Hysterical Satire: 'Global Warming Now World's Most Boring Topic’

July 17th, 2007 5:42 PM

In the wake of the dismal failure of Al Gore’s Live Earth concerts, an Australian journalist has written a deliciously satirical look at anthropogenic global warming.

Published at Australia’s The Age Wednesday, Jim Schembri’s “Global Warming Now World’s Most Boring Topic: Report” offered readers a much-needed chuckle about this issue by presenting results of a study, “conducted by a non-partisan think tank located somewhere between the small township of Tibooburra and the NSW border,” with some truly hysterical conclusions.

Schembri set the joke up wonderfully (emphasis added throughout, h/t NBer Sick-n-Tired):

Global warming and the debate over whether man-made carbon gas emissions are having a detrimental influence on climate change has been ranked as the most boring topic of conversation on earth, according to a new report.

The issue of global warming far out-performed other contenders for the title, such as the production of goat cheese, the musical genius of the artist formerly known as P Diddy and media speculation over the likely outcome of the upcoming federal election.

These topics still tracked strongly, according to the report, but global warming was identified as the topic most likely to prompt people into feigning heart attacks so as to avoid hearing the phrases "procrastination penalty", "precautionary principle" and "peer-reviewed analysis" ever again.

You gotta love it. Fortunately, Schembri was just getting warmed up:

According to the parents in the survey, global warming has now replaced the traditional bedtime story when it comes to putting children to sleep. The study found the topic was also being used instead of water cannon by riot police around the world to disperse crowds.

In a key finding, the survey revealed that the amount of damaging carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere as a result of discussing the global warming issue now exceeds the greenhouse gas emissions of northern China.

Of course, no parody on this issue could possibly exempt the Global Warmingist-in-Chief:

Of those surveyed, 83 per cent said that while they understood both sides of the issue, they did not understand Al Gore.

Participants in the study were asked whether Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth had helped enlighten people to the importance of the global warming issue.

The standard response was that if the issue of global warming is as important and urgent to Gore as he keeps saying every time he is on Letterman, then why didn't he make the movie during the eight years he was vice-president of the United States, the second most powerful position in the world? Why did he wait until his political career was dead?

As many of you are aware, this is actually an issue I have raised since Gore began this campaign. And, it is a question that virtually no media representatives have posed either to themselves or to the soon-to-be-Dr.

Other key findings of this report:

* 89 per cent wanted to know how it was possible for humans to control the climate, given that they have enough trouble forecasting it;

* 96 per cent believe those who use the term "climate change denial" are attempting to equate it with "Holocaust denial";

* 100 per cent of these respondents also believe such people should receive lengthy prison terms for crimes against the English language;

* 79 per cent of the bands that took part in the Live Earth event did so because they feared the planet would be destroyed by global warming before they had a chance to receive free worldwide television exposure;

* 87 per cent only tuned in to watch the lead singer from Sneaky Sound System, who is hot;

* 92 per cent of those same people watched her on mute because they didn't want to hear that song again;

Of all the issues raised in the survey, most common was whether the global warming debate was all just an elaborate ruse designed to sell stuff.

The answer to that question is a resounding “Yes!”

Bravo, Jim. Bravo!