Judge Kahtryn Mizelle striking down the public transportation mask mandate earned her the ire of The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert on CBS Tuesday night, who used his lack of legal credentials to attack her as a “dummy” who is “not qualified” for her job.
Showing a complete ignorance of the science of high quality air filtration on planes, Colbert lamented, “last night out of the blue a federal judge struck down the mask mandate for planes and public transport which is great news for anyone who ever rode public transport and said this is way to sanitary.”
Colbert also took issue with the idea that Mizelle is based in Florida, “Now, no surprise the ruling comes from a Tampa-based federal judge. You can’t let Florida make health decisions for the entire country! The Florida, that’s not smart, the Florida food pyramid is just gator jerky and meth!”
Attacking Mizelle’s ruling, Colbert continued, “The judge, sure, the judge clarified her ruling, explaining ‘wearing a mask cleans nothing. At most, it traps virus droplets.’ That’s the mask’s job, you dummy, so my droplets don’t get on you, that’s like saying ‘this diaper is useless, I put one on my baby it fills up with poop. That’s not doing anything.’”
After sarcastically calling her a “genius,” Colbert attacked the woman, who graduated law school summa cum laude, over her age, “a 35-year old appointed by the former president after he lost the 2020 election” and her qualifications, “At the time Mizelle received a 'not qualified' rating from the American Bar Association and had never tried a criminal or civil case.”
Unrelated to his attacks on Mizelle, The Late Show censored Donald Trump’s name from the Tampa Bay Times article they were referencing as if it was an expletive.
Colbert was not done attacking Mizelle’s intelligence as he then suggested she doesn’t know what a gavel is, ‘You do not want a judge with zero cases under her belt. ‘Uh, counsel will approach the bench and explain to me what this tiny wooden hammer is for. Am I supposed to tenderize the jury?’”
Later in his monologue, Colbert attacked the airlines that announced the mandate and been repealed. Imitating a pilot speaking on the intercom system, he announced:
This is your captain speaking, congrats, the mask mandate has been repealed. While we’re at it, I’ve turned off the seat belt sign, disabled the laboratory smoke detector, and we’re hosting a knife fight in the cockpit. Cabin door is closed is, is locked, there’s no escape, enjoy The Hunger Games, may the odds forever be in your favor.
Returning to his normal voice, Colbert decried the mandate’s repeal as unfair, “it’s unfair for people who might be immunocompromised or flying with unvaxxed kids to change the rules mid-flight. That’s like being told halfway through a dinner party that it’s an orgy. I wasn’t prepared for any orgy. I’m all filled up on dinner rolls and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.”
What is really unfair is that we now have to think of Colbert’s choice of underwear. TMI, Stephen.
This segment was sponsored by Applebee’s.
Here is a transcript for the April 19 show:
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
4/19/2022
11:38 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: I’m sure — I’m sure like all of you in here and watching out there I’ve always hoped to live to see the end of the COVID safety precautions. We all get to burn our masks at a bonfire and do something crazy like make out or eat free grocery store samples. But, it turns out that’s not how pandemics end, not with a bang, but with a court order ‘cause last night out of the blue a federal judge struck down the mask mandate for planes and public transport which is great news for anyone who ever rode public transport and said this is way to sanitary.
Now, no surprise the ruling comes from a Tampa-based federal judge. You can’t let Florida make health decisions for the entire country! The Florida, that’s not smart, the Florida food pyramid is just gator jerky and meth! This judge — this judge claimed that the CDC exceeded their legal authority by requiring masks and that “their power was limited to things like cleaning property – not requiring people to take hygienic steps.”
Yes, you cannot force people to follow basic hygiene, you can only make them clean property, explains the new bathroom sign “before returning to work, employees must wash this sign.” The judge, sure, the judge clarified her ruling, explaining “wearing a mask cleans nothing. At most, it traps virus droplets.” That’s the mask’s job, you dummy, so my droplets don’t get on you, that’s like saying “this diaper is useless, I put one on my baby it fills up with poop. That’s not doing anything.”
The genius jurist behind the ruling is Judge Kathryn Mizelle, a 35-year old appointed by the former president after he lost the 2020 election. At the time Mizelle received a “not qualified” rating from the American Bar Association and had never tried a criminal or civil case. You do not want a judge with zero cases under her belt. “Uh, counsel will approach the bench and explain to me what this tiny wooden hammer is for. Am I supposed to tenderize the jury?”
Immediately after the ruling all major air carriers including American Airlines, Delta Air Lines, United Airlines relaxed their masking restrictions effective immediately which these passengers found out about mid-flight.
PILOT: It’s over immediately. Congratulations.
PASSENGERS: [Applause]
COLBERT: Congratulations is an odd way to announce the lifting of a safety measure. [INTERCOM VOICE] This is your captain speaking, congrats, the mask mandate has been repealed. While we’re at it, I’ve turned off the seat belt sign, disabled the laboratory smoke detector, and we’re hosting a knife fight in the cockpit. Cabin door is closed is, is locked, there’s no escape, enjoy The Hunger Games, may the odds forever be in your favor.
[NORMAL VOICE] Now, people — people — people “Celebrate good times. We’ll all celebrate and” — look people, people can take this news however they want, but it’s unfair for people who might be immunocompromised or flying with unvaxxed kids to change the rules mid-flight. That’s like being told halfway through a dinner party that it’s an orgy. I wasn’t prepared for any orgy. I’m all filled up on dinner rolls and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.
