While Donald Trump has drawn slews of voters thus far in the presidential campaign based on his controversial rhetoric, TBS’s Full Frontal host Samantha Bee has undertaken a similar strategy by seeking to be as vulgar as possible toward conservatives to attract favor and ratings by liberals. With that in mind, Monday’s episode was no different as she maligned Senator Ted Cruz (Tex.) and his father Rafael.
Bee arrived at this nearly six-minute takedown after brief shots at Marco Rubio and the late Nancy Reagan and first turned her ire toward the current GOP presidential candidate by asking the audience: “So who is Ted Cruz and why is he so hated and how come he always looks like he covered in a glistening layer of slime even though we know that possibly can’t be true?”
Shortly after Bee that statement, she had a graphic of the infamous chest-bursting alien from The Alien movie franchise as a symbolic representative of the Texas senator. The former Daily Show correspondent noted that Cruz was born in Canada but quipped that he was “the son of a former Cuban revolutionary and a soiled-back issue of National Review.”
Charting what he was like growing up, Bee mocked a photo of him with an easel containing a part of the Constitution as one of “the things the popular kids do.” As for a Boston Globe story that included quotes from former classmates denouncing Cruz, Bee pivoted to a video of Cruz from his performance as “that squealy French mime” in a school production of The Crucible.
Bee found it pertinent to also blast author and historian David Barton for his support of Cruz and holding Christian views that she described as “believ[ing] that Jesus ran for Messiah on a fuck the poor platform.”
Following a slew of highly-edited soundbites of Barton, Bee turned her attention to Cruz’s father Rafael:
BEE: Well, Barton believes in a dominionist theology that for Christian control of the government. So does Ted's father, Rafael Cruz, shown here with David Barton apparently looking for Ted's lost contact lens.
RAFAEL CRUZ: God’s says unto Adam and Eve [SCREEN WIPE] take dominion over all my creation. [SCREEN WIPE] Over every area of society education, government, economics. [SCREEN WIPE] Separation of church and state is not in the constitution. [SCREEN WIPE] Did you know that the Bible tells you exactly who to vote for?
BEE: That's a dude praying to a snake right now looking at Rafael Cruz right now going that shit is cray. Does Ted believe in dominionism? I hope not. It certainly contradicts that book he memorized in high school while no one was having sex with him.
The vulgar, anti-Christian TBS host ended the segment with three soundbites featuring one from the elder Cruz and Glenn Beck that led to Bee posting an image with Cruz photoshopped on the head of Adam in the painting that resides on the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling:
Incredible, God tells ministers Ted's destined for greatness and then God tells his wife he's destined for greatness? Guys, the message is clear — even God cannot stand to have a direct conversation with Ted Cruz. We really are made in his image.
The relevant portions of the transcript from TBS’s Full Frontal with Samantha Bee on March 14 can be found below.
TBS’s Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
March 14, 2016
10:33 p.m. EasternSAMANTHA BEE: The GOP establishment is in a pickle because the only guy within striking distance of casino Mussolini is someone they hate just as much.
(....)
BOB DOLE: There are a lot of good candidates. I like nearly all of them. Except Cruz.
BEE: Bob Dole singled Ted out for hatred and Bob Dole has fought actually Nazis. So who is Ted Cruz and why is he so hated and how come he always looks like he covered in a glistening layer of slime even though we know that possibly can’t be true? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Rafael Edward Cruz was born in Canada in 1970, the son of a former Cuban revolutionary and a soiled-back issue of National Review. In his autobiography Cruz writes about realizing he wasn't well liked in high school and deciding: “What is it that the popular kids do? I will consciously emulate them.” Which is why the next day at school, Cruz beat the shit out of himself. As part of Ted’s operation become normal team, he started “drinking,” “smoking pot” and “touring Rotary clubs and chambers of commerce” where he had set up easels and write summaries of the Constitution from memory. [LAUGHTER] All the things the popular kids do. And you know, if you're going to be popular, you have to charm the ladies.
(....)
BEE: Ted's classmates at Princeton and Harvard Law fondly remember him as “arrogant,” “pretentious,” and “a nightmare of a human being” and those were just the reviews for his performance in The Crucible.
CRUZ (in school play): Oh God! God, help me! [SCREEN WIPE] Why am I persecuted? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BEE: Yes, that squealy French mime actually was Ted Cruz and yes, you can watch the rest of that glorious video on our website but not right now because I’m not quite done with Ted Cruz. When Ted was solicitor general of Texas, half the attorneys in the office quit. When he worked on the floor to recount, other Republicans avoided meeting that included him. Oh, if only Ted has had attended more meetings. In fact, the only people who can tolerate Ted are the ones who can't tolerate anyone else.
PASTOR KEVIN SWANSON: Romans chapter 1, verse 32, the apostle Paul does say that homosexuals are worthy of death. His words, not mine! [SCREEN WIPE] Now, my friends, let me introduce to you, Senator Ted Cruz.
BEE: Holy shit! You know, if I were gay, I know what I'd be saying.
CRUZ (in school play video): Why am I persecuted? [APPLAUSE]
BEE: But Ted's biggest superfan is the cuckoo bird who runs his super pac. David Barton, a “historian” at Glenn Beck University who believes that Jesus ran for Messiah on a fuck the poor platform.
DAVID BARTON: The Bible absolutely condemns the estate taxes. [SCREEN WIPE] Retirement is not a biblical concept. That is a pagan concept. [SCREEN WIPE] Jesus did not like the minimum wage. [SCREEN WIPE] Jesus has two entire teachings condemning the capital gains tax.
BEE: Yeah, and Jesus always drove to the Mesopotamia store because they don't have a sales tax. [LAUGHTER] Why does this guy like Cruz so much? Well, Barton believes in a dominionist theology that for Christian control of the government. So does Ted's father, Rafael Cruz, shown here with David Barton apparently looking for Ted's lost contact lens.
RAFAEL CRUZ: God’s says unto Adam and Eve [SCREEN WIPE] take dominion over all my creation. [SCREEN WIPE] Over every area of society education, government, economics. [SCREEN WIPE] Separation of church and state is not in the constitution. [SCREEN WIPE] Did you know that the Bible tells you exactly who to vote for?
BEE: That's a dude praying to a snake right now looking at Rafael Cruz right now going that shit is cray. Does Ted believe in dominionism? I hope not. It certainly contradicts that book he memorized in high school while no one was having sex with him. Dominionists believe in him.
UNIDENTIFIED CHRISTIAN PASTOR [with Rafael Cruz]: And then it came to me. Ted will be our next senator. [SCREEN WIPE] The Senate is just the beginning.
GLENN BECK: We prayed for this. [SCREEN WIPE] He really is the guy.
RAFAEL CRUZ: We were on our knees for two hours seeking God's will. [SCREEN WIPE] And word came through his wife Heidi.
BEE: Incredible, God tells ministers Ted's destined for greatness and then God tells his wife he's destined for greatness? Guys, the message is clear — even God cannot stand to have a direct conversation with Ted Cruz. We really are made in his image.
