NBC Late Night host Seth Meyers, trying to compensate for his lack of comedic talent, spent his late Thursday show parading around his potty mouth, instead.
Meyers let his hatred for conservatives flow from the very beginning:
The modern conservative movement seems concerned above all else with preserving their solemn right to be dicks to everyone else around them. They like to say, facts don't care about your feelings, until you hurt their feelings by politely asking them to wear a mask or stop using racist slurs and then they melt down like they're being hobbled by Kathy Bates.
Meyers' first target was Sen. Ted Cruz, who he slimed as "the guy who has to work the stockroom at Auto Zone because he's too creepy for the register."
Cruz, who has been vaccinated against COVID-19, refused to wear a mask when talking to reporters after they said it would make them more comfortable, which led Meyers to rage:
[T]here's been some early, preliminary proof that the vaccines help stop the spread of COVID, we just still don't know for sure, especially with the rise of several more contagious variants. So if you're a decent, normal person, and someone politely asks you to wear a mask in their company, you do it Ted Cruz, however, took it as yet another opportunity to be a giant [ bleep ].
This on the same day that President Biden also gave a maskless press conference. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki has also said she doesn't need a mask during press conferences, but neither received Meyers' scorn.
Yet Meyers still claimed, "Ted Cruz is the Steph Curry of being a giant dick. He never misses a shot he's the kind of guy who would come over to your house for a dinner party, and when you politely ask him to take his feet off the table would say, 'You're welcome to leave if you like.'"
He further alleged Cruz "couldn't care less if anyone else in the room got sick."
As part of his over ten-minute-long rant, Meyers also called Sen. Rand Paul "such a dick" for his exchange with Dr. Fauci on the necessity of masks after vaccination. Additional targets included Fox's Peter Doocy for being dismayed he didn't get to ask Biden a question during Thursday's press conference, Republicans generally for being racist vote suppressors, and even the mainstream media for supposedly repeating "GOP talking points by making it sound like there's a political crisis or national security crisis on the border or that Biden created it out of thin air."
This segment was sponsored by TurboTax.
Here is a transcript for the March 26 show:
NBC
Late Night with Seth Meyers
12:41 AM ET
SETH MEYERS: The modern conservative movement seems concerned above all else with preserving their solemn right to be dicks to everyone else around them. They like to say, facts don't care about your feelings, until you hurt their feelings by politely asking them to wear a mask or stop using racist slurs and then they melt down like they're being hobbled by Kathy Bates. Case in point, yesterday, a reporter politely asked Ted Cruz to wear a mask during a press conference inside the capitol. Now, remember that Cruz had the option to get vaccinated early, because he's technically a senator, even though he looks like the guy who has to work the stockroom at Auto Zone because he's too creepy for the register "Need my help out there, boss?” "No, we're good.” [ Laughter ] But most people had to wait. And while there's been some early, preliminary proof that the vaccines help stop the spread of COVID, we just still don't know for sure, especially with the rise of several more contagious variants. So if you're a decent, normal person, and someone politely asks you to wear a mask in their company, you do it Ted Cruz, however, took it as yet another opportunity to be a giant [ bleep ].
BEGIN CLIP
UNIDENTIFIED REPORTER: Would you mind putting a mask on for us?
TED CRUS: Yeah, when I'm talking to the TV camera, I'm not going to wear a mask and all of us have been immunized, so.
UNIDENTIFIED REPORTER 2: It'd make us feel better.
CRUZ: You're welcome to step away if you like.END CLIP
MEYERS: When I'm talking to the TV camera? What a weird little window into what he thinks being on TV is. "If I talk to the camera, it will tell the TVs at home what I said I tell secrets to the phone, and the phone is a gossip. And the person on the other end finds out. I'm going to start using that myself “hello, I'm Seth Meyers welcome to "Late night camera conversation." Guess what happened to me today, lens man, Ted Cruz is the Steph Curry of being a giant dick. He never misses a shot he's the kind of guy who would come over to your house for a dinner party, and when you politely ask him to take his feet off the table would say, "You're welcome to leave if you like." Again, remember, in that situation, Ted Cruz was the one who was vaccinated he's the one who was unlikely to get sick but apparently he couldn't care less if anyone else in the room got sick I mean, god, no wonder his neighbors ratted him out when he went to Cancun do you know how unlikeable you have to be for your neighbors to go to the press?
