The Late Show host Stephen Colbert devoted his entire opening monologue Thursday night to weighing in on the Democratic debate. From his perspective, the night had a clear winner: Kamala Harris. In addition to repeatedly praising Harris, Colbert trashed Republicans as racist and ignorant multiple times; including by covertly comparing them to the Ku Klux Klan.
Colbert’s attacks on Republicans began after he played a clip of Senator Bernie Sanders describing President Trump as a “phony,” “pathological liar,” and “a racist.” After the clip concluded, Colbert proclaimed: “Oh, they understand it, sir. That’s the reason why some of them voted for him.” Colbert played another clip of Sanders talking about the importance of exposing President Trump “for the fraud that he is” before saying “Not sure if we need to do that, Senator. Trump already has a long history of exposing himself.”
Later, Colbert played a clip of Pete Buttigieg talking about how “the Republican Party likes to cloak itself in the language of religion.” At this point, Colbert invoked his comparison of Republicans to the KKK: “I don’t know, mayor, nowadays, it’s less of a cloak and more of a sheet.”
Colbert spent most of the rest of his monologue weighing in on Harris’s performance. The Late Show host’s admiration for Harris should not have come as that much of a surprise after he praised the California Senator as “the true star of the Barr bashin’” following the Attorney General’s appearance on Capitol Hill last month.
Perhaps taking his cues from others in the media, Colbert began his monologue by talking about how Joe Biden’s supporters handed out free ice cream, which they referred to as “Joe cones.” According to Colbert, “the Joe cone was met by the Kamala Harris flame thrower.” Following an outburst of cheering from his audience, Colbert mentioned that while Biden “had the Joe cone…she made Joe scream, you scream, we all scream holy cow she might be President!”
Colbert continued to act as a cheerleader for Harris: “As a former prosecutor, Harris found everyone else on that stage guilty of being less interesting and sentenced them of two hours of being her pasty background singers.” Perhaps with a “thrill up his leg,” Colbert declared: “I believe in global warming because tonight Kamala Harris was on fire!” After playing a clip of Harris’s exchange with Joe Biden on school busing, Colbert told his audience “I believe Harris on busing because she clearly just took Biden to school.”
Colbert closed his monologue by playing a clip of Harris’s closing statement, where she said “I just want to leave you with a couple of things.” Colbert concluded that the “couple of things” she was referring to were “Joe Biden’s balls,” reinforcing the point that he saw her as the winner of the debate. It looks like Colbert already has fantasies about Harris as the Democratic nominee in the general election; he can’t wait for her to “break out the Louisville slugger on Trump” and snap him over her knee “like a stale breadstick.”
A transcript of the relevant portion of Thursday’s edition of The Late Show is below. Click “expand” to read more.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
06/27/19
11:37 PM
STEPHEN COLBERT: We are coming to you live.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: Coming to you live after tonight’s Democratic debate. Tonight, we saw a clash of the big B’s, Biden, Bernie, Buttigieg, Bicken-blooper.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Coming into the evening, Joe Biden had a big lead in all the polls, and to celebrate, his supporters handed out free ice cream they called “Joe cones.” A Joe cone is also what Biden wears to make sure he respects personal space these days. Just, just safety.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: It’s a response. Response.
JON BATISTE: Oh, my.
COLBERT: But tonight, tonight, the Joe cone was met by the Kamala Harris flame thrower. She…
(CHEERING)
COLBERT: Oh, you…oh, you watched it. Yes. He had the Joe cone, but she made Joe scream, you scream, we all scream holy cow she might be President! As…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(PIANO RIFF)
COLBERT: There you go. As a former prosecutor, Harris found everyone else on that stage guilty of being less interesting and sentenced them of two hours of being her pasty background singers. It all started out innocently enough for the Vice President and when he got a question about reassuring Wall Street that nothing would change, and he cranked the folksy knob up to 11.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN: What I meant by that is, look, Donald Trump thinks Wall Street built America. Ordinary middle-class Americans built America. My dad used to have an expression…
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: He used to say, “son, the Vikings are coming for all of us and they will end this village.” It was a long time ago. “Take your mother and your sister and get to the caves!”
