As it did for the first presidential debate, CBS’s Late Show was live again on Tuesday night to comment on the vice presidential debate as host Stephen Colbert denigrated the Bible with a fake verse about Indiana pizza parlors and crudely joking that Republican nominee Mike Pence is gay giving blowjobs to Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Roughly five minutes after the show opened, Colbert smeared Pence for his “record” being “marked by his religious freedom bill that allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers on religious grounds.”
The supposedly-devote-Catholic host then put on-screen a fake piece of Scripture from the Gospel of Matthew to his amusement: “[N]o, no, be fair, as Jesus himself said, ‘get out of my pizza parlor, you queers.’ I'm paraphrasing. Obviously, we're paraphrasing. That's a roughly translation. Much nicer in the original Aramaic.”
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Colbert conceded that Pence came out as the victor in the debate against Virginia Democratic Senator Tim Kaine despite it feeling as though “it was like watching a loaf of white bread get pistol whipped by a jar of mayonnaise,” but he soon moved onto some gutter talk that, needless to say, would have been less surprising if it aired on TBS’s Full Frontal.
“Now, while Pence, I gotta say, Pence had a pretty good night. There were some surprising admissions from this cultural conservative,” Pence explained before airing a clip of Pence discussing his Christian faith but was cut off after he stated that he tries to “spend a little time on my knees every day.”
Clearly trying to evoke a spoofed sexual implication out of it that Pence was gay, Colbert dropped the punchline as the liberal audience ate it up in approval:
Apparently, Mike Pence is also very close with Vladimir Putin. Now, fair warning, fair warning, Mike. Indiana businesses can refuse serve you. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] and it's your law. It's your law. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
The sick humor wasn’t quite over as much later on in the program, liberal comedian Cheri Oteri responded that she’d like to do an impression one day of Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway even though “she is not a girl who is going to hold your hair when you throw up” but rather “[s]hove your face in it.”
The relevant portions of the transcript from CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on October 4 can be found below.
CBS’s The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
October 4, 2016
11:40 p.m. Eastern
STEPHEN COLBERT: As Governor, Pence's record was marked by his religious freedom bill that allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers on religious grounds because [BOOS] no, no, be fair, as Jesus himself said, “get out of my pizza parlor, you queers.” [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] I'm paraphrasing. Obviously, we're paraphrasing. That's a roughly translation. Much nicer in the original Aramaic. They say these vice presidential debates don't matter, and Hillary Clinton had better hope because both men, you know, tried their hardest, it was like watching a loaf of white bread get pistol whipped by a jar of mayonnaise [LAUGHTER].
(....)
COLBERT: Now, while Pence, I gotta say, Pence had a pretty good night. There were some surprising admissions from this cultural conservative.
REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE (Ind.): I try and spend a little time on my knees every day. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
COLBERT: Apparently, Mike Pence is also very close with Vladimir Putin. Now, fair warning, fair warning, Mike. Indiana businesses can refuse serve you. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] and it's your law. It's your law. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
(....)
COLBERT: Is there — are there any characteristics of any candidate like, “I'd love to be up there performing Hillary? I'd love to be up there performing Trump.”
CHERI OTERI: I would if anybody I think maybe that woman Kellyanne, his secretary —
COLBERT: Kellyanne Conway?
OTERI: Yeah. His press secretary —
COLBERT: His campaign manager now. Yeah, yeah.
OTERI: Yeah. His campaign manager. I mean, she is not a girl who is going to hold your hair when you throw up. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
COLBERT: Nope.
OTERI: No.
COLBERT: Maybe just shove your face —
OTERI: Shove your face in it. Yeah, yeah, I mean —
COLBERT: How about Trump himself? Do you think — I know you're not a 6'2" man, but there are — do you —
OTERI: Oh, you're sweet!
COLBERT: I noticed.
