Dear distraught Hillary/Bernie supporters,
Yes, the world is now a terrifying place, but Lebron James is there for you. The NBA superstar is on the cover of Sports Illustrated sporting a safety pin. He shares your fear, and he’s the Sportsperson of the Year, according to SI. So you got that goin' for you.
Your new president or, more likely #Notyournewpresident, is the antithesis of all that is good on Gaia’s green Earth. He supports same-sex marriage. He holds no intelligible opinion on abortion. He’s against globalization and companies that move where the cost of labor and regulation are not a disincentive to produce.
Never mind! We get it. Trump’s just scary. But King James and his safety pin have you covered. He’ll care for you, nurture you.
In fact, he’s offering his $9.2M, 30,000 sq ft. Acron mansion as a “safe space” where you can grieve and work through your healing process. In the home theater, use Lebron’s coloring books to banish white privilege with a kalaidescope of magnificent hues. Sit with cocoa in the breakfast room in footy PJs and reminisce about those first, heady days of ObamaCare. Out by the pool, you can hold puppies and remind yourself that $15 per hour to work a deep fryer is humanity’s noblest aspiration. The King’s game room has been renamed the activity room to offer a space free from the Western-propagated binary of winning and losing. You can, if you wish, designate each of the many, many bathrooms for a different gender identity.
And there’ll be hugging. Lots of hugging.
Not from Lebron, of course. He’ll be at his $21M Brentwood place.
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