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Kamala Harris started by biting the head off of this question…
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SAVANNAH GUTHRIE: Do you think that Democrats have a responsibility to explain how they will pay for every proposal they will make along those lines?
KAMALA HARRIS: Well, let me tell you something, I, I hear that question, but where was that question when the Republicans and Donald Trump passed a tax bill that benefits the top one percent and the biggest corporations in this country?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: And where will the questions be when I break out the Louisville slugger on Trump and the oval of pain because after I snap him over my knee like a stale breadstick, there will be no more questions! Next question. And…
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
JON BATISTE: That’s about right. That’s about right.
COLBERT: I believe in global warming because tonight Kamala Harris was…on fire!
(CHEERING)
(PIANO RIFF)
COLBERT: And look at Bernie’s face while she was giving that answer. He’s literally licking his lips. “She just, she just took the top ten percent of the best 40 percent of what I was going to say. It’s not fair!”
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Bernie also went after the President.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BERNIE SANDERS: The American people understand that Trump is a phony, that Trump is a pathological liar and a racist…
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Oh, they understand it, sir. That’s the reason why some of them voted for him.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: And he Bernied on.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SANDERS: That’s how we beat Trump, we expose him for the fraud that he is.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Not sure if we need to do that, Senator. Trump already has a long history of exposing himself.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: And…
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: Kind of icky. Senator Michael Bennet seemed surprised when a question was directed his way.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTHRIE: Senator Bennet…
(APPLAUSE)
GUTHRIE: …you have said, “it’s possible to write policy proposals that have no basis in reality, you might as well call them candy.” Were you referring to any candidate or proposal in particular when you said that?
MICHAEL BENNET: Are you…was that directed at me?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Am I supposed to talk? Am I, am I on camera? Because I was just looking for the salad bar. I’m sorry because this seems very nice.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Then he Españoled again.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Wow! I knew Buttigieg spoke Norwegian but had no idea he spoke Beto
O’Rourke!(PIANO RIFF)
(APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: That’s…that’s fantastic. Muchas gracias.
BATISTE: Gracias. Gracias.
COLBERT: Andrew Yang is running on a proposal for universal basic income but I’m not sure if he knows that.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOSE DIAZ-BALART: Mr. Yang, your…your signature policy is to give every adult in the United States $1,000 a month, no questions asked.
ANDREW YANG: That’s right.
DIAZ-BALART: I think that’s like $3.2 trillion a year. How would you do that?
YANG: Sorry?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Uh, um... Uh...with scratchers? With scratchers?
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: I’m sorry…I was just trying to remember where I left my tie. I had one when I walked in here.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Then Congressman Eric Swalwell showed how tough he was by throwing a punch at an old man.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ERIC SWALWELL: I was six years old when a presidential candidate came to the California Democratic Convention and said “it’s time to pass the torch to a new generation of Americans.” That candidate was then-Senator Joe Biden.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Oh, snap!(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: I think Swalwell already has that torch because that was a sick burn!
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: But Vice President Biden had a comeback.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DIAZ-BALART: Vice President, would you like to sing a torch song?
BIDEN: I would.
(LAUGHTER)
BIDEN: I’m still holding on to that torch.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Yes, I’m still holding on to that torch which is why my slogan is “Biden 2020, give me the nomination or I will burn this place to the ground!” All right, do not mess with me! You whipper snapper! Come on! Come on!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: I’ll give you the Jack Johnsons!
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: You little shaver! At one point, every candidate was talking over every other candidate about something that I can’t remember other than how Kamala Harris put an end to it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(CROSSTALK)
HARRIS: Hey guys, you know what? America does not want to witness a food fight. They want to know how we’re going to put food on their table.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah. She had that line ready. Yeah, she had…she had that in some Tupperware.
(LAUGHTER)
(PIANO RIFF)
COLBERT: Now finally, self-help guru Marianne Williamson had a turn to weigh in and she had her own prescription for beating Trump.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON: I’ll tell you one thing, it’s really nice if we’ve got all these plans but if you think we’re going to beat Donald Trump by just having all these plans, you have got another thing coming, because he didn’t win by saying he had a plan, he won by simply saying “Make America Great Again.” We have to get deeper than just these superficial fixes.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Yes. We need to go deeper than these superficial, carefully thought out political policies. Has anyone tried fixing America with crystals and bee pollen…
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: …yoga?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BATISTE: Watch out! Watch yourself there.
