Not surprisingly, left-wing comedian Samantha Bee was very excited that the public impeachment hearings have begun. She began Wednesday’s edition of Full Frontal by declaring “I can’t wait to finally eat a piece of the impeachment cake I baked over three years ago!” The TBS host praised the “persuasive” witnesses and hyped the “bomb” that one of them supposedly dropped.
After mocking Congressman Devin Nunes as the “captain of the Congressional flop sweat team,” Bee slammed House Republicans for launching “a very staged campaign to interrupt the proceedings and expose the whistleblower.” According to Bee, “The Republican attempts to change the subject didn’t get very far thanks to two persuasive witnesses.” Bee proceeded to praise the first witness, George Kent, as “the State Department’s Deputy Assistant Secretary in charge of looking like middle-aged Sheldon,” referring to the character from The Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon.
Bee attempted to paint the hearings as a positive development for Democrats and a disaster for Republicans; beginning by proclaiming that “Kent thoroughly debunked Trump’s conspiracy theories about Ukraine” with regards to potential illegal behavior on behalf of the Bidens. In an effort to advance her narrative, Bee talked about how the other witness, acting US Ambassador to Ukraine Bill Taylor, “dropped a huge bomb” by talking about a conversation between the President and US Ambassador to the European Union that one of his staffers allegedly overheard.
While Bee described the “bomb” dropped by Taylor as “big news” that amounted to nothing more than hearsay, she appeared to contradict herself by predicting that as the hearings go on, “every bombshell will just be confirming things we already know.” Perhaps unintentionally, Bee undercut the rationale for holding the impeachment hearings by suggesting that they will yield no new information. Bee’s slip of the tongue effectively backed up Nunes’s description of the impeachment hearings as a “televised theatrical performance,” an argument she mocked earlier in the show.
As her opening monologue came to a close, Bee proclaimed “today was not a good start for Republicans. They didn’t manage to throw the kind of distracting, conspiracy-filled spectacle they’re so good at.” A gleeful Bee predicted that “Trump is going to be so mad at what a terrible job they did defending him!”
A transcript of the relevant portion of Wednesday’s edition of Full Frontal is below. Click “expand” to read more.
Full Frontal With Samantha Bee
11/13/19
10:30 PM
SAMANTHA BEE: Welcome to Full Frontal. I am Samantha Bee. I hope you all hydrated and got haircuts that won’t look dumb in future documentaries because the public impeachment hearings have begun!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BEE: I can’t wait to finally eat a piece of the impeachment cake I baked over three years ago.
(LAUGHTER)
BEE: One person who isn’t excited: Donald Trump. He stayed aloof from the proceedings. In fact, he totally didn’t watch the hearings at all.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: I did not watch them. I’m…I’m too busy to watch it. It’s a witch hunt. It’s a hoax. I’m too busy to watch it. So, I’m sure I’ll get a report.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: Also, those hearings he didn’t watch, he doesn’t like the cast.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT TRUMP: See, they’re using lawyers that are television lawyers. They took some guys off television.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: “Oh, you were having hearings? I didn’t even see them. I just watched them and heard them and anyways, whatever, you’re too ugly to be on TV.”
(LAUGHTER)
BEE: Republican Ranking Member and captain of the Congressional flop sweat team Devin Nunes did his best to discredit the proceedings in his opening statement.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. DEVIN NUNES: What we will witness today is a televised theatrical performance. I’d like to congratulate you for passing the Democrats’ “star chamber” auditions held for the last weeks in the basement of the Capitol. It seems you agreed witting or unwittingly to participate in a drama.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: Yes, if there’s one thing Democrats are known for, it’s dazzling spectacles. Oh, look at these two thirsty divas they cast. Clearly, they’ll do anything for the spotlight. You know, actually, it was Nunes and other Republicans who launched a very staged campaign to interrupt the proceedings and expose the whistleblower.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)
REP. ADAM SCHIFF: We ask for your respect as we proceed with today’s hearing.
