On CBS’s Thursday night broadcast of The Late Show, host Stephen Colbert aired a cartoon Christmas special in which Donald Trump, ICE agents, and a pro-Confederate criminal Santa team up to steal presents from all the world’s small children and enslave the North Pole’s elves to build a wall on America’s southern border. At the end of the day, Kris Kringle (as the real Santa Claus) and Robert Mueller are forced to team up to save Christmas by putting Trump in jail after finding proof of Russian collusion.
Colbert introduced the cartoon special by claiming that it would become a “new holiday classic”:
Now, folks, Christmas time is a wonderful time of year, but the holidays can be stressful, especially with Trump as president. And many of our go-to holiday traditions don't accurately reflect the national mood. So with that in mind, the little elves here at The Late Show came up with a Christmas special tailor-made for these trying times. I am proud to present a new holiday classic: "A Very Special Counsel Christmas."
The special itself then began with Kris Kringle’s Santa reading and answering letters to the North Pole, mostly from young kids. However, one of these letters turns out to be an angry missive from President Trump announcing that Santa will be fired for not granting the president’s wish for a wall on the southern border. One of Santa’s elves then rushes in to inform Kringle that he is “all over CNN.” The residents of the North Pole rush to their TVs to watch a live broadcast from the White House:
CNN ANCHOR (WOLF BLITZER): Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, has been fired just days before Christmas. This reporter hopes it does not jeopardize the choo-choo train he asked for this Christmas. We go now, live, to the president.
TRUMP: We need a Santa that puts America first, folks. Other countries are getting presents without paying their fair share. That's why I'm appointing a new acting Santa Claus. Mr. Rick... I forgot his last name, doesn't matter. He's the bearded guy I see at all my rallies. Rick Claus, everybody!
An obese old man wearing a camo MAGA hat and a Confederate battle flag t-shirt then appears next to Trump shouting: “No collusion! MAGA! Hillary’s a lizard lady!” At the North Pole, Santa’s elves begin to scream in panic, but Kringle tries to calm them down by insisting that Trump would surely allow him to run one last Christmas. However, at that very moment, Confederate Santa and assault-rifle toting ICE agents helicopter in to steal all the children’s presents and kidnap all of Santa’s elves. Confederate Santa informs Kringle that they are “going to the border to stop the caravan.”
Some time later, as Kringle sits in his cabin at the North Pole crying about his misfortune, Special Counsel Robert Mueller shows up to comfort Kringle. After briefly reminiscing about their time together in Vietnam [?], Mueller says he wants to get Kringle's job back and go after Trump. Mueller expresses a desire to pore through Santa’s “Naughty & Nice List” to find evidence that would incriminate Trump.
Down at the southern border, Confederate Santa calls Trump to say that the slave elves will complete the wall (made out of children’s Christmas presents) by that night. Confederate Santa proclaims: “[W]e're ready for the big rally tonight. Even George Soros can't stop us now!” In the meantime, the same elf who warned Kringle about Trump’s live broadcast on CNN slips away from the wall construction site.
Back at the North Pole, Mueller and Kringle are reviewing Trump’s past misdeeds, including stealing candy from a child, but Mueller is upset that they still have no “hard evidence of collusion.” Out of the blue, the elf who escaped the southern border wall arrives with a VHS tape labelled “TRUMP PEE PEE TAPE” and announces “I got your evidence of collusion right here!” Explaining that he filmed the tape in a quick flashback, the elf assures Mueller and Kringle that the tape is a sure bet to help take down Trump. Mueller responds by saying: “I wouldn't normally operate this way, but if we're going to save Christmas, we need to leak that tape.”
Back down at the southern border, President Trump is starting a nationally televised event broadcast live at the new wall, but Kringle, Mueller, and the elf have other plans:
TRUMP: We built the wall, and we made the North Pole pay for it, folks.
KRINGLE: On Dasher! Come in, Gumdrop. Are you in position?
ELF #1: You bet, Santa.
KRINGLE: Let's knock 'em right in the ornaments.
TRUMP: And now, without further ado, Rick, will you ado the honors?
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Merry Christmas to all. And to immigrants: Stay out. [Cuts ribbon]
CNN ANCHOR: There you have it. Donald Trump finally completing his wall and… wait, what's this?
TRUMP: Oh, god.
[Trump’s “Pee Pee Tape” begins playing off-screen]
TAPE TRUMP: Hello, I am Donald Trump, and I am hiring prostitutes to pee on this bed.
TRUMP: I really should not have narrated. Hair looks good, though.
TAPE TRUMP: I will later collude with Vladimir Putin to become president. I am guilty. [Continues unintelligibly]
MITCH McCONNELL: [Sitting at home watching TV] I think we can ride this one out.
