While the adults were investigating the motives of the man responsible for the Las Vegas mass shooting, and other were discussing new regulations of bump stocks, the man-children at NBC’s Saturday Night Live were attacking all gun owners for the acts of one man. “The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong,” announced fake newsman Colin Jost, setting the tone for the bit.
“This shouldn't be a partisan issue,” Jost declared during the Weekend Update skit. “The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you're a crazy cat lady.” In a thinly veiled call for gun confiscation, he joked that “unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that's insane.” Actually, it’s because it’s animal cruelty.
Jost argued that alarms should sound when someone buys too many guns like his bank account does when he spends too much money. “How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it's illegal to own more than six dildos,” he pointed out, as if that was the evidence needed for greater gun control and not for the repeal of the intrusive Texas law.
Fake co-anchor Michael Che then slammed Second Amendment advocates as unbalanced snowflakes and claimed they shouldn’t need more than six bullets:
I mean, why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean who are these delicate snowflakes that we can't just tell: "No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can't hit what's coming for you in six shots, then your ass needs to learn karate. Or use your words."
“I'm sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It's a not true,” Che announced as he rattled off statistics with no cited source. “78 percent of Americans don't even own a gun. And three percent of Americans own 50 percent of all the guns in the country. That's the problem: that whinny three percent the country that needs to feel secure all the time.”
So Che proposed a lewd sort of buyback program that could suit those insecure gun owners. “For every gun, you trade in, we give you one-half-inch of penis enlargement. That's fair. If you trade in ten guns, you get five more inches,” he pitched to the cheers from the lowbrow audience.
“Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he wants Congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA,” he chided as he showed a picture of a briefcase with money hanging out of it. But the joke was on him because the NRA had come out in favor of greater regulation of bump stocks.
According to Che, gun owners were hypocritical for being patriotic and worried about the government. And of course he mocked them as people living in trailers:
Yeah, I noticed that the people who bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people who preach “respect law enforcement, support the troops.” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are going to come and drive their house away.
This just proves how elitists on the coast have nothing but pure disgust for the people living in fly-over-country. And it’s was ultimately why President Trump got elected.
Transcript below:
NBC
Saturday Night Live
October 7, 2017
12:11:43 AM EasternCOLIN JOST: The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn't be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you're a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that's insane.
Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year. And that didn't set off any kind of alert? If I buy $100 worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, "Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud." How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it's illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you own more than six dildos, it's a clear sign you are training for something awful.
MICHAEL CHE: I mean, why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean who are these delicate snowflakes that we can't just tell: "No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can't hit what's coming for you in six shots, then your ass needs to learn karate. Or use your words."
I'm sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It's a not true. 78 percent of Americans don't even own a gun. And three percent of Americans own 50 percent of all the guns in the country. That's the problem, that whinny three percent the country that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buy-back program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one-half-inch of penis enlargement. [ Cheers and applause ] That's fair. If you trade in ten guns, you get five more inches. And if any women want to trade in their guns, don't. Keep your guns. Because you're probably going to need them to fight off all those men in spandex fighting to show off their brand-new penises.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he wants Congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. We have got to do something about the guns this the country. And I know about the Second Amendment. I know you need your guns to protect you from the government.
Yeah, I noticed that the people who bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people who preach “respect law enforcement, support the troops.” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are going to come and drive their house away.
It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, "I love my wife, I trust my wife, but that sneaky bitch is coming for me."
