After tying a large noose while calling Senator Ted Cruz a “fish-faced, horses*** salesman,” new TBS host Samantha Bee proclaimed fellow GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s pro-life stance in Saturday’s debate was “literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard” and backed by a “cabal of fetus fanatics.”
Bee also urged Rubio to continue telling supporters that Hillary Clinton believes in late-term abortions so women can “deliver our babies directly” into a glorified blender “so that Planned Parenthood can sell it to Whole Foods.”
Bee arrived at the smearing of Rubio and pro-lifers by first mocking the botched introduction of Saturday’s ABC debate and how some of the candidates (excluding Rubio) failed in completing “a task routinely mastered by laboratory mice and frightened 4-year-olds on Toddlers and Tiaras.”
Following a quick swipe at “[s]enescent caps lock button Donald Trump,” Bee circled back to her primary target in Rubio and hyped that despite him “wearing his likely nominee crown...it took Chris Christie 10 seconds to crush him like a bug.”
Bee played clips of the now-infamous exchange between the pair and compared it to the scene from The Revenent where a bear viciously attacked Leonardo DiCaprio’s character. She added that she reckoned “Rubio wishes he left his kids at home tonight.”
Commenting on his downtrodden wife and children as Rubio went about his evening, Bee told them to “cheer up” because “Daddy is coming home soon, it's okay.”
The former Daily Show mainstay pivoted to abortion with this clip of Rubio decrying the liberal media’s coverage of the issue: “Why doesn’t the media ask Hillary Clinton why she believes all abortions should be legal? Even on the due date of the unborn child?”
A visibly shocked Bee reached her so-called punchline by viciously bashing Rubio’s comment and describing conservatives stereotyping liberals as wanting babies aborted via a blender:
That is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Removing a baby on the due date isn’t an abortion. It’s called a cesarean. But, you know what? That’s fine. Keep telling your cabal of fetus fanatics that Hillary Clinton wants us to carry term and then deliver our babies directly into a vitamix so that Planned Parenthood can sell it to Whole Foods.
The segment that will have liberals applauding Bee’s first show ended with Rubio declaring in the debate that he “would rather lose an election than be wrong on the issue of life” to which Bee joked: “Congratulations. Tonight, you did both. Bye-bye.”
The relevant portions of the transcript from TBS’s Full Frontal with Samantha Bee on February 8 can be found below.
TBS’s Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
February 8, 2016
10:38 p.m. Eastern
SAMANTHA BEE: Saturday's Republican debate went off the rails at about the negative one-minute mark when 43 percent of Republican candidates failed the important presidential test, can you walk successfully to a podium? A task routinely mastered by laboratory mice and frightened 4-year-olds on Toddlers and Tiaras.
DAVID MUIR: Ladies and gentlemen, the Republican candidates.
BEE: There's three empty podiums! Look, even if one is for Elijah, there's still two empty podiums and that was just the first domino in a cascade of fail. Senescent caps lock button Donald Trump forgot to bring his nouns to the debate.
DONALD TRUMP: Tremendous has been just sucked out of our country by China. We have to have a temporary something because there's something going on that's not good.
BEE: Tremendous something front-runner good not suck and Rubio oh, Rubio. He showed up at the debate although wearing his likely nominee crown and it took Chris Christie 10 seconds to crush him like a bug.
REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE (N.J.): You have not been involved in a consequential decision where you had to be held accountable. You simply haven't. That's not leadership. That truancy.
REPUBLICAN SENATOR MARCO RUBIO (Fl.): Let's dispel with this fiction Barack Obama doesn't know what he is doing.
CHRISTIE: That's what Washington, D.C. does. [SCREEN WIPE] Memorize a 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.
RUBIO: This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true.
CHRISTIE: There it is.
BEE: Whoops. That was a bit painful. Can we watch the quicker version?
[SCREEN WITH LEONARD DICAPRIO AND BEAR ON THE REVENENT]
BEE: Oh, I bet that Rubio wishes he left his kids at home tonight.
RUBIO: Let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing.
BEE: Oh, guys, cheer up. Daddy is coming home soon. It's okay. Okay. Marco, you're rattled. Just keep your head down. Oh, no. Oh my God, no. He's talking again. Oh, no.
RUBIO: Why doesn’t the media ask Hillary Clinton why she believes all abortions should be legal? Even on the due date of the unborn child?
BEE: Okay. That is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Removing a baby on the due date isn’t an abortion. It’s called a cesarean. But, you know what? That’s fine. Keep telling your cabal of fetus fanatics that Hillary Clinton wants us to carry term and then deliver our babies directly into a vitamix so that Planned Parenthood can sell it to Whole Foods.
RUBIO: I would rather lose an election than be wrong on the issue of life.
BEE: Congratulations. Tonight you did both. Bye-bye.