TRUMP: That's enough! Somebody shut it off!
[Kringle and Mueller ride in on sleigh, knocking down the wall of children’s presents]
KRINGLE: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
TRUMP: Santa… and Robert Mueller? He is real!
MUELLER: Let's give ‘em their Christmas presents, Kringle.
KRINGLE: Hey, Donny, sorry about your wall, but we did get you some matching Christmas pajamas.
[Trump and Confederate Santa are holding orange prison jumpsuits.]
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Oh, man, they must've found the pandas I stole.
After the CNN anchor expresses his joy at the “shocking turn of events,” a newspaper headline appears on screen jubilantly announcing: “SANTA DEFEATS TRUMP: Presents returned to good little boys and girls.”
After the cartoon concluded by suggesting that all the above events were just Mueller’s dream (but that Mueller and Kringle are really friends working to take down Trump), CBS’s broadcast returned to The Late Show’s studio, where Colbert proclaimed (imitating Tiny Tim, of course): “Mueller bless us, every one!”
Of course, in reality, Mueller is not a saint. Back when he was in charge of the FBI after 9/11, Mueller falsely accused and went after two U.S. Army researchers for the infamous anthrax terror attacks (which killed five people in total and hospitalized many other victims). Ultimately, one of the Army researchers won a $6 million settlement from the government due to Mueller’s harassment, but unfortunately, the other man committed suicide under the pressure of endless investigation and accusations. Afterwards, Mueller’s FBI pinned the blame for the anthrax attacks on the dead man despite multiple outside experts concluding that Mueller had gotten the basic facts of his case wrong.
A full transcript of The Late Show’s Christmas special segment follows below:
11:53 PM EST
STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, folks, Christmas time is a wonderful time of year, but the holidays can be stressful, especially with Trump as president. And many of our go-to holiday traditions don't accurately reflect the national mood. So with that in mind, the little elves here at The Late Show came up with a Christmas special tailor-made for these trying times. I am proud to present a new holiday classic: "A Very Special Counsel Christmas."
[Cartoon begins]
♪ ♪ ♪ [Title screen for Christmas special] ♪ ♪ ♪
KRIS KRINGLE (SANTA CLAUS): Ho-ho-ho. Alright, let's finish these letters, then get back to the workshop. And build those toys quick because Amazon’s gonna put us out of business. How do they deliver so fast without going through chimneys?
CHILD’S LETTER #1 (BEATRIX): Dear Santa, why do you have a beard?
KRINGLE: Why, to keep my rosy cheeks warm! Ho-ho-ho! Still got it.
CHILD’S LETTER #2 (SHANE): Dear Santa, why do you wear red?
KRINGLE: Because red is the jolliest color! And in the event of an avalanche, rescuers can find my body in the snow.
DONALD TRUMP’S LETTER: Dear Lyin’ Santa…
KRINGLE: What?
TRUMP: Your [sic] fired. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump.
P.S. Why didn't I get my border wall last year?
ELF #1 (GUMDROP): Santa, come quick! You're all over CNN!
CNN ANCHOR (WOLF BLITZER): Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, has been fired just days before Christmas. This reporter hopes it does not jeopardize the choo-choo train he asked for this Christmas. We go now, live, to the president.
TRUMP: We need a Santa that puts America first, folks. Other countries are getting presents without paying their fair share. That's why I'm appointing a new acting Santa Claus. Mr. Rick... I forgot his last name, doesn't matter. He's the bearded guy I see at all my rallies. Rick Claus, everybody!
CONFEDERATE SANTA (RICK CLAUS): No collusion! MAGA! Hillary’s a lizard lady!
[Panicked screaming from crowd of elves]
KRINGLE: Just hold on! This is against the constitution. Aha. Article Five: A duly appointed Santa Claus, confirmed by the Senate, cannot be discharged of his duties... unless the President wants to.
[Disappointed sighs from crowd]
Okay, okay, but surely they'll let me finish up one last Christmas.
[Helicopters advance on Santa’s HQ]
Oh, f-(bleep).
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Hello, munchkins!
ELF #2: We're elves, you bigot!
CONFEDERATE SANTA: I come in peace. That's what we call this helicopter. [Helicopter doors opens to reveal armed ICE agents.] You've all been reassigned. [Gun cocks] We're going to the border to stop the caravan.
ELF #1: Aah, get your jingling mittens off me!
KRINGLE: Gumdrop! Muffet! Legolas! Tony! God damn you, Rick!
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Stand down, Kringle. MAGA Christmas! Go-go-go!
KRINGLE: That's ho-ho-ho!
