Far-Left Late-Night Comics: Colorado Kicking Trump Off 2024 Race Is a SLAM DUNK!

December 21st, 2023 5:25 PM

On Wednesday night and overnight into Thursday, the three liberal network comedians working this week — CBS’s Late Show host Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon of NBC’s Tonight Show, and Seth Meyers of NBC’s Late Night — were bursting at the seams in excitement (as were their audiences) at Tuesday’s decision by the Colorado Supreme Court to throw Donald Trump off the 2024 GOP primary ballot over his actions on January 6.

“You can feel it in the air, folks. There are just five days until Christmas. But Santa came early last night when the Colorado Supreme Court ruled that Donald Trump is disqualified from holding office,” Colbert began as his audience burst into massive cheers and applause.



After thanking Colorado, he joked this “show[ed] you can make good decisions when you’re high” and they certainly had “munchies for justice.”

“Can you imagine how mad Donald Trump must have been when he heard the news. Oh — oh to be a ketchup stain on his wall. Mmm mmm mmm,” he added.

After quoting the 14th Amendment — the alleged basis for Colorado’s ruling — arguing Trump supporters are Confederates, he argued this case was “a gimme” since “Trump denied the results of the Electoral College, summoned a huge group to Washington, and told them to march to the Capitol to stop the count” and “[e]veryone knows” it.

Colbert made sure to take a few digs at Fox News, saying the network had “their lubricated catheters in a twist over this”

On the narrative that removing Trump from the 2024 election would be anti-democratic, Colbert argued that “removing the guy who tried to overthrow a democratic election is actually pro-democratic”.

Colbert even had a side monologue smearing U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, implying he’ll be bribed to overturn the Colorado decision (click “expand”):

And let’s — let us not forget, there’s also Clarence Thomas — [BOOS] [LAUGHTER] Exactly. [LAUGHTER] — who’s been in the news a lot this year for all the free stuff he’s hiding under his robe. According to ProPublica, conservative billionaires have given him free trips on their jets, luxury vacations. One guy “bought his mom’s house,” but “she still lives there.” Now, they’ve unearthed Thomas’s graft origin story. See, it goes back to the year 2000 when Thomas was speaking at something called Awakening, a “conservative thought weekend.” Always nice to spend the weekend learning a new skill. [LAUGHTER] Guests — guests at “Awakening” enjoyed “golf, shooting lessons, and aromatherapy,” which is why their mascot is Shooter, the Golfing Bullet Who Smells Like Sandalwood. Now, on the plane ride home from the “Awakening” weekend, evidently, “Thomas...hinted to a GOP lawmaker that he’d quit if he didn’t get a pay raise.” Now, keep in mind that, at the time, Thomas’s salary was “$173,600, equivalent to over $300,000 today.”

Now, that sounds like it should be enough to live on — [LAUGHTER] — Congress never gave Thomas or the other justices the raise that he was asking for. But, after Thomas’s threat, suddenly, rich conservatives suddenly became very generous to him. And, in the years since, Thomas has “accepted a stream of gifts from friends and acquaintances”, including “private school tuition” and “tires.” [LAUGHTER] Tires? I gotta say. Tires is a weirdly awkward bribe. “Ahh, Francosis, I know you said you don’t have any open tables on the patio tonight, but have you met my friend, Mr. Goodyear. There’s three more where that came from.” [LAUGHTER]

Fallon all but copied Colbert: “Well, everyone, it is the holiday season, Christmas is almost here and people are already returning gifts. In fact, last night, Colorado returned Donald Trump.”

And, just like Colbert, his audience burst into raucous cheers and applause.

Fallon even made his own marijuana joke: “You got to give it up for Colorado, they’re the first state to legalize weed and illegalize Trump. Yeah, they — they banned him from the ballot.”

Fallon also poked fun at Trump’s intelligence: “[B]efore last night, Trump thought the Insurrection Clause was one of those Tim Allen movies on Disney+.”

There was more sharing of talking points as Fallon went after Thomas (click “expand”): 

FALLON: But Trump has already vowed to appeal the decision with the U.S. Supreme Court so that he can remain on the ballot and, of course, the justices are already being asked about the case here’s what they said. First up, Chief Justice John Roberts said, “this is an important case that we take very seriously.” Then, Justice Elena Kagan said, “we’ll consider the evidence and make a fair ruling.” Then Justice Clarence Thomas said, “hmm, pretty sure I already know my decision.” [LAUGHTER] Then, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson said, “this has major political impact we don’t take lightly.” And Justice Clarence Thomas said, “of course, every decision comes with a price, and you know the wife and I love to travel #yachtlife.” [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Then — then — then Justice Neil Gorsuch said, “We will be fair and just.” And finally, Justice Clarence Thomas said, “so if you want a favorable ruling, just call me.”

RIHANNA: Bitch better have my money

FALLON: “Yello, Clarence speaking.” [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 

Going finally to Meyers, he did his usual shtick of sounding more like an MSNBC pundit instead of someone paid to crack jokes.

He predictably deployed the Trump supporters-Confederates comparison:

[A]fter the Civil War, Congress ratified the section of the 14th Amendment in order to keep secessionists...out of government...[M]uch like Trump supporters today, southern states were just immediately sending unrepentant secessionists back to Congress like nothing had happened.

Quoting a liberal historian arguing former Confederates were “completely unrepentant” in sending their own to Congress, Meyers quipped those “who seceded and fought a deadly war that tore the country apart tried to act like nothing happened...pulled a George Costanza trying to show up to work after he quit.”

Meyers hit his stride as he sarcastically wondered if there’s anyone who’s done that since before stating that the 14th Amendment was tailor-made for Trump and “I don’t think anyone can reasonably dispute” Colorado has a slam dunk case (click “expand”):

Now, I know I’m really stretching the imagination here, but let’s just think for a second. An unrepentant insurrectionist who tried to overthrow American democracy lost, and is trying to weasel his way back into power like nothing happened. Does that sound like anyone we know? [LAUGHTER] The only way this amendment could apply any more directly to Donald Trump is if it said, “no person shall hold any office who, having previously taken an oath to support the Constitution of the United States shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, including any flamboyant. land-owning weirdos whose ties are too long and won’t stop complaining about toilets that don’t flush and windmills killing birds.” [LAUGHTER] I don’t think anyone can reasonably dispute the fact that Donald Trump is an insurrectionist as defined by the plain text of the amendment. As Pulitzer Prize-winning Civil War historian Eric Foner explained, Trump “took an oath to support the Constitution, and now he’s giving aid to insurrection and that is the kind of thing that people wrote the 14th Amendment were trying to avoid. Even though it has only been used a handful of times in American history, it’s there.” Exactly. This section of the 14th Amendment is the kind of thing you rarely use, but it’s there in case you need it. Like a fire extinguisher, or Paramount+.

To see the relevant transcripts, click here (for CBS’s The Late Show), here (for NBC’s The Tonight Show), and here (for NBC’s Late Night).