymous quote about Cohen hypothetically joking in prison to have someone “go p*** up a rope” if he only faced a few years in prison, Colbert made a quip as if the “pee tape” were real (before correcting himself):
I can guess how that would go. [IN TRUMP VOICE] “Hey, I heard somebody was [BLEEP] here. Can I watch? Is that — can I? Can I?” [BACK TO NORMAL] Allegedly — allegedly. Alleged — allegedly.
Colbert continued with more Cohen updates plus news that alleged ex-Trump mistress and former Playboy model Karen McDougal has “settled a lawsuit with the owner of the National Enquirer that kept her from publicly discussing the relationship” (even though she did so with CNN on March 22) and therefore, “she can finally tell us more stories about Donald Trump doing sex.”
This led into Colbert’s hypocritical commentary (click “expand” to read the whole thing):
Which leads me to my new segment, Stephen Colbert's “What Have We Become?” [APPLAUSE] Tonight — thank you. People love — people love what we've become. Tonight, on “What Have We Become,” if you had told me five years ago that we would be champing at the bit to get stories about Donald Trump's naked, sweaty body wreaking havoc on a hotel duvet, you would have said, “No way! Now let's watch Sharknado. They're only going to make one of these!” Yes, back then, it was a time of primal innocence — and we took it for granted! Now all of America lives behind the beaded curtain at a video store and it don't smell good. [LAUGHTER] hat all being said, give me them stanky, stanky anecdotes! I'm a super-freak, and it feels good to be bad! [LAUGHTER]
Now, here’s the fun part. One could go back to his time at Comedy Central, but there’s more than enough examples of Colbert poisoning American discourse at CBS. Whether it’s drawing a swastika to symbolize Trump during the campaign, Mitt Romney giving Trump oral sex, or calling Kellyanne Conway “Satan’s trophy wife,” Colbert has no wiggle room to lament about the country’s direction. Here’s a sampling of NewsBusters headlines and links (click “expand” to see the full list):
- Colbert Accuses GOPers of Being Unchristian on Syrian Refugees Comparable to KKK
- Colbert Skewers Adelson as ‘Part-Time Kuato’; Meyers Jokes GOP Candidates Are ‘Radicalized by ISIS’
- Stephen Colbert Uses a Swastika to ‘Figure Out’ Nazi Donald Trump
- Live ‘Late Show’ Jokes Pence Is Gay Giving Putin Blowjobs; Conway Won’t ‘Hold Your Hair’ If You Puke
- Late-Night Comics: Trump Is Sex Toy That Should Try Breast Feeding; Palin Is HPV of Politics
- Colbert Jokes Romney Gave Trump Oral Sex at Dinner; ‘Frogs Legs Taste a Little Bit' Like Trump's Balls
- Colbert Mocks: ‘Naughty’ Pence Must Be a Sex Maniac for Having Marriage Boundaries
- Offended Colbert Comes to Dickerson’s Defense With Vilest Anti-Trump Monologue Yet
- Tasteless Colbert Denigrates Kellyanne Conway as ‘Satan’s Trophy Wife’ Defending Donald Trump Jr.
- Colbert Jokes America Is the Real ‘S***hole’ Country Since Trump Is President
To see the relevant transcript from CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on April 19, click “expand.”
CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
April 19, 2018
11:40 p.m. Eastern
STEPHEN COLBERT: Of course, there are some doubts about the President's current attorney and man who's definitely seen the Trump sex tape [LAUGHTER] Michael Cohen. Apparently, Trump and his advisers “are increasingly worried that [Cohen] might be susceptible to cooperating with federal prosecutors.” The obvious answer: Michael Cohen just pays himself $130,000 to shut up. [LAUGHTER] One Trump team lawyer says Cohen's loyalty depends on how much prison time he's facing. “I think for two years or four years or five years, Michael Cohen would be a stand-up guy. I think he'd tell them go p*** up a rope.” I can guess how that would go. [IN TRUMP VOICE] “Hey, I heard somebody was [BLEEP] here. Can I watch? Is that — can I? Can I?” Allegedly — allegedly. Alleged — allegedly.
JON BATISTE: Allegedly.
COLBERT: The attorney continued: “If they look at him and say it's not two to four years, it's 18 to 22, then how loyal is he? Is he two years loyal? Is he ten years loyal? Is he 15 years loyal?” 15 years? Michael Cohen disclosed Sean Hannity's name in court after being asked twice. [LAUGHTER] He's not “five minute” loyal. [LAUGHTER] [PIANO RIFF] And let's just pause a moment to notice that they have jumped immediately to whether Michael Cohen will turn state's evidence against the President of the United States to avoid jail time, which everybody believes is coming for at least one of these guys. The word “innocent” is nowhere in this conversation. Even justice is like “I'm blind, but I can smell fear.” [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] But, hey — that's true. They can smell fear. Justice can smell fear.
BATISTE: Like a dog.
COLBERT:: Justice is like a dog, she can smell fear. But, hey, maybe Cohen won't flip. We're talking about the guy who “tweeted earlier this month that he will ‘always protect’ Trump,” and said in an interview, “I'm the guy who would take a bullet for the President.” Shh! Michael! Don't give them any ideas! [LAUGHTER] And, look, don't go fishing on Lake Tahoe. Meanwhile, the women that Cohen worked so hard to keep quiet are now getting out of their agreements like former Playboy model Karen McDougal, who claims to have had a ten-month affair with Donald Trump, has just “settled a lawsuit with the owner of the National Enquirer that kept her from publicly discussing the relationship.” Great. Now she can finally tell us more stories about Donald Trump doing sex? Yay? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Which leads me to my new segment, Stephen Colbert's “What Have We Become?” [APPLAUSE] Tonight — thank you. People love — people love what we've become. Tonight, on “What Have We Become,” if you had told me five years ago that we would be champing at the bit to get stories about Donald Trump's naked, sweaty body wreaking havoc on a hotel duvet, you would have said, “No way! Now let's watch Sharknado. They're only going to make one of these!” Yes, back then, it was a time of primal innocence — and we took it for granted! Now all of America lives behind the beaded curtain at a video store and it don't smell good. [LAUGHTER] hat all being said, give me them stanky, stanky anecdotes! I'm a super-freak, and it feels good to be bad! [LAUGHTER]
