Can Bill Maher do an entire episode of “Real Time” without attacking President Bush?

For those that can actually bear watching his program on HBO, the answer would be a resounding, “NO!” Yet, in the March 16 installment, Maher came very close.

Having seemingly suffered through more than 55 whole minutes without saying something disgraceful and offensive about the most powerful man on the planet, Maher, who must have been having an allergic reaction to the uncharacteristic civility on display, made up for it in spades during his final “New Rule” rant.

Entitled “Orewell That Ends Well,” Maher repeatedly made the asinine assertion that since 9/11, President Bush has actually stripped Americans of their civil rights (video available here):

New Rule: Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn’t asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he’s asked us to sacrifice something enormous: our civil rights.

Hmmm. Did Bush really do that? For those familiar with message board lingo, I’d love to ask Maher to “link or slink.”

That said, Maher followed this inanity with a “joke” about the president with a punch line even my pet cockatiel saw coming from a mile away:

Now, when I heard George Bush was reading my e-mails, I probably had the same reaction you did: George Bush can read?

That squawk you just heard was from my cockatiel writhing in pain. You know, even the audience seemed nonplussed by the sophomoric obviousness of that one, Bill. If that’s the best your staff can do in a week, maybe you need to hire better writers.

Regardless, Maher answered his own pathetic question by shamelessly exaggerating the truth:

Yes he can, and this administration has read your phone records, credit card statements, mail, Internet logs. I can’t tell if they’re fighting a war on terror or producing the next season of “Cheaters.” I mail myself a copy of the Constitution every morning just on the hope they’ll open it and see what it says.

Amazing distortion of reality, wouldn’t you agree? Makes one wonder what the color of the sky is in Maher’s world.

Alas, he wasn’t done yet:

So, when it comes to sacrifice, don’t kid yourself. You have given up a lot. You’ve given up faith in your government’s honesty, the good will of people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights.

Six-tenths? Really? George W. Bush has eliminated six of the original ten amendments to the Constitution? Wow, he’s good!

Maher then enumerated the rights the President has supposedly stripped from us by executive fiat:

Here’s what you’ve sacrificed: search and seizure; warrants; self incrimination; trial by jury; cruel and unusual punishment. Here’s what you have left: hand guns, religion, and they can’t make you quarter a British soldier.

Well, even if true – which, of course, it’s not! – this certainly wouldn’t amount to an elimination of six original amendments, would it, Bill? Or did you flunk math along with history when you were a student?

Moreover, I didn’t realize that the police or government agents can now search my house without a warrant, and that I’m no longer entitled to a trial if accused of a crime. I must have slept through that, Bill. Or, are you dreaming all this up?

Regardless of the answer, Maher’s vitriol was beginning to crescendo:

Look, George Bush has never been too bright about understanding “furreigners.” But he does know Americans. He asked this generation to sacrifice the things he knew we would not miss: our privacy, and our morality.

Morality? Bill, on a weekly basis, you tell your viewers that morals are an illusion of the weak-minded who believe in God and religion. When did morals become important to you?

Yet, the best lie was still to come: “But he [President Bush] made a cynical bet that we wouldn’t much care if we became a Big Brother country that has now tortured a lot of random people.”

Tortured random people? You mean like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and other terrorists that were captured in Iraq or Afghanistan? Those “random” people, Bill? Those sworn enemies of our country that have vowed to kill us? Those people?

What a joke, and I don’t mean humorously.

What follows is a full transcript of this segment for those that can take it.

BILL MAHER, HOST OF HBO's "REAL TIME": New Rule -- Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn’t asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he’s asked us to sacrifice something enormous: our civil rights. Now, when I heard George Bush was reading my e-mails, I probably had the same reaction you did: George Bush can read? Yes he can, and this administration has read your phone records, credit card statements, mail, Internet logs. I can’t tell if they’re fighting a war on terror or producing the next season of “Cheaters.” I mail myself a copy of the Constitution every morning just on the hope they’ll open it and see what it says.

So, when it comes to sacrifice, don’t kid yourself. You have given up a lot. You’ve given up faith in your government’s honesty, the good will of people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights. Here’s what you’ve sacrificed: search and seizure; warrants; self incrimination; trial by jury; cruel and unusual punishment. Here’s what you have left: hand guns, religion, and they can’t make you quarter a British soldier. If Prince Harry invades the Inland Empire, he has to bring a tent.

You know, in previous wars, Americans on the home front made a very different kind of sacrifice. During World War II, we endured rationing, paid higher taxes, bought war bonds, and in the interest of national unity, people even pretended Bob Hope was funny. Right, like you laughed at him. Okay, women donated their silk undergarments so they can be sewn into parachutes. Can you imagine nowadays a Britney Spears or a Lindsay Lohan going without underwear? Alright, bad example, but.

Look, George Bush has never been too bright about understanding “furreigners.” But he does know Americans. He asked this generation to sacrifice the things he knew we would not miss: our privacy, and our morality. He let us keep the money. But he made a cynical bet that we wouldn’t much care if we became a Big Brother country that has now tortured a lot of random people. And yet, no one asks the tough questions like, “Is torture necessary?” “Who will watch the watchers?” And, “When does Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?” I mean, it’s been five years. Is he wearing one of those astronaut diapers?

In conclusion, after 9/11, President Bush told us, “Osama bin Laden could run, but he couldn’t hide.” But, then he ran and hid. So Bush went to plan B: pissing on the Constitution and torturing random people. Conservatives always say the great thing Reagan did was make us feel good about America again. Well, do you feel good about America now? I’ll give you my answer, and to get it out of me, you don’t even have to hold my head under water, and have a snarling guard dog rip my nuts off. No. I don’t feel very good about that. They say evil happens when good men do nothing. Well, the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing.

—Noel Sheppard is the Associate Editor of NewsBusters.