Sunday night’s edition of The Carmichael Show, titled ‘Perfect Storm,’ wasted no time paddling the shallow waters of post-sex sitcom pillow talk. Instead, after realizing they had a “sexual accident,” the Carmichael clan jumped right in to deciding how they could kill their baby:
Maxine: Well, this is bad. This is really, really bad.
Jerrod: No, it's not great.
Maxine: You're sure the condom broke?
Jerrod: Oh, yeah, I'm sure the condom broke. But could we maybe take a second to, I don't know, celebrate this?
Maxine: Celebrate?
Jerrod: Yeah, look, Maxine. I've never broken a condom before. It's my first time, and it's kind of a big deal for me. And I feel, like, really strong right now. This must be how Bruce Banner felt when he became the Incredible Hulk.
Maxine: Oh, calm down. I'm sure the condom was just expired.
Jerrod: So should I not buy condoms from The Dollar Store anymore? Maxine, look. I just want you to know that whatever you decide, I'm on board, okay? It's your body, it's your choice. I'm just here to support you. There are no wrong answers. And everything's going to be fine.
Maxine: Yeah, I know we're going to be fine, because we're going to go to CVS and we're going to get a Plan B pill.
Jerrod: You don't know how happy that makes me. God, emergency contraception is always the answer. You're the best girlfriend ever, Maxine.
Maxine: Thank you. Okay, let's go.
Jerrod: All right. Oh, man. You know, I don't care if they ever cure cancer, 'cause science has done enough. They cured pregnancy, and that's a hard thing to do. It's so amazing-- all we got to do is just take a pill.
Maxine: We? We're not cutting the pill in half and going splitzies.
Jerrod: Fair enough. It's the women's job to take the pill. But it's the man's job to watch anxiously and then check underneath your tongue. I don't know, Maxine. You sure we should go out? It's a pretty bad storm.
Maxine: Like, you have to take it within the first 72 hours, and the sooner you take it the more effective it is. Plus, I am way more scared of the storm that may be brewing in my uterus right now.
Jerrod: Fair enough. I got to ask-- how do you know so much about Plan B?
Maxine: Because I'm an adult, Jerrod.
Jerrod: I'm an adult, too. I broke a condom today.
Nice, right? Pat yourselves on the back to celebrate your Herculean sexual prowess that resulted in condom breakage. Then immediately brave a storm to run to CVS, in order to erase the life that may or may not have been created. So as to erase any chance of having a consequence to your action.
Simple.
Not so fast. It turns out the storm in the uterus would have to wait. Because the storm in the sky was getting increasingly rowdy, resulting in Jerrod and Maxine having to pull over at his parents’ house, which led to one of the best lines ever. A lot happens in this scene. So, it’s a little long. But worth it:
Maxine: Jerrod and I had a sexual accident.
Joe: Did you pull something, son? 'Cause I told you, you got to practice like you play.
Jerrod: Look, look. There is a slight possibility that Maxine could be pregnant.
Bobby: I knew it! Jerrod, I hate when you make me fish for information. You know something, it makes me not trust you. It makes me think you don't want us to be as close as we should be, as brothers. And that's on you.
Cynthia: Maxine, you're telling me I might be a grandmother. Oh, wow! I got to sit down for this. Grandma Cynthia. Ooh, I know it's going to be hell getting suitable hair products for the little mixed kid. But I don't mind, because I'm going to be taking care of a precious baby.
Joe: "Might" be pregnant. Now, how far along are we talking?
Jerrod: I don't know. An hour?
Joe: An hour? What kind of scare is that? People scared too easy these days.
Maxine: Look, times have changed. There's nothing scary about this. We just have to act fast.
Cynthia: Oh, yes, if you're expecting, we have to act really fast. In fact, I got my old wedding gown down here-- you can use it, Maxine.
Bobby: Hey, Jerrod, I'm going to be your best man, right?
Jerrod: We're not getting married, Bobby.
Bobby: Look, that's fine if I'm not your best man, but don't lie to me. Don't lie. Okay. Go, Jerrod. Oh.
Cynthia: Now, this has been over by the water heater for what, 30 years. Which accounts for its off-white color. But I guess, uh, given the circumstances, it's appropriate.
Maxine: Look, the thought of having to get married because of a pregnancy, that's archaic. In fact, I kind of see the whole concept of marriage as archaic. It was created in a time when women were viewed as property. Now, I don't need to be given away by my father to the possession of another man just so I can take his last name.
Cynthia: You mean like me? Or my mother? Or her mother before her?
Joe: Yeah, Maxine. If marriage isn't so great, what have all these gay people been fighting for all these years? Are you saying that they just like to complain for the hell of it, Maxine? Are you saying, Maxine, that gay people just like to make a scene? Because if that's what you are saying, I find it incredibly insensitive.
