At TIME 100 Gala, Colbert Jokes Cardinal Has Viagra as 'Celibacy Plus'

April 30th, 2012 3:21 PM

At their Time 100 gala, Time magazine brought shameless Stephen Colbert up for some laughs. Instead, Colbert made some vulgar remarks about Cardinal Timothy Dolan, who also made the Time 100 list. Citing unnamed critics, Colbert  joked that if the Catholic Church's insurance does not cover Sandra Fluke's birth control, "it shouldn't cover Cardinal Dolan's Viagra."

What? Colbert then doubled down on the offense: "That's called celibacy plus.  That's how the pros do it.  Because chastity is one thing, but it shows true commitment to uphold your vows when you are sporting a crook you could hang a miter on." Then he claimed "I'm a Catholic, it's okay. I go to confession, it will be fine." Here's the fuller routine:

Also, Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke is here tonight.  Also an instant, instant feminist icon.  Famously tested, testified before Congress, that Georgetown, a Catholic institution,should be required to provide insurance coverage for her birth control.

Now, TIME 100 honoree, his eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan disagrees -- sir, lovely to see you again.

Of course, now some, some critics have said in response to this that if the Catholic church's insurance does not cover Sandra Fluke's birth control, it shouldn't cover Cardinal Dolan's Viagra.

Oh, no, no, no.  Oh, no, no, no, that's called celibacy plus.  That's how the pros do it.  Because chastity is one thing, but it shows true commitment to uphold your vows when you are sporting a crook you could hang a miter on.  Oh, wow, see you at mass on Sunday, sir?

I hope he doesn't become Pope.

I'm a Catholic, it's okay.  I go to confession, it will be fine.  Thank you.

Colbert is certainly living up to his stated character he plays on television, the "idiot" that desperately needs to be corrected by his guests. Later he took another whack at Cardinal Dolan: 

But perhaps the most influential person on the list is here, Sara Blakely.  The inventor of the Spanx [girdle]. Give it up. No one, no one has done more to control women's bodies, except maybe Cardinal Dolan. Cardinal, congratulations, sir, you are a feminist icon.

This is certainly in the typical spirit of the Comedy Central crowd, ripping on Catholic leaders like a bunch of raving atheists. Colbert also drew some love from bloggers like the Daily Kos folks for ripping on David Koch, the Tea Party funder:

Of course, all of us should be honored to be listed on the TIME 100 alongside the two men who will be slugging it out in the fall:  President Obama, and the man who would defeat him, David Koch. Give it up everybody.  David Koch.

Little known fact -- David, nice to see you again, sir. Little known fact, David's brother Charles Koch is actually even more influential.  Charles pledged $40 million to defeat President Obama, David only $20 million.  That's kind of cheap, Dave.

Sure, he's all for buying the elections, but when the bill for democracy comes up, Dave's always in the men's room.  I'm sorry, I must have left Wisconsin in my other coat.

I was particularly excited to meet David Koch earlier tonight because I have a Super PAC, Colbert Super PAC, and I am -- thank you, thank you -- and I am happy to announce Mr. Koch has pledged $5 million to my Super PAC.  And the great thing is, thanks to federal election law, there's no way for you to ever know whether that's a joke.

By the way, if David Koch likes his waiter tonight, he will be your next congressman.