Editor’s Note: Normal people might find some of this offensive.
“All hope abandon, ye who enter here.” That was Dante’s warning about entering hell. I’ll be your ferryman to that infernal place known as the Left. This week seems especially disturbing.
Liberals put the freak into getting freaky. The more bizarrely sexual something is, the more liberals embrace it. This week I was reminded of how perverted and perverse left-wing websites can be. To give you a hint, the article on idiots who use electroshock therapy during sex didn’t even make the cut.
Adding a new entry (bad pun, see below) to this week’s research list with Cosmo. This isn’t exactly NSFW, but I’m microwaving my brain after writing this.
1. Journalists Would Call This A News Peg: Are liberals trying to alter the American definition of sexuality and normalize gay activity? Of course they are. Even more bizarre, they are teaching it in a so-called “woman’s magazine.” Women wondering why their boyfriend might prefer to hang out with with his Xbox playing Doom, might want to cancel their Cosmo subscriptions. If your man sees “9 Porn Star-Approved Pegging Tips,” odds are he’s backing out the door and heading for a safe space. In case you live in saner parts of our world and didn’t know what “pegging” is, here is the actual quote: “The term ‘pegging’ became the go-to descriptor for a woman performing anal sex on a man by penetrating him a strap-on dildo when it beat out both ‘bob’ and ‘punt’ in a 2001 naming contest on Dan Savage's ‘Savage Love’ sex advice column.” Remember, Savage is a producer on ABC’s most awful sitcom in America, The Real O’Neals. Hint to Cosmo readers: If you’re interested in pegging, what the hell is wrong with you?
2. Liberal Tramps Against Trump: Just what this election needed: porn. If politics is swimming in the gutter, Salon jumps in the sewer. Perhaps we should change Salon from a news site to a nudes site. It loves the group that will send you dirty pictures if you send them proof you voted. Actual quote: “if you vote for anyone but Donald Trump, they will send you a nude photo.” Since you can’t photograph your vote in many places, they’ll take you at your word -- in case you can’t find nudes on the internet. Salon thinks this is all a “lighthearted poke in the eye to the right’s warped moral compass.” Yes, it’s our moral compass that’s wrong. The group’s spokestramp goes by the name Jessica Rabbit and is, of course, a sex worker. Actual quote: “For sex workers, this is a really important election.” Now that’s a liberal voting bloc.
3. Getting Excited By Politics: Wonkette made its name with a DC sex scandal and has been obsessed ever since. But even by the standard of sick liberal commentary, this is bizarre. Lefties are actually pleasuring themselves to an Elizabeth Warren political rant. Wow, I wish I was joking. What set their hearts and other parts a flutter was “Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton were finally campaigning together (and in matching outfits! BY ACCIDENT!” Writer Rebecca Schoenkopf (Writer? WRITER?) must have missed her mental health screening this year. She notes how Clinton is “really pretty, which nobody ever mentions,” (I wonder why...) “because of how they can’t see how pretty she is past the scary teeth in her vagina.” That’s only the second strangest comment in this story. Schoenkopf is so excited by this event, she urges her readers to pleasure themselves. Actual quote [“Fap” is a masturbation term. Trust me.]: “‘hmmmm, could that be something Wonkers would like to watch and fap to, together???’ And then we watched it, and the answer was yes! So grab your tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and put your penis in it, because it is time for all good Americans to come together, masturbatorily.” The author is publisher of Wonkette and goes by @commiegirl1 on Twitter. Welcome to the new media.
4. Cosmo Isn’t Just Sex: Who knew? Readers can count on Cosmo to mess up their physical lives and their spiritual lives, too. Why have religion when you have a “professional tarot card reader?” Trust her folks, she’s a professional. After all, she’s advised such easily duped Hollywood types as “Nikki Reed, Sophia Bush, Ellen Pompeo, Usher, and Kat Graham.” According to tarot pro Angie Banicki, it was about 2012 “when it became really popular for people in L.A. to go to tarot card readers and psychics.” If you think this is just some whackjob Hollywood fad, you’re right, but they are famous so it must be OK. But it involves big names. She’s worked with “The Hollywood Reporter, Flaunt, Billboard, and InStyle magazines” and “I've done baby showers and weddings for writers and producers in Hollywood.” She even “worked the Jimmy Choo event after the 2015 Academy Awards.” Actual quote: “If I don't do readings for a few days, I crave it. I get depressed, and I need to bring out the cards and connect to myself.” Sounds perfectly healthy. And who said that communications degree was a waste?
‘White Survival Porn’: Yes, that’s an actual quote. Salon goes to the movies is a classic fish-out-of-water tale -- just like The Shallows, which it attempts to review. I am no fan of movies that exist only to chop up people, or in this case, throw them to the sharks. I just don’t consider them to be examples of Manifest Destiny or WoManifest Destiny. Salon does and nestles it in a diatribe against “privilege.” Actual quote: “How many brown people have to die so that Blake Lively can live?” Who cares who dies to save her? She’s the star. That means her agent can beat up their agent or hire someone to do it. Actual quote: “Collet-Serra’s thriller foregrounds the suffering and the fragility of whiteness, while the brutal killings of local Latinos (many of whom attempt to save Nancy) go unmourned and are little remarked upon.” For the sequel (there’s always a sequel), maybe Salon staffers will volunteer to feed the sharks. White staffers only!