Girlfriends' Guides Author Discovers Oprah's Sudden Lesbian Syndrome
"Girlfriends' Guides" author Vicki Iovine apparently agrees with Oprah Winfrey: women ARE leaving their husbands to be with other women.
So wrote Iovine in a Huffington Post article Friday.
In a piece cutely titled "Switching Sides Later in Life," the former Playmate of the Month and mother of four explained why so "many of [her] formerly married-with-children Girlfriends have bolted from their traditional family geometry and found true love with other women":
It's happening in the Parent's Associations of my kids' schools, in my knitting group, in my yoga class and it's a big topic in women's 12-Step groups throughout Los Angeles (and lesbianism was not the addiction they were trying to overcome.) Once I became aware of this quiet Pink Revolution, I couldn't not see it everywhere I looked. But it was comedian Carol Leifer's new book, When You Lie About Your Age The Terrorists Win, that convinced me this stunning phenomenon wasn't exclusive to the experimental, artsy, truth-seeking addicts that make LA such a piquant town--newly minted mid-life lesbianism is a national trend.
Much like Oprah before her, Iovine provided no statistical evidence supporting her contention "mid-life lesbianism is a national trend," but offered the following explanation:
A well-known neurologist, Dr. Louann Brizendine wrote in her book, The Female Brain, that when we approach menopause, women cease to gush the hormones that make us want to nurture and caretake everything that breathes, particularly husbands. It's a feeling I admit to experiencing more and more myself, something I like to call the, "Everybody Get Off My Back" Syndrome. For more women than I ever knew, this is the profound moment when they decide that a relationship with a person as equipped as they are to discuss complex emotional issues, feed the cat and check the fridge to see what can be turned into a meal all at the same time is like entering the Age of Enlightenment. Not to mention how much better than men's women's sex toys are.And the sex is great!
Makes one wonder if Iovine is taking a cheap shot at her soon to be ex-husband. Although he's a successful record producer and the founder of Interscope Records, is Iovine suggesting he's poorly equipped to discuss complex emotional issues, and incapable of feeding the cat OR himself?
Could be, for here's the bio at her own website not yet updated to reflect her divorce:
Vicki Iovine is the happy and chronically overwhelmed mother of four children. (Five if you count her husband, and what wife doesn’t?)
Why is it acceptable for women, even in jest, to regularly accuse heterosexual men of being emotionless boobs who would starve to death without them?
As for lesbian sex being better than heterosexual sex, I'll have to take Vicki's word for it.
Finally, although Iovine has apparently not made the switch herself yet, she comically informed readers how she could be swayed:
Here's what I'm dying to know about mid-life lesbianism--if we choose to become one, can we give up a lifetime of worrying about our weight? Is a female lover more tolerant of the imperfections like cellulite and back fat? If that is true, then the line forms behind me, Ladies!
Paints an attractive picture of the future America, doesn't it?
Of course, since Iovine's work regularly contains humor, it is indeed possible she's pulling our...legs, or is she preparing her readers for her "Next Twenty-Seven" to be spent with a Girlfriend?
Makes you wonder: if and when it happens will it be announced at the Huffington Post or by Perez Hilton?