Stephen Colbert's Showtime program, Our Cartoon President, began with a 60 Minutes interview of President Trump conducted by Anderson Cooper in the episode titled “Wealth Gap.” Airing on March 18, 2018, this falls in place with the much-hyped real interview with the stripper/porn star to be aired by the CBS show in one week.
The cartoon interview focused on the financial pay-off alleged to have been made by Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen, to Stormy Daniels and photos of which Ms. Daniels is alleged to be in possession. And, of course, there was a swipe by Anderson Cooper, who is gay, at Vice President Mike Pence’s potential reaction to any photos or videos.
Announcer: You're watching 60 Minutes. Here's Anderson Cooper.
Anderson: Her birth name is Stephanie Clifford, but elementary-school history books will forever refer to her as Stormy Daniels. In 2006, she allegedly had sex with a recently married Donald Trump, his chin dripping with a Lipitor/bull hormone/cookie-dough milkshake. Then she accepted $130,000 to stay silent about what Americans already instinctively knew in their amygdala hindbrain. Here now is President Trump's side of the story.
Trump: Stormy Daniels is lying. Unless she says I'm a wildcat in bed, in which case it's all true.
Anderson: If this didn't happen, why did she receive $130,000 from Michael Cohen, your lawyer, who always looks like he just realized he ate some bad clams?
Trump: The money was a consolation for missing out on the most intense orgasmic sexual awakening of her life. I approach love-making like I approach the breakfast buffet -- me first and always a guy nearby making omelets.
Anderson: Do you plan to pay back your lawyer?
Trump: Nope.
Anderson: Stormy Daniels claims you did not sign the non-disclosure agreement.
Trump: I was too busy planning Space Force. Isn't it great that cops, teachers, and astronauts are now militarized? Hey, IRS agents! Get ready for calculators that shoot 20 rounds a second!
Anderson: Does Stormy Daniels have compromising pictures and videos of you? And how much are you looking forward to seeing Mike Pence's face after they're released?
Trump: I've seen the photos, and it's clearly not my penis. No part of me appears on camera without several ladles of Maybelline Super Stay foundation.
Anderson: Sir, this allegedly occurred one year after you married Melania. She's the foreign one with the brown hair...?
Trump: Right, but me and my pregnant wife hadn't really defined the relationship. Even at the wedding, we were like, "Where is this going?"
Anderson: We've obtained audio of an alleged encounter between you and Miss Daniels.
Announcer: Go to 60minutesovertime.com to watch Donald Trump explain why Rex Tillerson, the former CEO of Exxon, was too much of a goody two shoes for him.
In the meantime, Trump is excluded from Forbes Magazine’s wealthiest people list, only given an honorable mention, because he wouldn’t turn over his tax returns to prove his net worth. Naturally, Trump freaks out and his cabinet tries to console him. During a meeting with the cabinet, Trump learns they have started a GoFundMe page for him to increase his wealth. He refuses the charity and says for them to give it to Vice President Pence instead because he is so poor, “he believes in God.”
Trump schemes to throw an elaborate second wedding ceremony for Melania to prove how wealthy he is and raises money from average Americans by selling items from the White House – everything from the now famous red MAGA hats to faulty step ladders. This leads Senator Ted Cruz to file a class action lawsuit against Trump, which gets him airtime on television with his commercial and time with Trump at the White House. “I always wanted to be a rich dude,” Cruz tells Trump when Trump asks why he is doing it.
Pence is feeling insecure about his lack of wealth and wants to provide a more generous life for his wife, Karen, so he accepts money for his political action committee from tree-hugging conservationists. Reference to Republicans as anti-environmentalists? Check. “May God and the Koch brothers have mercy on my soul.” Reference to wealthy Republican contributors the Koch brothers? Check.
Karen Pence leaves her husband when he breaks her favorite angel animal figurine (no, really) and complains that she is spending money too freely – like buying too many spices for cooking – and is soon stopped as she shoplifts a candle at Bath and Body Works. Yeah, seems legit. Pence comes to her rescue at the store and she apologizes and goes back to him.
Trump comes to his senses and cancels his wedding plans until “the border is secured.” Melania is fine with that and tells him they will have to have a serious discussion if his fortune dips below $100B. Reference to Melania being a gold digger? Check that box, too.
So, as you can see, this episode is the same as all the others. Lame caricatures of conservatives and of the Pences for proclaiming their faith in God. It makes me wonder how many more shows in this series will air at this rate.
