Fox's 'Minority Report' Sees a Future With 'Red Clouds' and No 'Redskins'

September 23rd, 2015 4:19 PM

According to Fox’s new series Minority Report, the distant future holds good news and bad news for Redskins fans. The good news is, the Redskins win Super Bowl 85. The bad news is, they are no longer called the Redskins.

Late in last night’s season premier, an episode titled, “Pilot,” (because, obvious) mayoral candidate Peter Van Eyk gives a speech on the “Hawkeye” system, which he’s pushing as the successor to the “Precrime” program. He is introduced as a former member of a mysteriously-named football team:

“And now, former most valuable player for the Washington Red Clouds in Super Bowl 85. And future the next Mayor of Washington, D.C. Peter Van Eyk!”

So there you have it. Any hope that our future people would be consumed with more important things than banning a team name that is not offensive to anything even approaching a majority of Native Americans, and is almost exclusively offensive to only white members of the sports media, has been dashed.

Instead, they opt to re-name the franchise after a chief who led one of the bloodiest campaigns against the U.S. Army, in American history.

Because that is less offensive than a name which offends almost no one, apparently.