COLBERT: John Hickenlooper was asked a classic debate question.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DIAZ-BALART: Governor Hickenlooper, day one, if you are…
(APPLAUSE)
DIAZ-BALART: Day one at the White House, how do you respond…
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: What would I do on day one of the White House? Well, gee I would probably congratulate whoever won the election because I should not be up here but…
(PIANO RIFF)
COLBERT: Just, uh…
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: Once again, self-help guru Marianne Williamson had a more holistic approach to immigration.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMSON: What President Trump has done is not only attack these children, not only demonize these immigrants, he is attacking a basic principle of America’s moral core. We open our hearts to the stranger.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: At least I hope so because no one knows who the hell I am.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Just look…
(APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: Mayor Pete focused on his faith.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PETE BUTTIGIEG: We’ve got to talk about one other thing because the Republican Party likes to cloak itself in the language of religion.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: I don’t know, mayor, nowadays it’s less of a cloak nowadays and more of a sheet.
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
BATISTE: Mmm...
COLBERT: Halfway…
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Halfway through, there was a personnel switch with Rachel Maddow playing the part of Lester Holt and Chuck Todd playing the part of a guy who really likes the sound of his own voice. When discussion turns to racism, a lot of the white folks on stage had opinions, but Kamala Harris had experience.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHUCK TODD: We’re going to get to you. Hang on.
HARRIS: As the only black person on this stage, I would like to speak on the issue of race.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
RACHEL MADDOW: Senator Harris…
HARRIS: And so what I will say is that I agree…
MADDOW: …we will give you 30 seconds since we’re going to come back to you on this again in just a moment. Go for 30 seconds.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Okay, so for 30 seconds to sum up an institutionalized racism that’s been plaguing our country since our very foundation and, go!
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HARRIS: I’m going to now direct this at Vice President Biden. I do not believe you are a racist, and I agree with you when you commit yourself to the importance of finding common ground, but I also believe…and it’s personal, and I was actually very…it was hurtful to hear you talk about the reputations of two United States Senators who built their reputations and career on the segregation of race in this country, and it was not only that but you also worked with them to oppose busing. There was a little girl in California who was part of the second class to integrate her public schools and she was bussed to school every day, and that little girl was me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: I believe Harris on busing because she clearly just took Biden to school.
COLBERT: And Harris, a very emotional moment.
(APPLAUSE)
BATISTE: Yeah. That was heavy.
COLBERT: And Harris did not let up.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HARRIS: But, Vice President Biden, do you agree today…do you agree today that you were wrong to oppose busing in America then?
BIDEN: No.
HARRIS: Do you agree?
BIDEN: I did not oppose busing in America. What I opposed is busing ordered by the Department of Education. That’s what I opposed.
HARRIS: Well, there was a failure of states to, to integrate public schools in America. I was part of the second class to integrate Berkeley, California public schools almost two decades after Brown v. Board of Education.
BIDEN: Because your city council made that decision. It was a local decision.
HARRIS: So that’s where the federal government must step in.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: I hope they took dental photographs of Biden before this debate because they’re going to need a reference to put his teeth back in.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: Then, then…
(APPLAUSE)
COLBERT: Then Harris turned her fire from Biden to Trump.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HARRIS: The fact that we have a President of the United States who has embraced science fiction over science fact will be to our collective peril.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Well, of course, Trump embraces science fiction…I’m pretty sure his hair was shaved off a Wookie’s ass.
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: And…
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BATISTE: Cold blooded!
COLBERT: And…
(LAUGHTER)
COLBERT: …and Harris spoke of her personal experience with wildfires in California.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HARRIS: I spoke with firefighters who were in the midst of fight ago fire while their own homes were burning.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: And they said to me, now is not a great time, Senator, could we talk a little later?
(APPLAUSE)
(…)
11:52:02 PM
COLBERT: And Kamala Harris summed it all up with her closing statement…
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HARRIS: Thank you all. I just want to leave you with a couple of things.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
COLBERT: Joe Biden’s balls.
(LAUGHTER)
