Monday provided the late night comedians their first opportunity to react to the Wall Street Journal’s reporting that the Department of Energy has concluded that the COVID-19 pandemic began as a lab leak. Of those who covered the story, most dismissed it due to the DOE having “low confidence” in its conclusion.
CBS’s Stephen Colbert was the most dismissive of the report. The Late Show host, having not learned from his interview of Jon Stewart, wondered why the DOE gets to voice an opinion:
Now, if like me, you're wondering why the Department of Energy is the one making this judgement, it's because that agency oversees a network of U.S. national laboratories, some of which conduct advanced biological research. No. No! Bad Energy Department. No bio labs until you finish building your electric car charging stations!
Stay in your lane! You don't see... You don't see... You don't see... You don’t see the Census Bureau building nukes. But whatever. Who am I to say? They are the Energy Department, I'm sure they're smart. They wouldn't release these findings unless they were absolutely confident -- what's that? They made their judgment with "low confidence.
Trying to minimize the report, Colbert continued, “Yeah, you could tell by the way they delivered the news. ‘Um, maybe it was a lab leak? That's stupid. Forget I said anything.’ Now, it turns out, no matter what the Energy Department says, not everyone in the government agrees.”
Elaborating, Colbert explained that, “You see, while the Department of Energy suspects it was a lab leak, four other agencies, along with a national intelligence panel, still judge that the pandemic was likely the result of a natural transmission, and the CIA remains undecided.”
Colbert omitted that the natural transmission theorists in the government also have “low confidence” while the FBI, which subscribes to the lab leak hypothesis, posses “moderate confidence.”
Over at Comedy Central, Hasan Minhaj kicked off his time as temp host of The Daily Show by lamenting that “even though they had low confidence, the Department of Energy came out and said COVID was a lab leak and now every [bleep] idiot I went to high school with is like ‘Apologize to me right now, Hasan, I told you I was right and if your hand is bigger than your face, you-re gay!’”
Mocking what he considers to be faux-expertise from people citing DOE’s conclusion, Minhaj added:
Hey, what's your second favorite report from the Department of Energy?... But here's the key detail everybody's forgetting while they got the Twitter fingers. The Energy Department is one of nine intelligence groups that have assessed COVID’s origin. Two have said lab leak, five say it came out of natural causes, and two say they don't know. And you know what? I personally side with them. I don't know what the [bleep] is going on. FBI says this, NIC says that, I am holding out until the DMV chimes in.
While Minhaj did manage to go on to mock certain wet market theorists for claiming their hypothesis is less racist than the lab leakers’, he did repeat the same error Colbert made when discussing the “low confidence” assessment.
Meanwhile, on NBC’s The Tonight Show, host Jimmy Fallon didn’t bring up other agencies, but did wonder what the whole point is, “Yep, they think COVID started in a lab, but said, they only have low confidence in the report. “Low confidence," which is just one notch above, "We have no freaking idea.” I mean, low confidence, that's like me saying, ‘I think I can bench 3,000 pounds, but I have low confidence.’ Why say it?”
Because certainty is almost impossible as long as the Communist Party remains in power in China, but the momentum is clearly on the side of the lab leak hypothesis.
The Late Show was sponsored by Progressive, The Daily Show by Hyundai, and The Tonight Show by Comcast.
Here are transcripts for the February 27 shows:
CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
2/27/2023
11:38 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, here's another surprising development this weekend: the Department of Energy released a new report saying, a lab leak is the most likely origin of the COVID-19 pandemic. Well, there it is! Chinese wet markets, you're off the hook. Let's order a round of pangolin poppers for the table! I love a nice plate of wet apps!
Now, if you’re a -- can we get some civet fingers. Now, if like me, you're wondering why the Department of Energy is the one making this judgement, it's because that agency oversees a network of U.S. national laboratories, some of which conduct advanced biological research. No. No! Bad Energy Department. No bio labs until you finish building your electric car charging stations!
Stay in your lane! You don't see... You don't see... You don't see... You don’t see the Census Bureau building nukes. But whatever. Who am I to say? They are the Energy Department, I'm sure they're smart. They wouldn't release these findings unless they were absolutely confident -- what's that?
They made their judgment with "low confidence." Yeah, you could tell by the way they delivered the news. "Um, maybe it was a lab leak? That's stupid. Forget I said anything." Now, it turns out, no matter what the Energy Department says, not everyone in the government agrees.
You see, while the Department of Energy suspects it was a lab leak, four other agencies, along with a national intelligence panel, still judge that the pandemic was likely the result of a natural transmission, and the CIA remains undecided. In fact, the CIA issued the following statement. "Which virus? No, that one wasn't us."
***
Comedy Central The Daily Show
2/27/2023
11:04 PM ET
HASAN MINHAJ: Now, even though they had low confidence, the Department of Energy came out and said COVID was a lab leak and now every [bleep] idiot I went to high school with is like "Apologize to me right now, Hasan, I told you I was right and if your hand is bigger than your face, you-re gay!" Now, to everybody touchdown dancing about this, how long have you been rocking with the Department of Energy? Oh, you've been [bleep] with them since day one?
Hey, what's your second favorite report from the Department of Energy? Now, personally, I love their report on "walk-in freezers and coolers," but hey, that's just me. Because I'm a real one. But here's the key detail everybody's forgetting while they got the Twitter fingers.
The Energy Department is one of nine intelligence groups that have assessed COVID’s origin. Two have said lab leak, five say it came out of natural causes, and two say they don't know. And you know what? I personally side with them. I don't know what the [bleep] is going on. FBI says this, NIC says that, I am holding out until the DMV chimes in.
Okay? All right? Now here's the thing I'm wondering, okay, why did this whole "Lab versus wet market thing become the Yankees verse Red Sox of the culture war in the first place? And to me, I think it's because when some people started saying it came from a lab, other people were like, "Hey, you can't say the Chinese are trying to poison everybody on planet Earth, that’s racist! You should say COVID came from a wet market where Chinese people eat weird animals." But that sounds way more racist! And I say this as a kid who had to eat weird ethnic food in the lunchroom.
***
NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
2/27/2023
11:39 PM ET
JIMMY FALLON: Well, people are talking about this the U.S. Energy Department just released a new report that said the COVID pandemic might have started by a Chinese lab leak. Americans heard and were like, "Hey, thanks for that three years too late information." Any Game of Thrones spoilers. Yep, they think COVID started in a lab, but said, they only have low confidence in the report. “Low confidence," which is just one notch above, "We have no freaking idea.” I mean, low confidence, that's like me saying, ‘I think I can bench 3,000 pounds, but I have low confidence.’ Why say it?
