Edited out of the two-page opus of little ersatz Notable Quotables for April Fools Day were two entries satirizing Chris Matthews and his tendency to burp movie citations about every five minutes of "Hardball." Geoff Dickens, who is the official watcher of "Hardball," weaved real MSNBC sentences with imagined ones:
Matthews: "Howard, this President is trying to distract the public from the images they see every day in Iraq by faulting the media, the good guys! But, I mean, this reminds me of that old Groucho Marx gag: Who are you going to believe, me or your eyes? But, seriously, what does the President need to do to stop his slide in the polls before the elections?
Howard Fineman, Newsweek: "Chris, as the midterms approach, what Bush can't do is run as Tom Cruise any more, not run as Top Gun. That's not going to work any more, I think. He's trying to run as Jack Bauer on domestic security."
Matthews: "Yeah, but Howard, at this point, if he does save Republican seats, won't he be more like the bumbling Inspector Clouseau who somehow falls backwards into solving the case?"
Fineman: "Certainly, but what the Democrats need to do is to step up and be the Rebel Alliance to the White House's Evil Empire, but they're still missing their Luke Skywalker. Then again, perhaps Hillary Clinton can be their Princess Leia." -- Exchange on Hardball, April 1.
Our newest analyst, Scott Whitlock, also came on strong with the Hollywood angle:
Matthews: "Question. I recently saw a great new horror movie called The Hills Have Eyes. Now, I'm not really a big horror fan. The last good scary movie was The Exorcist. You know what they say: nobody could play football like Jerry Ford and no one could scream like Linda Blair. Anyway, this film, Hills Have Eyes, is about an all-American family that gets lost in the middle of the desert. They eventually end up fighting a group of bloodthirsty cannibals. I couldn't help thinking of the political parallels. You know, the cannibals are flesh eaters, but this is their land. And this is a wholesome all-American family, they shouldn't be there. Don't you think that's a great metaphor for Iraq?"
Howard Fineman, Newsweek: "Well, Chris, I haven't seen the film, so I -- "
Matthews: "There's this great scene where the stranded family fights back. They fight dirty against the cannibals. And it's like they've become torturers at Abu Ghraib. It make me think of this scene in Cheaper By The Dozen 2..." -- Hardball, April 1.
UPDATE: Here's one satire of angry columnist Bob Herbert by Tom Johnson that amuses me:
"A modest proposal to raise SAT scores: Incorporate more topical, relevant material into the questions. For example: 'George W. Bush's response to Hurricane Katrina is best described as a) botched b) bungled c) inept d) racist e) all of the above.' Then guarantee college admission to any high-schooler who marks the correct answer -- which is, of course, e)." -- Bob Herbert, April 1 New York Times.