Lowbrow humorist Larry Wilmore made a truly tasteless joke at Ted Cruz’s expense on his Thursday show. Citing a Mother Jones article that reported in 2004 Ted Cruz “fought to preserve a law that banned the sale of dildos in Texas” the host of Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show went on to shamelessly ridicule the GOP presidential candidate: “It’s just such a shame to see dildos persecuted and marginalized by one of their own....I guess back in 2004, Cruz was just another self-hating dildo.”
Wilmore went even further as he disgustingly contrasted that position with the Texas Senator’s pro-gun rights stance: “This is a guy who defends this phallic symbol [picture of a gun] but thinks the problem is this phallic symbol [picture of a dildo]....Which means he thinks we should live in society where it should be easier to off women than to get women off.”
The following is a full transcript of the relevant segment as it was aired on the April 14 edition of Comedy Central’s The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore:
HOST LARRY WILMORE: But you know first things first, I need to get serious for a second. If you’ll indulge me. We make a lot of jokes on this show, but there’s an issue that I feel deserves some real attention, and it’s not easy to talk about, but brace yourselves: Ted Cruz hates dildos. Yes, I said it. I know, I know. I agree with you. I agree with you.
As Mother Jones dug up earlier this week, in 2004, Ted Cruz fought to preserve a law that banned the sale of dildos in Texas. I know ma’am. I’m not making this up. I agree with you. I wish I was. But guys! I’m torn! This really gets me! No! No! No! No listen to me! Listen to me!
It’s just such a shame to see dildos persecuted and marginalized by one of their own. Right? Yes! This is what I’m saying! You understand me! I’d expect more from one of our most prominent human dildos, and I just think dildo-Americans should be standing up for other dildos. Is all I’m saying here. But you know I guess back in 2004, Cruz was just another self-hating dildo. That’s all I can say.
But I’m sorry, you’re right. You know this comparison is totally unfair. Dildos have actually pleasured women. So. Bam! Bam! I can’t get over this! I just really can’t get over this! Here’s the thing. So a brief that Cruz wrote said “using sex toys was like hiring a willing prostitute.” Now I know what you’re thinking, “Willing prostitute? Well That’s a strange choice of words.” Well, it’s actually a legal distinction. Hold on guys. Under the law, there are “willing prostitutes,” which means they engage in sex work of their own volition, and “unwilling prostitutes,” which probably means they just got hired by Ted Cruz. That’s the distinction. That’s how you separate that.
I am not making this up, guys. Okay? Now Cruz also wrote, “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.” This is a guy who defends this phallic symbol [picture of a gun] but thinks the problem is this phallic symbol [picture of a dildo]. All right? Which means, which means he thinks we should live in society where it should be easier to off women than to get women off. Yeah, I went there. I went there. That’s where I went.Okay now, now this is the thing. Ted Cruz, he goes on to lose this case, and so now it’s legal to sell dildos in Texas, which, by the way, makes me happy as Texas’ largest dildo supplier. It’s my side gig, it’s my side gig. You guys? You know? I’m on basic cable. Brother’s got to have a side gig, right?
My favorite thing about this story. I can’t believe this story! This story makes me so happy! You have to understand. Okay but this is a tweet from screenwriter and Ted Cruz’s college roommate, Craig Mazin. And he says “Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to stimulate their genitals. I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.” Very nice. That’s good. That’s some good writin’ there. That’s some good writin’. On the one hand, that is awesome. On the other hand, now I’m thinking about Ted Cruz masturbating. Yeah I know. I need to go throw myself in front of a bus.
