On a night when NBC's Saturday Night Live began with a reverential tribute to Friday's massacre in Newtown, Connecticut, the writers also had a perverse fascination with female body parts.
After guest host Martin Short mentioned kissing a vagina during his opening monologue, he later played a representative from Buckingham Palace instructing an Ob/Gyn, played by Bill Hader, how to treat and refer to Kate Middleton's vagina during her pregnancy (video follows with transcribed highlights and commentary):
As the sketch began, Hader's assistant told him, "The representative from Buckinham Palace is here."
Short entered, and after introducing himself, congratulated Hader for being selected as the Ob/Gyn for the Duchess of Cambridge.
"It's a great honor," said Hader.
"My role today," Short said, "is to instruct the protocol of dealing with a member of the Royal family."
Hader assured Short that he's met members of the Royal family before. "I'm up to speed."
"Well, you may well know the protocol for having an audience with a Duchess," cautioned Short, "but there is an entirely different set of protocol when one has an audience with the Royal ahem."
"I'm sorry," said a confused Hader. "Are you referring to the vagina?"
"I will mark that down that you said that word once," shouted an angry Short. "Say it again, you'll be deported to Australia."
"Understood," agreed Hader.
"When you meet a Royal face to face," Short continued, "a small head-bow is appropriate. When you meet the Royal ahem, the following is appropriate." Short then said an amazed "Fa" as he mugged to the camera to laughter from the audience.
"I'm not comfortable with that," Hader responded.
"Well I suggest you get comfortable with it," Short replied, "because after the nod, it is proper to address it as 'Milady,' and then greet it with the phrase, 'Fancy meeting you here.'"
"That seems odd," Hader said.
"Well I assure you," countered Short, "that on that day it will seem natural. Now, throughout the examination, it is imperative you say the following words to yourself in the exact order as this: 'This is great. This is so great. This is by far the best one of these I've ever seen. Man oh boy - this is great.'"
"To myself?" asked Hader.
"Yes, but loud enough for the Duchess to hear," Short answered. "That's the secret isn't it when you're speaking in secret?"
"Now, on certain formal occasions," Short continued, "you will find that the Royal ahem will be wearing a hat."
"How does that work?" Hader asked.
"It's a small hat," Short answered. "If it is wearing a hat, you must wait for it to tip its hat before you tip yours."
"Must we call it the Royal ahem?" asked Hader.
"Well, the only other acceptable terms that I know of," Short answered, "is 'The Governess,' 'The Kingmaker,' 'Her Downton Abbey,' 'The Chunnel,' 'Dame Judy Dench,' 'Piccadilly Cervix,' and 'Thomas's English Muffin.'"
"I'll stick with 'The Royal Ahem,'" Hader acquiesced.
"I thought you might," Short replied. "As Royal anatomies goes, hers is pretty simple. Just be thankful you're not dealing with Camilla Parker Bowles." With that, Short started barking like a rabid dog.
"Hers is reachable only by an old drawbridge," Short continued, "and is guarded by a troll who asks you a riddle."
"Yes, I've heard about," Hader responded doing his best to hold in a laugh.
"Do you foresee any occasion whatsoever you would have cause to examine the Royal butthole?" Short then asked.
"Absolutely not," Hader replied. "Just out of curiosity, are there names for the Royal butthole?"
"Church of Taint Andrews," Short replied.
As the sketch came to a close, Fred Armisen walked in dressed up as Queen Elizabeth saying, "I'm here to get my Judy Dench washed."
He then sat on the examination table, hiked up his skirt, and spread his legs. "What are you waiting for?" Armisen asked. "Get in there, will you."
And this is what the folks at SNL thought was acceptable fare Saturday evening.
