‘Family Guy’ Christmas: ‘The 2000 Year-Old Virgin’

December 8th, 2014 12:59 PM

Reminder to Christians: Seth McFarlane hates you. Merry Christmas! 

McFarlane, the liberal atheist behind “Family Guy,” seems to be feeling especially spiteful this Christmas, going above and beyond the usual sacrilege.

The fall finale which aired Dec. 7 on Fox, was titled “The 2000 Year-Old Virgin.” In the episode Peter and his wife Lois find Jesus at the mall; still in Quahog because Jesus and His father God don’t get along. Jesus tells Peter he “can’t deal with [His] family during the holiday.” Besides, even if Jesus did get along with God they couldn’t spend the holiday together anyway because “[His] Dad always spends Christmas at his time share … with His girlfriend.” (God appears in a scene on vacation with his scantily clad girlfriend mocking an adult handicapped child whose parents sarcastically thank him for the “test” God gave them.)

Since Jesus is alone for the holiday Peter invites Jesus to get a beer with his friends where they decide to throw Jesus a birthday party- Christmas being Jesus’ birthday is the only piece of truth in the episode. While discussing the party it is discovered that Jesus knows nothing about sex and is, [GASP’ a 2000 year-old virgin! The guys only come to this realization because Jesus is depicted as ignorant when it comes to sex. When asked what kind of women Jesus likes He answers, “hot ladies, horny ones who … sex on you … yeah you know they come over to your house and sit on your…butt.”

Peter then makes it his mission to get Jesus laid for his birthday to end his 2000-year dry spell. Peter and bumbling idiot Jesus strike out in several attempts. Jesus eventually falls for Peter’s wife Lois, offering Peter the expensive massage chair he’d been wanting at the mall in exchange for letting him sleep with Lois, who agrees.

Peter comes to his senses and stops the “couple” before they can do the deed. Still it isn’t enough by half after an episode that takes so many shots at Christianity and the Christmas story it can’t even be counted on one hand.

“Family Guy” is known for constantly crossing the lines with vulgarity and blasphemy but thus far this latest “Christmas” episode takes the cake for most blasphemous and vulgar. Other lows include turning the “Wizard of Oz” classic and making it about Canadian nudie bars, degrading Meg as “an ugly girl” who “deserves whatever [she] gets,” and makes a mockery of Down syndrome.