Did Ezra Klein find a Sherlock Holmes cap and magnifying glass in the same cereal box as the super decoder ring? One has to ask because suddenly Klein is playing the role of a junior detective making deductions about Officer Darren Wilson's newly released testimony to the grand jury in St. Louis to somehow come to the conclusion that he finds it "unbelievable." You can see Klein's bizarre conclusions at Vox where he Voxsplains it all based what he must believe to be his vast reservoir of street smarts.
Of course, this whole notion of junior detective Klein has been widely mocked on Twitter. First let us join Klein in his Sherlock Holmes mode which comes off more as Inspector Clouseau as he takes a bit of Wilson's testimony and applies his laughable deductive powers upon it.
I was doing the, just scrambling, trying to get his arms out of my face and him from grabbing me and everything else. He turned to his...if he's at my vehicle, he turned to his left and handed the first subject. He said, "here, take these." He was holding a pack of — several packs of cigarillos which was just, what was stolen from the Market Store was several packs of cigarillos. He said, "here, hold these" and when he did that I grabbed his right arm trying just to control something at that point. Um, as I was holding it, and he came around, he came around with his arm extended, fist made, and went like that straight at my face with his...a full swing from his left hand.
Now let the junior detective explain why he finds Wilson's account to be unbelievable:
So Brown is punching inside the car. Wilson is scrambling to deflect the blows, to protect his face, to regain control of the situation. And then Brown stops, turns to his left, says to his friend, "Here, hold these," and hands him the cigarillos stolen from Ferguson Market. Then he turns back to Wilson and, with his left hand now freed from holding the contraband goods, throws a haymaker at Wilson.
Every bullshit detector in me went off when I read that passage. Which doesn't mean that it didn't happen exactly the way Wilson describes. But it is, again, hard to imagine. Brown, an 18-year-old kid holding stolen goods, decides to attack a cop and, while attacking him, stops, hands his stolen goods to his friend, and then returns to the beatdown. It reads less like something a human would do and more like a moment meant to connect Brown to the robbery.
Did Klein even watch the video of the robbery to see Brown calmly steal cigarillos? He even went blithely on his way with an incredible level of arrogance when confronted by the store owner. Oh, and he kept the cigarillos. Yes, Ezra, you might have been too freaked out to hand cigarillos to a friend while beating on a cop (although that scenario is impossible to imagine) but the "gentle giant" comes from a background that an Ivy Leaguer can't comprehend.
Klein also psychoanalyzes the stoned mind of Michael Brown with laughable results:
Why did Michael Brown, an 18-year-old kid headed to college, refuse to move from the middle of the street to the sidewalk? Why would he curse out a police officer? Why would he attack a police officer? Why would he dare a police officer to shoot him? Why would he charge a police officer holding a gun? Why would he put his hand in his waistband while charging, even though he was unarmed?
None of this fits with what we know of Michael Brown. Brown wasn't a hardened felon. He didn't have a death wish. And while he might have been stoned, this isn't how stoned people act. The toxicology report did not indicate he was on PCP or something that would've led to suicidal aggression.
Yeah, just a mellow fellow who was on his way to becoming a college freshman. Stoned but laid back. Incapable of brute violence. On Planet Ezra, Michael Brown would already have been a studious college student majoring in theology or perhaps quantum physics.
Of course, the absurd analysis by Klein has inspired widespread Twitter mockery starting with these tweets chronicled by Twitchy:
This reads like an eighth grade paper. Good job good effort @ezraklein. https://t.co/EBBEuOYq0Q
— EEE (@EEElverhoy) November 25, 2014
Guys! Ezra Klein applies his experiences on the mean streets to tell you it couldn't have gone down the way cop says. http://t.co/7zetr9SY8f
— DrewMTips (@DrewMTips) November 25, 2014
Apparently, Ezra Klein, Darren Wilson's testimony was so unbelievable at least 9 of 12 grand jurors found it believable.
— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) November 25, 2014
That was only a small sampling of the Tweets mocking junior detective Klein. Here are some more samples:
Hey @ezraklein you realize that while you can't believe Brown handed cigarillos to his friend, his friend testified to that fact? #Ferguson
— Jaihawkk (@Jaihawkk) November 25, 2014
@ezraklein @hotelkeys if u think the officer's story unbelievable u have never hung w/street, pot, crime elements. I have, its believable.
— Una Rose (@unarose7) November 25, 2014
@ezraklein So the alternative is...Officer Wilson just started shooting Brown for not getting off the street? Talk about unbelievable.
— Brady Burnside (@BradyBurnside) November 25, 2014
Keep in mind that Klein is looking it all through the lense of the Vox ivory tower which is why he has set himself up for so much mockery.
