I wish this were what it reads like: the long torturous setup for a blow-up doll joke. Alas, it’s just another boy-meets-balloons love story.
The New York Post, via Jam Press, brings us the touching tale of Aakash Majumdar, a 28-year old resident of Mumbai, India. Aakash is “objectum sexual,” meaning he is sexually attracted to inanimate objects. It could be a toaster, a mailbox or a pneumatic impact wrench. (A woman famously married the Eiffel Tower. Before she became Mrs. Eiffel, she dated a fighter jet and had a passionate fling with a compound bow – Cupid has a mischievous sense of humor.)
Aakash’s current squeeze is a colorful group of balloons. Just, ya know, party balloons. And things are pretty serious:
”I like their presence and warmth, and share intimate feelings with my balloons and vice versa,” Majumdar told NeedToKnow.Online. “When you’re in love, you spend a lot of time together and accept all kinds of flaws.”
Indeed, you probably find it hard to say good night:
Majumdar also revealed that his balloons share his bed and that they have a physical relationship, according to Jam Press.
“Every morning, I wake up by saying ‘good morning’ and giving a kiss to my balloons that sleep beside me, and vice versa,” he said. “I make out with my balloons.”
Sounds (static) electric.
Aakash doesn’t go anywhere without them. “I can talk to them, take them shopping and for a walk in the garden,” he told NeedToKnow.Online. “[The balloons] should have the freedom and the chance to see the world, and that is the reason why I walk with them everywhere.”
Aye, but there’s the rub. “[The balloons] are just as fragile as a human baby,” he said. “I need to protect him from all danger … From sharp objects, changes in temperature to suffocation.”
And a word to the wise, Aakash: keep them out of U.S. airspace. Joe Biden’s overcompensating for a national security embarrassment, and he’s liable to scramble the F22s on your darlings.