Cynthia: Maxine, if you're pregnant you need to get married. Now, Jerrod is my son and I love him dearly, but once he hears that baby crying at 3:00am, he's a flight risk.
Jerrod: All right. Everybody calm down. Relax. None of what you're saying matters anyway, because Maxine and I are not having a kid.
Cynthia: They're having an abortion. Do something, Joe!
Joe: Jerrod, don't have an abortion, you're upsetting your momma.
Nekeisha: Hey!
Bobby: Nekeisha. Nekeisha, where did you come from?
Nekeisha: Maxine texted me. Here. I brought your Plan B.
Maxine: Well, thank you. I guess you missed the part where I said, "Let's keep this between us."
Nekeisha: Oh, I thought that meant, "Don't post it on Facebook."
Jerrod: Nekeisha, you, uh, you just keep Plan B pills laying around your house?
Nekeisha: Oh, yeah, I'm a modern woman. I'm like Mary Tyler Moore with braids.
Maxine: You see, Cynthia, nobody is having an abortion. I just take this pill and I will avoid pregnancy. It's just contraception, no different than using a condom.
Cynthia: Well, it sounds like you're pulling a condom over your baby's face.
Jerrod: Ma, Ma, stop acting like we are killing a baby. We're not. We're killing the idea of a baby.
Maxine: Man, this thing's childproof. Kind of ironic when you think about it.
Cynthia: They're having a Plan B. Joe, do something!
Joe: So, this B plan, it stops anything before it gets started? And you just buy it over the counter? Well, get out if here. How much does this scientific achievement cost?
Cynthia: Joe, who's side are you on here?
Nekeisha: It's like 40 bucks.
Joe: "40 bucks"?! Man, something that amazing should cost like $7,000.
Cynthia: I just don't understand how y'all can act so casual about a decision this big.
Maxine: Cynthia, we're not acting casual. We're actually doing the responsible thing.
Cynthia: I know you think this morning after pill is gonna solve all of your problems, but what about the morning after that when you start feeling regret? You got a pill for that, Jerrod?
Jerrod: Yeah, Xanax, Zoloft, Paxil, uh, uh, what is that...?
Nekeisha: Abilify. I got that on deck-- you want one?
Bobby: Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Jerrod, before you do this, I got something I need to tell you, okay? The Carmichael men got a low sperm count. Matter of fact, we might not have a sperm count at all.
Jerrod: What are you talking about, Bobby?
Bobby: Me and Nekeisha tried to get pregnant for years, right? You know, I thought I could have a baby that would accomplish all the things I didn't. You know, I thought, like, if Big Bobby can't do it, then Little Bobby would. But we'll never know.
Maxine: Wow, I'm sorry, Bobby. We never even considered that.
Joe: Look, the Carmichael men can make babies. Now, I've been referred to by several doctors as being potent. Now, that's not a word they just throw around.
Bobby: But look, Dad. Maybe it skipped a generation, you know? I just don't want Jerrod to be as crushed as I was when I found out I couldn't have a baby.
Nekeisha: Oh, Bobby, no worries about that. I was on birth control the whole time.
Bobby: Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?! You was on birth control the whole time we was trying to get pregnant?
Nekeisha: Yeah, to protect you. I mean, when you look at the big picture, we were not in a situation to be having a baby. I mean, you didn't have a job, I didn't have a job. That's good enough reason right there.
Jerrod: Well, look, this is not a family vote. This is a two-person decision. Or in your case, one person. Now, Bobby, I appreciate you looking out for us.
Maxine: Can you open this thing?
Jerrod: Yeah.
Cynthia: Jerrod? How long am I gonna have to stand around and watch you two make bad decisions? I've watched you two move in together. Fine. She don't want to get married. Fine. But we are talking about a baby here. And I'm not fine.
Jerrod: Okay, uh, Mom? Mom, what are you doing? No! No, no—
Cynthia: I guess you're gonna have to come up with a plan C.
Okay, that riff about “gays just making a scene” was great. But the line about needing to come up with a Plan C was pretty awesome too. The lie, of course, is that Plan B is not killing a baby.
Despite what pro-Plan B/pro-abortion activists will claim, Plan B alters the endometrium, preventing the fertilized egg from attaching to the woman’s womb. Thus, basically starving the egg from getting the vital nutrients it needs to survive.
So, the show wants us to believe that if a pro-abort activist was being actively starved and deprived of air, they would not call it murder?
But its totes okay to do it to a kid, apparently. Unfortunately, the flushing of the Plan B and the long overstay at Jerrod’s parents’ house didn’t result in Maxine reconsidering her decision to abort. In fact, Jerrod’s mom even apologized and Jerrod eventually ended up making Maxine a beautiful breakfast complete with mimosas as she took the pill.
Really a romantic scene. You know…if it hadn’t been for the killing of a defenseless life and all.