[Some time later…]
KRINGLE: [Singing sadly] ♪ You better not pout. You better not cry. [Crying]
[Knocking; Kringle goes to front door]
Huh? Mueller?
ROBERT MUELLER: Kringle.
KRINGLE: What in the chestnuts are you doing here?
MUELLER: I came as soon as I heard. You're not back on the milk, are you?
KRINGLE: I... I've got it under control.
MUELLER: Come here, buddy. It's been a long time, Kris.
KRINGLE: Yeah, since 'nam.
MUELLER: You saved my ass back then.
KRINGLE: I love the smell of nutmeg in the morning. Smells like...
MUELLER and KRINGLE: Victory.
MUELLER: Well, I'd like to return the favor. I'm here to get your job back.
KRINGLE: Thanks, Bobby, but he's the president. What can we do?
MUELLER: We can throw the book at him. That book! [Points at “Naughty & Nice List” book]
[Cuts to the southern border]
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Build that wall! Yep, right on schedule, President T. Look, we're ready for the big rally tonight. Even George Soros can't stop us now!
[Elf #1 looks angrily at Confederate Santa, then slips away]
[Back to the North Pole]
MUELLER: Hmm, these are all bad.
KRINGLE: Yeah, he stole little Timmy's lollipop in second grade.
MUELLER: I'm sorry, Kringle, but we need hard evidence of collusion.
ELF #1: Yo-ho! I got your evidence of collusion right here! [Holds up VHS tape]
MUELLER and KRINGLE: The pee-pee tape?
MUELLER: But how?
ELF #1: Santa, remember when I was stationed as an elf on the shelf in Moscow?
KRINGLE: Of course.
ELF #1: Well...
[Cuts to Elf #1 filming Trump and Russian prostitutes in Moscow hotel room]
Oh, disgusting! Not the pillow, not the pillow!
[Back to main story]
This nails him, fellas. Believe me, ugh.
KRINGLE: So, Bob, what do you say?
MUELLER: I wouldn't normally operate this way, but if we're going to save Christmas, we need to leak that tape.
KRINGLE: [Chuckles] Leak.
CNN ANCHOR: Welcome to our continuing live coverage of President Trump's Operation Feliz Navi- Don't where Rick Claus has constructed a wall built out of presents meant for all the good little boys and girls. Still no word on my choo-choo train.
TRUMP: We built the wall, and we made the North Pole pay for it, folks.
KRINGLE: On Dasher! Come in, Gumdrop. Are you in position?
ELF #1: You bet, Santa.
KRINGLE: Let's knock 'em right in the ornaments.
TRUMP: And now, without further ado, Rick, will you ado the honors?
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Merry Christmas to all. And to immigrants: Stay out. [Cuts ribbon]
CNN ANCHOR: There you have it. Donald Trump finally completing his wall and… wait, what's this?
TRUMP: Oh, god.
[Trump’s “Pee Pee Tape” begins playing off-screen]
TAPE TRUMP: Hello, I am Donald Trump, and I am hiring prostitutes to pee on this bed.
TRUMP: I really should not have narrated. Hair looks good, though.
TAPE TRUMP: I will later collude with Vladimir Putin to become president. I am guilty. [Continues unintelligibly]
MITCH MCCONNEL: [Sitting at home watching TV] I think we can ride this one out.
TRUMP: That's enough! Somebody shut it off!
[Kringle and Mueller ride in on sleigh, knocking down the wall of children’s presents]
KRINGLE: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
TRUMP: Santa… and Robert Mueller? He is real!
MUELLER: Let's give ‘em their Christmas presents, Kringle.
KRINGLE: Hey, Donny, sorry about your wall, but we did get you some matching Christmas pajamas.
[Trump and Confederate Santa are holding orange prison jumpsuits.]
CONFEDERATE SANTA: Oh, man, they must've found the pandas I stole.
CNN ANCHOR: What a shocking turn of events. I… my choo-choo train. Breaking news: My heart is bursting with joy. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good… Anderson?
♪ ♪ ♪
[Newspaper headline reads: “SANTA DEFEATS TRUMP: Presents returned to good little boys and girls”]
[Mueller wakes up in bed]
MUELLER: Ah, it was all just a dream. Of course it was, Bob. [Bells jingling] Huh?
KRINGLE’S VOICE: Dear Bob, something to help you write the most important naughty list of all. Kris.
MUELLER: Son of an elf.
KRINGLE’S VOICE: P.S. Heh-heh, leak. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
KRINGLE and ELVES: Hallelujah!
[Cheers and applause]
[Cartoon ends, back to The Late Show studio]
COLBERT: Mueller bless us, every one! Special thanks to the folks over at "Our Cartoon President" who helped with the animation. Go get their first season DVD now!
