After President Obama announced that the administration's goal of 7 million ObamaCare enrollees had been met, comedian Stephen Colbert lampooned conservatives who criticized the law and said it would fall short of its goal, on Tuesday night's Colbert Report.
"Folks, tonight we're all happy and I wish I could come to you with some good news, but the worst imaginable thing has happened. Millions of Americans are going to get healthcare," Colbert sarcastically began, framing opponents of the law as opponents of the uninsured. [Video below the break. Audio here.]
He flippantly dismissed valid concerns remaining with the law, namely the number of young enrollees, who has even paid their first premium, and who was previously uninsured.
"Yeah, how many are young? How many have paid? What if their check doesn't clear? What are numbers anyway but artificial constructs? And did you know that these are arabic numerals?! I mean, the 3 is just two Islamic crescent moons stacked on top of each other! The terrorists have won!" Colbert pretended to rant.
And he ended his segment by implying that Republicans won't be able to make the law a key issue come November:
"If voters believe the GOP wants to take away people's health insurance, then Republicans won't be able to take over the Senate in November. And then how will they take away people's health insurance? So folks, to win the mid-terms, this is going to require some straight talk. We conservatives must look the American people in the eye and say – April fool's!"
Below is a transcript of the segment:
THE COLBERT REPORT
4/1/14
STEPHEN COLBERT: Folks, tonight we're all happy and I wish I could come to you with some good news, but the worst imaginable thing has happened. Millions of Americans are going to get healthcare
(Laughter)
(...)
COLBERT: 7.1 million Americans have signed up for Obama care. Now when I go to my doctor's office, there will be 7.1 million people in the waiting room ahead of me.
(Laughter)
COLBERT: And I'm sorry, folks. I'm sorry. The Highlights maze stop being challenging after you've done it about ten times! Folks, they were never supposed to make it to 7 million.
(...)
COLBERT: Apparently folks, this last-minute health-scramble was all thanks to young adults signing up at higher rates. No one could have foreseen that college kids would put something off until the last minute!
(Laughter)
COLBERT: But folks, the more I think about this – I've been giving this some thought. The more I think about this, maybe there's a silver lining here. Yes, the administration hit their goal of 7 million. But is there any way to say they didn't?
FOX NEWS ANCHOR: There's still a lot of key questions unanswered about health care, including who signed up for it. Younger healthy people who will pay for older sicker people? And did everyone who enrolled pay for coverage?
BRETT BAIER, host, Fox News's Special Report: How many didn't have insurance before?
NEIL CAVUTO, host, Fox News's Cavuto: How many are young?
STUART VARNEY, Fox Business host: How many of them have paid?
COLBERT: Yeah, how many are young? How many have paid? What if their check doesn't clear? What are numbers anyway but artificial constructs? And did you know that these are arabic numerals?! I mean, the 3 is just two Islamic crescent moons stacked on top of each other! The terrorists have won!
(Laughter)
(Cheers and applause)
COLBERT: Spooky stuff! Speaking of terrorists – Barack Obama. This man stood in the people's Rose Garden today and made outrageous accusations about Republicans.
BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States: The Affordable Care Act is here to stay.
And those who have based their entire political agenda on repealing it have to explain to the country, why Jeanie should go back to being uninsured?
I got to admit, I don't get it. Why are folks working so hard for people not to have health insurance?
COLBERT: What? What? That's dirty politics! If voters believe the GOP wants to take away people's health insurance, then Republicans won't be able to take over the Senate in November. And then how will they take away people's health insurance? So folks, to win the mid-terms, this is going to require some straight talk. We conservatives must look the American people in the eye and say – April fool's!
(Laughter)
COLBERT: Gotcha! Gotcha!
(Cheers and applause)
COLBERT: Come on! Obviously fighting ObamaCare was a four-year prank! I can't believe you bought it. Why would we be the only western industrialized nation without access to affordable health care?
(Slide whistle)