REP. JOHN RATCLIFFE: Mr. Chairman…
SCHIFF: It is the intention of the committee to proceed without disruptions.
RATCLIFFE: Mr. Chairman, before…
SCHIFF: What purpose?
RATCLIFFE: …may I make a parliamentary inquiry?
REP. ELISE STEFANIK: Mr. Chairman, before we hear from the witnesses, I have a parliamentary inquiry. Mr. Chairman, only one member and their staff…
SCHIFF: The gentlewoman will suspend, the gentlewoman…
STEFANIK: …on this committee has direct knowledge of the identity of the whistleblower.
SCHIFF: …gentlewoman will suspend.
REP. MIKE CONAWAY: Mr. Chairman…
SCHIFF: This is an opportunity…
CONAWAY: I’d like to make a motion, Mr. Chairman.
SCHIFF: I’m sorry, this is an opportunity for members…
REP. JIM JORDAN: Mr. Chairman, do you…do you anticipate when we would vote…
SCHIFF: For what purpose does Mr. Jordan seek recognition?
JORDAN: Just to ask a clarifying question.
(END VIDEO CLIPS)
BEE: Come on, fellas, you’ve been practicing in front of the mirror all morning long. Don’t blow your load in the first two minutes.
(LAUGHTER)
BEE: The Republican attempts to change the subject didn’t get very far thanks to two persuasive witnesses. One was George Kent, the State Department’s Deputy Assistant Secretary in charge of looking like middle-aged Sheldon. Kent oversaw all U.S. policy in Ukraine and has testified that the administration didn’t just pressure Ukraine’s President to announce an investigation, they specifically wanted him to use the words “Biden” and “Clinton” in his announcement. They also told him not to use any words above Trump’s reading level. And in his public testimony today, Kent thoroughly debunked Trump’s conspiracy theories about Ukraine.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DANIEL GOLDMAN: Mr. Kent, are you familiar, as you indicate in your opening statement, about these allegations related to Vice President Biden?
GEORGE KENT: I am.
GOLDMAN: And to your knowledge, is there any factual basis to support those allegations?
KENT: None whatsoever.
GOLDMAN: When Vice President Biden acted in Ukraine, did he act in accordance with official U.S. policy?
KENT: He did.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: Kent kept his cool even after hours of testimony; except for that one time a pretty lady walked by and his lucky bow tie spun around.
(LAUGHTER)
BEE: The other witness was Trump’s top diplomat to Ukraine, Bill Taylor, an army veteran who earned a bronze star in Vietnam and who served under administrations of both parties. Or as Republicans call him, a dirty commie traitor terrorist? Taylor learned about a lot of sketchy shit while serving under Trump and he kept incredibly detailed documentation including memos, texts and a cable he sent to Mike Pompeo relaying his concerns. He also has 28 years of grocery receipts, if anybody wants those. Ironically, for a man who’s dedicated his life to diplomacy, Taylor dropped a huge bomb. A member of Taylor’s staff actually overheard President Trump asking about the investigations.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAM TAYLOR: Following that meeting, in the presence of my staff at a restaurant, Ambassador Sondland called President Trump and told him of his meetings in Kiev. The member of my staff could hear President Trump on the phone asking Ambassador Sondland about the investigations. Ambassador Sondland told President Trump the Ukrainians were ready to move forward.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEE: This is big news because it appears to confirm that Trump knew about the attempt to pressure Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, which is the first time we’ve gotten hard confirmation of that since Trump himself.
(LAUGHTER)
BEE: This is what these hearings are going to be like all the way through. Every bombshell will just be confirming things we already know. It will be like if, instead of a secret taping operation, Nixon had a TikTok.
(LAUGHTER)
BEE: Today was not a good start for Republicans. They didn’t manage to throw the kind of distracting conspiracy-filled spectacle they’re so good at. Trump is going to be so mad at what a terrible job they did defending him! I mean, not that he watched it or anything. We’ll be right back.
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