Last night’s episode of New Girl, entitled “Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt,” depicted the characters of FOX’s veteran comedy flirting with cuckolding. Lead Nick Miller (Jake Johnson), was visited by his cousin Bobby (Bill Burr) and Bobby’s wife Carol (Lennon Parham). Assuming they want money from him, Nick scrambles to hide his valuables. But when they finally get to the point of their visit, Nick is relieved to learn that his cousins “only” want his sperm.
Of course, when it’s actually time to make the donation, Nick begins having second thoughts. He’s ultimately relieved to learn that his cousins don’t have the money to go through with the procedure. That is, until Bobby and Carol decide that since they can’t afford artificial insemination, and Bobby asks Nick to have sex with his wife - "Yeah, we don't just need your reindeer, we need Santa. Come down the chimney. Feet first. White Christmas. Bring a sackful of gifts." Yuck! Well, that ruined Christmas.
The episode ends with all Bobby, Carol, and Schmidt yelling at Nick to get his pants off and get it over with as he has a panic attack and flees their apartment.
The whole thing is crude, over-the-top shock value. But what else do you expect from Hollywood these days, anyway?
Transcript:
Schmidt: Regular Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, these two.
Nick: This is how it starts. There's three stages to a Miller asking for money: Okay, it's compliments, it's ply with food, and then it's go in for the kill.
Schmidt: Be strong.
Nick: I'm trying to be strong.
Carol: Seems like there's a space theme. You guys like space?
Schmidt: Outer space? Yes.
Carol: Yeah.
Nick: Ah, you didn't have to do this.
Bobby: I got it at the airport.
Carol: Yeah. Hey.
Schmidt: There it is.
Bobby: It's popcorn.
Nick: Oh! Yeah.
Bobby: Comes all fancy-like in its own trash can.
Nick: That's too much. That's too nice.
Bobby: No, come on.
Nick: I love this kind of popcorn.
Bobby: You're totally hooked up, brother.
Nick: 'Cause you can mix and match.
Bobby: That's right.
Schmidt: Easy. Nick's not hungry.
Nick: Oh, that's right.
Bobby: Is he your life coach?
Nick: Thank you for the offer, but...
Bobby: Nick, eat the popcorn.
Schmidt: He just ate.
Nick: I just ate.
Carol: Just one piece.
Bobby: Nick, it's popcorn.
Carol: Do it. Do it.
Nick: I don't want it.
Bobby: It's good for you. It's corn!
Nick: You're trying to give me popcorn so that I give you money! It's not gonna happen! I'm not giving you money! I'm setting boundaries!
Carol: Oh, Nicky, we don't want your money.
Nick: You don't?
Carol: No!
Bobby: No, no. We want your sperm.
Schmidt: What?
Carol: Yeah, we're trying to start a family, and Bob's army's down. I need your troops to storm my beaches.
Nick: So no money?
Carol: No.
Nick: Just sperm?
Carol: Yep.
Bobby: Don't tell anybody, all right?
Nick: Guys, this is excellent. I got a lot of that. If I had a dollar for every sperm, my room would be covered in dollar bills.
Schmidt: Nick, a word, please. A word.
Carol: Right? Right?
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Schmidt: A word.
Nick: Yeah. Thanks for the popcorn, too. One minute.
Bobby: What's that guy, like, his manager?
