To the delight of his Los Angeles audience which heartily applauded his every barb at President Bush, such as denigrating Bush as “a retarded child emperor,” left-wing comedian Bill Maher closed his HBO show Friday night with his recommended talking points for Democrats to use to fight back against Republicans and win on Tuesday. [Be warned, this item quotes a vulgar term for feces] He started his list, on Real Time with Bill Maher aired live at 11pm EST, with how “when they say 'Democrats will raise taxes,' you say 'we have to because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden.'” Second, “when they say the 'terrorists want the Democrats to win,' you say 'are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream.' He inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.”
Third, “when they say 'cut and run' or 'defeatocrat,' you say 'Bush lost the war, period.'” Fourth, “when they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are 'denigrating the troops,' you say 'you're completely full of shit.'” And finally, “vote Republican and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor -- a retarded child emperor, but an emperor.” (Transcript follows)
Video clip (3:45): Real (6.5 MB) or Windows Media (7.5 MB), plus MP3 audio (1.3 MB)
Maher delivered his talking points as part of his “New Rules” segment which followed a panel with actor Alec Baldwin, A.B. Stoddard of The Hill newspaper and Republican Congressman Jack Kingston of Georgia.
Addressing Democrats, Maher lectured on the November 3 edition of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, produced live at CBS Television City in Los Angeles, as I transcribed it since a transcript has not yet been posted on the “New Rules” page:
“Finally, new rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up Democrats. It's as easy as ABC: Always Be Closing. First prize, subpoena power in the new Congress. Second prize, a set of steak knives. Third prize, you're fired.
“The election is four days away, and I'm through dicking around with you. Here are the leads, here are your talking points:
“One, when they say 'Democrats will raise taxes,' you say 'we have to because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden.' [applause] In just six years the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in. That's not even elementary economics, that's just called don't be Michael Jackson. [some laughter]
“Two, when they say the 'terrorists want the Democrats to win,' you say 'are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream.' He inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies. [laughter and applause]
“Three, when they say 'cut and run' or 'defeatocrat,' you say 'Bush lost the war, period.' [applause] All this nonsense about the violence is getting worse over there because they're trying to influence the election, no, it's getting worse because you drew up the post-war plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebees. [applause] And of course Democrats want to win, but that's impossible now that you've ethnically-cleansed the place by making it unlivable -- just like you did with New Orleans. [applause]
“Four, when they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are 'denigrating the troops,' you say 'you're completely full of shit.' Remember when Al Gore caught all that flack for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, 'you're full of shit.' If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare. [applause] That's how I would feel supported. So, when they say 'Democrats are obstructionists,' you say 'you're welcome.' Sometimes good people have to intercede to prevent dire consequences. You wouldn't like to think of me as an obstructionist, but what if Roseanne [Barr, earlier guest] had offered to sing? [laughter] So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the obstructionists and the enablers. There's your talking point. Vote Republican and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor -- a retarded child emperor [laughter], but an emperor.
“So Democrats, you've got four days to get out there and close. And it's not about slogans this time, although when it comes to slogans, the only one I'm prepared to accept from the opposition is, 'The Republican Party: We're sorry.'” [applause]
