Lefty Grist Now Claims Humans 'Literally Breaking Polar Bear Penises'

January 29th, 2015 5:06 PM

Warning: Graphic Language

Mankind really has it in for polar bears, at least according to the left. Liberal media have spent years claiming mankind was killing the cute little man-eating monsters by destroying their homes with global warming.

Now, the liberal eco-blog Grist has announced the latest painful assault on the cuddly environmental icons. The Jan. 27 headline said it all in surprisingly personal detail: "We are literally breaking polar bear penises now."

Polar bears everywhere are wincing as they read this.

"In case you weren’t convinced that humans are just the worst, new research shows we’re not content to merely melt polar bear habitat by rollin' coal — we are literally giving the beleaguered species a kick in the dick," Grist Managing Editor Ted Alvarez declared in his snarky post.

The "chemical pollutants" responsible, according to Grist, were PCBs -- a class of chemical that the U.S. banned in 1979. But somehow is now destroying the dating life of male polar bears.

Alvarez cites a Jan. 26, New Scientist article that reported "polar bears with high levels of pollutants called organohalogens in their bodies had both smaller testes and a smaller penis bone."

Stating the findings somewhat less scientifically, Alvarez told his readers, "Congratulations, we’re all collective cockblockers now."


Grist’s post was only the latest of many media stories complaining about extreme examples of environmental harm caused by mankind. These included a "record" walrus beaching, more blizzards, increased wildfires, and overcrowding and disease in the underdeveloped world.